First Mushroom Trip and subsequent awakening

[Periergos]

I decided to post all my past trips.

This one was my first psychedelic trip, on 29/03/18
At 6pm, I took 35g fresh home-grown golden teacher mushrooms, half raw, half with tea. I took this high amount after truffles 2 months earlier didn't have any effect and I was determined to go deep (solid meditation for the last 1,5 years and self-inquiry and study of non-duality for the last 0,5 year). In hindsight, I wouldn't necessarily have chosen a lower dose, but definitely a trip sitter. Unfortunately, I didn't know anyone even interested in psychedelics for spiritual growth, so I was alone at home.

The following was written at the beginning of the trip and the next day:

"20 minutes in I start feeling vibration on the body, my head feels heavy, slight discomfort in the stomach. Euphoria. The neck feels weird and I act odd, no visuals yet. Then some mild patterns on the ground and ceiling appear. I feel like my thoughts and behavior keeps repeating.

After this everything felt like a dream, I lied in bed for a while and felt trapped. Tried to focus internally, to meditate and inquire, but couldn't continue for long. I was impatient and didn't remember myself well enough that everything's alright and only temporary. I didn't go into a negative spiral, but was agitated and just walked around, lied in bed, then stood up again and suddenly I felt a strong sense of relief, but not sobriety. Turned out I pissed on the floor. This kept going on for hours and I just wanted to feel "clear" again. My mother (no experience with psychedelics) was then around too, she looked at me a few times and said "Hello..hey"; I didn't reply much. Around 1 am I suddenly fell/lied on the carpet and felt a quite deep sense of acceptance "this is it now, that's how the world is now". Shortly after I - kind of peacefully - went to bed and slept. "

So, looking back the main thing was a lack of experience, patience and awareness of the impermanence of it.

However, on 10/5/18 (~1 month later), this happened:

I listened to Leo's Audio "Life is a dream" in the morning on the bus. At the end he says "Hello, you in there, wake up!" and this instantly triggered a strong dejavu to the trip when my mom said almost the same. My whole body started tickling and I was kinda shocked. IT'S A FUCKING DREAM, IT'S ALL JUST A DREAM! It felt like a huuge bag of stones fell of my back and I felt a clarity like never before. I slowly got out of the bus, smiling boundlessly like I've never smiled before. I gently interacted with other people and it felt completely automatic. This sudden realization was very solid and obvious for around 4 hours before it started weakening. Life is a dream.
A day later there was still a much greater sense of authenticity. But also still trapped.

 

This experience was my strongest awakening until now (march 2020), I could lucidly feel it for many months after and it was a key fuel of my further inquiries.

Edited March 26, 2020 by Periergos