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Codrina

My 5 am journal

48 posts in this topic

5:05 Today. 

Day off

In my working hours I looked over this month. I am going into the forth week. I had planned to launch everything, but I feel there are still some loose ends to tie up. 

I achieved most of my goals. My website is almost done. It's just the shop section and contact page left to create.

I have written my first story. I have painted the vision for it. 

I have written my first YouTube video script. I am still to film and edit it.

I have planned the first 12 sets of jewelry. Cut and polished the wood and started painting on them. The next 4 days I will have them finished.

I have learned more about social media and how to strategize for an efficient presentation of my work (Instagram, YouTube, Facebook)

Overall, I am happy with the amount of work I was able to achieve, while setting up my 5am routine. 

Today I have outlaid the all necessary steps to pursue in June. I have calculated the amount of days I need to realise all the work I want (one illustrated blog story every week, two videos a month, 12 sets of jewelry a month). Now, that I have seen how long everything takes to get done, I was able to estimate better.

I have rewritten the goals for this last week of May and set up goals for the first week of June. A lot of them around legal organisation, pricing, photography session for product presentation, finishing the website, setting up the social media accounts and, after all this is done, plan out strategy(define goals,subjects in detail) for each social media for the next 4 weeks. I have planned this day to be the 6th of June. 

If all goes according to plan, the 7th will be the launching day. I like the sound of that. 7 is a good number. All though, 8 is even better. We'll see what the Universe had in store for me

And now, I will have fun designing the boxes for the jewelry.

Enjoy your Saturday

 

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You seem to be in the flow :) Exciting times ahead!

 

 

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@Artiekee Definitely exciting.

Sunday 5:27 Today 5:49

Something happened. Don't know what. Saturday I went to bed around 10pm, later than usual. I wanted to watch a movie in the evening - kinda my gift for all the hard work and determination.

Because Saturday is my day off, that's the day my mom calls me to catch up. I stayed quite some time on video chat with mom and dad, had a really good conversation. Then my brother wrote to me and had a good chat with him as well. A 'friend' also wrote to me. So I ended up having to cut both at 10pm to go to sleep. 

I woke up on Sunday, did the all the morning work (I am excited about the jewelry - they're gonna be the best so far) and after lunch, meditation, walk, I decided to watch the movie I didn't get to watch on Saturday. Little Women - cried with it. And the 'friend' I was talking about earlier wrote to me again during the movie.

This guy is someone I met on Tinder during my crazy two months (I was actually on Tinder for a couple of weeks before I got bored with the games). We had some stuff in common, we liked each other, so he came over one weekend. We loved each other on that occasion, but I had decided that I don't want to have casual sex anymore, so we kinda stayed friends, texting every now and then.

He turned out to be really immature, with deep insecurity issues. He was always looking for my advice. I kept showing him where he needs to work, I sent him videos of Leo, and others, to help him figure out his issues. 

And it seemed that how ever much information I shared with him he was still confused. He loves to keep a victim mentality. I had to keep calling out his victim statements. He said one day he would like to come run with me to the lake. On Sunday he said something like : 'Next Saturday I am definitely coming to the lake with you, no excuses on my side.'

I was not happy with that statement. So, I asked: ' Why the urgency? ' He wants to talk. I felt so tired of dealing with others issues that I told him it's my one day off. I want to relax, to enjoy, not solve someone else's problems. And he asked if talking about what I think he should change about himself would be too much for me. That moment I lost my patience. I wrote some mean, harsh truths right back to him. 

At least, he won't bother me with the same question, over and over again. I do wish I was able to handle it better. I am not happy hurting people's feelings. 

And now, today. I did the morning work and it was shopping day for the evening, but it was raining heavily and after lunch I took a shower and by the time I wanted to get out of the house, the exchange office was closed. So, I switched it for cleaning day. I cleaned the whole house, dancing and singing ?

