Fetish Vs Real Sex(need Advice)

[falobma]

Hi guys, this is my second post and i believe your point of views/ advice will really help me

i'm 20YO Male and i'm a virgin, so idont know what real sex felt like (i'm a virgin cause of religion and social conditioning here) {i really want to have sex tho >.< }.

 

so, i have sexual fetish, it's cuckolding and femdom(basicly the idea of male being dominated) BUT these fetish are really different from me in  real life ! because in real life i tend to dominate other people(like no one is using me for anything). what does this mean ? i want to change this because i think it's not OKAY and i dont like it. 

 

A little bit about my background : 
i'm from Indonesia a country where religion is pretty strong especially about relationship between man and woman. i've 2 sisters and they pretty much take care of me beside my mom, and my father doesnt really talk that much so sometimes my sisters told me what to do.

I learn relationship between man and woman since 2 and half years ago from youtube pickup( and this is where i learn how to be more dominant) and in that time i discover about self improvement..

So what do you guys think ? why is this happens to me ? and causes it will make ? How to stop ?
Need you Advice guys

[Nathalie]

@falobma .. in my opinion,

It just seems that you have a lot of chains, so to speak, which hinder you to live fully.. Religion, familly, ideas and conceptions from good and bad dictate you what you have to do and what not. Apparently you want to behave like some of them and avoid the rest.. But it's well known that everything you want to avoid makes it even stronger..

Perhaps it's the moment to truly encounter yourself, through meditation and self inquiry and accept what is..

 

[falobma]

yea, maybe i'm in a lot of chains right now (transition moment). 

well, i think everyone have their own perspective on good or bad things, right.

@MartineF What do you mean by Accept what is. accept my sexual fetish ?

[charlie2dogs]

5 hours ago, falobma said:

yea, maybe i'm in a lot of chains right now (transition moment). 

well, i think everyone have their own perspective on good or bad things, right.

@MartineF What do you mean by Accept what is. accept my sexual fetish ?

 

5 hours ago, falobma said:

yea, maybe i'm in a lot of chains right now (transition moment). 

well, i think everyone have their own perspective on good or bad things, right.

@MartineF What do you mean by Accept what is. accept my sexual fetish ?

its funny you come here looking for help with your sex.

[Emerald]

On 6/21/2016 at 3:07 AM, falobma said:

Hi guys, this is my second post and i believe your point of views/ advice will really help me

i'm 20YO Male and i'm a virgin, so idont know what real sex felt like (i'm a virgin cause of religion and social conditioning here) {i really want to have sex tho >.< }.

 

so, i have sexual fetish, it's cuckolding and femdom(basicly the idea of male being dominated) BUT these fetish are really different from me in  real life ! because in real life i tend to dominate other people(like no one is using me for anything). what does this mean ? i want to change this because i think it's not OKAY and i dont like it. 

 

A little bit about my background : 
i'm from Indonesia a country where religion is pretty strong especially about relationship between man and woman. i've 2 sisters and they pretty much take care of me beside my mom, and my father doesnt really talk that much so sometimes my sisters told me what to do.

I learn relationship between man and woman since 2 and half years ago from youtube pickup( and this is where i learn how to be more dominant) and in that time i discover about self improvement..

So what do you guys think ? why is this happens to me ? and causes it will make ? How to stop ?
Need you Advice guys

So, it seems to me that you believe that your emotions and attractions are 'wrong.' It's important to first accept that your emotions are valid. They are there for a valid reason. So, you can't try to get rid of an attraction through willpower and resisting the attraction. But by accepting your fetish fully, you can then start to become aware of what it gives to you. You can be objective.

Maybe you feel the need to be punished by women in order to repent (religiously) so that you can feel okay with the interaction happening. So, instead of punishment from God... punishment from your partner. Or maybe, if you feel like you're being forced into the scenario, the sin isn't quite as bad because you're the reluctant one. So, the guilt isn't as strong. Or perhaps, the cuckhold fetish is there because you feel unworthy of being the subject of your own fantasy. So, you prefer to fantasize about a more "ideal" man having sex with a woman.

So, try to accept yourself and all of your feelings fully. There is no emotion under the sun that comes up for no reason. There is a reason behind it, and it has nothing to do with your worth as a person. So, don't diminish being who you are, to fit the mold of being an alpha male. Alpha male is a 2-d characteristic, you are multifaceted. Your attractions don't define your worth.