I was having so much fun that I decided to go to the park and dance some more. I danced on the running track. It was so much fun. Me dancing through the serious running people.

I developed this habit of going dancing with my dog in the evening when I was working in Portugal. I was a bartender then, worked 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. I used to finish work around 12 at night, go home, get my dog, a cider and a joint and walk, dance on the beach. Good times. It is there I created a strong connection to the moon.

I kinda kept my dancing with my dog at night habit in England as well. I was still working late and the streets were basically empty when I was 'walking' my dog.

Here though, with my routine, there is always someone in the park when I have my walk. Today I was brave. I didn't look at people, didn't care what they think. I am happy I could dance my heart out. I won't do it every evening, because I do run mornings as well, and I wish to keep my head clear (music lights up a fire within me) but once a week - end the cleaning day with a dance in the park. I like the idea.

Today turned out like this because I think I needed to shake off some anger. I don't understand why broken men keep showing in my life. Where's the sign that says ' All you broken, come to me ' so I can take it off. 

It's like my narcissistic friend with whom I decided to spend my two months of ego backlash ( I realized that's what happened). He came over today to bring some clothes for the washing machine. He keeps asking every now and then : ' Sex? Bliss? ' laughing because he knows I smile and go ' No! ' But, for some reason, we have really strong chemistry and connection. And some days are hard. Especially on days like today when he hugs me for a few seconds before going out the door.

And then, a friend of his, another broken man, approaches me on Facebook. He wants a female friend, someone to talk to, spend time with, so he can keep away from his ex, who is a broken woman. 

So, I ask again. If anyone is reading this, where is that sign that says ' All broken men, come to me! '

I am finally getting my shit together and it's like everyone wants a piece of me. ' Oh, I am struggling with this. Won't you help me? ' 

I am so tired with people who can't handle their own shit. 

I sit by myself, in my own pain, stare it right in the face. I hide myself from everyone and when I am up again, I go to people. With a light heart and a smile on my face. Seems the right way to do it

Oh well, long post. But hey, work is amazing and the routine is working smoothly. If I manage to go to bed earlier I might wake up at 5:00 as well. But it's still light outside...

 

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I just had a thought. I was meditating, observing my thoughts, focusing on breath. And a thought about my family emerged.

Mom is full of light - joyful, kind, always considering other people's needs. Dad is full of darkness - arrogant, selfish, quick to anger. Mom has a dark side and dad has a light one. It's just in smaller amounts. But they love each other since they were teenagers. So, is it the natural tendency of the Universe to bring things into balance at work? Is that why men who live in darkness come to me? Is it my light that attracts them? I wish to manifest a partner in my life. Is that my choice? Someone who lives in darkness?

I think I cried to little women because I saw myself like Joe, to some extent.

Married to my Muse, destined to be alone. 

Uh, talking about mental masturbation.

Good night

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Tuesday 5:07 Wednesday 5:39 Thursday 6:00 Today 5:33

I finished painting all 12 sets. It takes a lot, around 2h30 min for each. That means two sets in a working day, only the painting. I was hoping I would get faster after the first few. I didn't.  But I got a whole lot better.

The technique, the colours....Oh, great Universe. I am in awe. I went today and bought all the materials for the boxes.

I printed my logo and everything. I laid it all in front of me and just couldn't believe it. It is here. It is done (all most). 

There was a moment Wednesday when I wanted to stop. My mind kept saying we are not keeping the schedule, the painting takes too long, we were supposed to finish tomorrow and varnish and do other things (I still had three sets left to paint at the time)

I didn't listen. Kept painting. Then my mind approached logic - You won't be able to do 12 sets every month, and a story every week. There isn't enough time for them, so you might as well decide on 10 a month (1 every 3 days) , or 8 (2 a week) and stop now. 

But I didn't listen and kept painting. I thought, I don't care how many I will be able to do in a future month. I planned 12 and I am going to see them all done - now.

And I did.  So very exciting. I used to let my mind trick me into things like that. Not anymore.

Now I am in bed. I will meditate, then go to sleep. I skipped meditation today in favour of going to the print shop and buying materials. 

Day off tomorrow. I am almost tempted to stay home and work on the boxes, but no. I wish to reward my good behaviour. So I will enjoy a run to the lake and a bath. 

It's been raining a lot lately and I saw mushrooms in the park. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to find some in the woods. 

I have been thinking about trying Amanita. It grows around here and I have a friend who knows a lot about them.

Love and light! ( I have been using this goodbye at end of my morning pages for quite some time. I don't know how it was born, but I like it)

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So in about a week there will be launching day? nervous? excited?

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@Artiekee Well, I guess no. It took more time than I thought to do the boxes and work the silver for the jewelry.

My fear of rejection (at least I think that's what it is) is strongly kicking in. 

Tuesday (7am) was an all cry day. No work, no workout, just a meditation outside in the sun and the rest of the day I spent with walnuts, honey and cocoa powder and a lot of crying. I did have a proper lunch.

I don't know what triggered it - the full moon with my menstrual cycle or the fact that on  Monday (5:30am) I investigated on how to set a legal organisation to pay taxes on my future sales and found out that I can't be a part of the Artist's Union because I don't have a University Degree. I decided in the end to worry about that once I actually sell something.

Wednesday 6:12 am. I worked on jewelry.

Thursday 6:12 am. I worked on jewelry and boxes. 

Friday 6:42 am. I worked on boxes, also got a haircut and looked for a microphone. Didn't find one. 

Saturday 6:23 am. Worked on boxes and filmed the YouTube video. I am not happy with it. I will film it again tomorrow. I need to practice more my English accent. It's been a while. Also work on better engagement while reading the script. 

Sunday 6:12 am. Worked on boxes. Almost finished. 

I feel this week was dragged around. A lot of non creative work. Manual labour. It gave me time to reflect. To see how I panic because I am approaching a date I planned for and there is still work to be done. 

I could see how my mind is becoming doubtful of the work I have done, questioning the whole paradigm. I kept going, even if I was forced to slow down. I guess the slowing down has it's purpose. 

I avoided writing here because I felt like I was disappointing people. And I was hoping to get more work done and hopefully present my work today or tomorrow. 

I hope next week will bring more uplifting energies. 

With my old mindset I would've given up all rest, pull an all nighter, work harder and stick to the time frame I had decided. But that push for a timeline made me ignore details and it usually ended up with me sabotaging a lot of hard work with last minute improvisations. 

Now, I wish to give it my best.The only pressure ,this time, is the one I put on myself.

So, I am deciding no more pressure. No more dates. Just actions. After the launch, once I go through all the new things I've never done before, I can take on some pressure. 

I've been feeling lonely as well this week. I have no friends - I could get back in touch with old friends, but I feel there's no time for that now. Also, I don't know how my old friends are now. I got back in touch with one and that just showed me a side of things I didn't see before. I was different back then and it's not a place I want to return to. People don't want to change, for the most part, so I imagine my old friends have ,basically, the same mindset.

I hope time will guide me towards my soul family. I would really enjoy that.

My evening routine changed as well. I now take my dog for a walk around 14:00-14:30.

I then have lunch, work for another two hours, evening walk - if it's nice weather I sit and read in the park.

Today was lovely. I laid on the grass, barefoot to get some grounding as well and read for 40 minutes. Played with my dog for a bit and now home.

Meditation and sleep. 

I am really grateful to be able to enjoy evenings like this. To live 5 minutes away from the park. It is such a beautiful place. People enjoying themselves, playing with children and dogs, working out, teenagers in the skatepark.

Just really good vibrations.

It's half past nine and it's not dark yet. I think this has something to do with my sleep- wake routine. 

I'm not giving up, though.

5am - I just love the sound of it. 

6am doesn't sound as good and 7am is late.

 

 

 

 

 

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