[falobma]

@Emerald Wilkins So, basicly you're saying i just need to accept my fetish and live with it  ? 

No! I wont because this fetish is destroying me...

I agree these things happen to me have somekind of reason and i'm here looking for it so i can fix this problem.

I'm a  man and in real life i'm a dominant man.(this is why i get confused).

I know you need to self-accept before you can self-improve. here's what i think : 'fuck i like this fetish but this fetish is killing me, I need to change!'. 

@charlie2dogs why ? you're not helping by saying that dude.

[J. M. Wigglesworth]

Masochism can have a wide variety of allures and it may be difficult to pinpoint the precise mechanism which leads you toward it but I can rattle off a few. Subconsciously you think you're shit/scum/unworthy and therefore when cuckholded that part of your self-image is confirmed and therefore you experience a more integrated self. There's no expectations of society or peers on you while being degraded so you can drop your mental guard and 'submit' fully. 

These things are actually pretty good( the results at least) however the results to achieve them seem to be out of alignment with your sexual polarity (or what you believe to be your sexual polarity) and therefore this causes you dismay and also some of the social stigma puts you off of it. This may also cause issues with not being congruent to your self-image. Not understanding or properly pursuing your sexual polarity can cause intense anxiety ie. trans people with high rates of suicide. Therefore, in alignment with the goal of self-actualization, you must seek to understand yourself.

 

My advice: Get sex. Hot, nasty sex with plenty of girls. Be dominant with some and let others be dominant with you. This will ground your understanding of your sexual polarity in reality and not in whatever the internet pick-up videos tell you. You should still move away from intense femdom as it often relies on overstimulation and unproductive image programming but be aware and accepting of this general tendency you have. It's cool bro. I think some dommes are kinda hot in porn and I'm fine with that. At the end of the day, you've gotta do what feels right, the things in alignment with your highest self- don't be swayed by stimulation, rationalization or social conditioning.

[falobma]

@J. M. Wigglesworth Wow, that's deep dude.. 

about my subconscious mind, what should I do about this ? Inner work like meditation or doing things that will proff myself that i'm worhty ?

"There's no expectations of society or peers on you while being degraded so you can drop your mental guard and 'submit' fully. " I dont understand this  

And for your advice : yes, i'm trying just still not finding the right 'moment'.

well, I Actually never watch any Pickup videos again cuz i think it's too much and  it doesnt teach you to be more authentic but it tells you what excactly to do.

Yep, i'm trying to avoid Femdom shits and porn in general but when i mastrubate often times i think about femdom which makes me felt guilty -.-

 

[Falk]

@falobma Do you have this fetish only in your choice of watching porn or do you have this fetish also when you see a hot woman in real life?

So when you see a woman in real life do you think "she is hot i wish someone else would fuck her and i watch" ...or do you think "i wanna have sex with her myself" ? My suspicion is, it is the last one and the fetish is something that developed solely as a porn-related phenomenon.

But independent of what the answer is , i would recommend you to stop watching porn alltogether, and especially if you find your cuckold-fetish to be related to porn mainly. 

I know a lot of people who watch tons of porn and they all developed super weird fetishes over the time, from tentacle porn to rapefantasies ...and trust me all of those guys would never want to actually happen ANY of this in real life  so don´t worry , but take it into serious consideration what i said and actually stop the porn habit...it will benefit your sex-life (coming soon... no pun intended) and your emotional-life and ...well life in general  

peace

[falobma]

@Falk I've this fetish but i also see hot woman in real life and i thinking about fucking her... sometimes i imagine someone else fucking her(but not mosst of time) ohh yea a little bit of detail : i only imagine someone else fucking a girl when the girl has a boyfriend and the one who fucks her is her BF( i just relized this).

you know sometimes when i watch this kind of porn i imagine myself as the dominant male not the cuck.

 

[Falk]

so the solution is clear: get a girlfriend and have sex 

and since you are on this site i can´t avoid to say: start a meditation habit !

[falobma]

@Falk Well yea, 
Currently i'm reading The way of superior man and this book give me more clarity than pickup ever will
Thx btw

[Falk]

3 minutes ago, falobma said:

@Falk Well yea, 
Currently i'm reading The way of superior man and this book give me more clarity than pickup ever will
Thx btw

Yes the book is has cool insights but also be carefull not to fall all too deep into this "stereotypical" view of the super alpha/dominant man & trying to "fuck the world" (in a positive way) ... because it can become another neurotic overreaction to the normal human feeling of sometimes feeling inadequat , which is fine (it doesn´t mean your a wimp when you don´t always have all the answers and fuck all women you see  ) ... the book really tries to avoid that for the most but just saying watch out for that...

[charlie2dogs]

6 hours ago, falobma said:

@Emerald Wilkins So, basicly you're saying i just need to accept my fetish and live with it  ? 

No! I wont because this fetish is destroying me...

I agree these things happen to me have somekind of reason and i'm here looking for it so i can fix this problem.

I'm a  man and in real life i'm a dominant man.(this is why i get confused).

I know you need to self-accept before you can self-improve. here's what i think : 'fuck i like this fetish but this fetish is killing me, I need to change!'. 

@charlie2dogs why ? you're not helping by saying that dude.

you said:  I know you need to self-accept before you can self-improve. here's what i think : 'fuck i like this fetish but this fetish is killing me, I need to change!'

you need a lot of help, but you wont get it here, you already know what the problem is, you claim you need to change, yet the only thing stopping you is yourself, how do you expect anyone here to help you with that.  this has nothing to do with personal growth, its about you not taking responsibility for yourself, no one else can fix that.

you said: because in real life i tend to dominate other people(like no one is using me for anything). what does this mean ? i want to change this because i think it's not OKAY and i dont like it

you dominate other people because you are a very insecure young man, who has a sexual fetish,  if you dont like it and its not ok why are you doing it?  do you expect someone else to fix what you dont think is ok and you dont like?  start taking responsibility for your actions, its that simple, there is nothing to change except that.

yes i know you have been told to just accept yourself, that is a crock of newage hooey,  you know what the right thing is, and you have refused to do it, there is no help for that.

[ProblemSolving]

It is very valuable to look inside yourself and realize what you like about yourself and what you don't like. When there are things that you don't like about yourself, you should change them, but only if you really want to. But don't see your fetishes as something terrible. Because you are only creating an enemy. And nobody needs an enemy. The enemy is you and not the fetish. You are the only enemy that should be dealt with. I used to have weird fetishes and I dealt with them. Because I did a lot of introspection. But some fetishes remained and I feel happier with them. Another important question in this context is: When does something become a fetish? 

[falobma]

@charlie2dogs 

54 minutes ago, charlie2dogs said:

you dominate other people because you are a very insecure young man, who has a sexual fetish,if you dont like it and its not ok why are you doing it?

I dont know why am i doing it i like it but it doesnt felt right. I dont think that's why i dominate( what i mean is : dominance in real life but not  using other people) I'm being dominance is because i trust my self( i think i'm better than other people) and that's makes other people belive in me + i like powers..

Hmmm... 'taking responsibility' is this mean like "oke i like this fetish, if i'm okay with this fetish then everyting is good. but i dont like this fetish it's my responsibility to get rid/avoid it" like that ?  

@ProblemSolving Yes, i really want to change this !! because, well tobe honest i'm afraid... i'm afraid this fetish become into something worse and ruin my life

what kind of introspection did you do ?

 

[charlie2dogs]

2 hours ago, falobma said:

@charlie2dogs 

I dont know why am i doing it i like it but it doesnt felt right. I dont think that's why i dominate( what i mean is : dominance in real life but not  using other people) I'm being dominance is because i trust my self( i think i'm better than other people) and that's makes other people belive in me + i like powers..

Hmmm... 'taking responsibility' is this mean like "oke i like this fetish, if i'm okay with this fetish then everyting is good. but i dont like this fetish it's my responsibility to get rid/avoid it" like that ?  

@ProblemSolving Yes, i really want to change this !! because, well tobe honest i'm afraid... i'm afraid this fetish become into something worse and ruin my life

what kind of introspection did you do ?

 

yes it is your responsibility to do something about it, you know what the problem is, you stated you didnt like it, do you expect someone else to make you able to do what wont do for yourself.

[Emerald]

10 hours ago, falobma said:

@Emerald Wilkins So, basicly you're saying i just need to accept my fetish and live with it  ? 

No! I wont because this fetish is destroying me...

I agree these things happen to me have somekind of reason and i'm here looking for it so i can fix this problem.

I'm a  man and in real life i'm a dominant man.(this is why i get confused).

I know you need to self-accept before you can self-improve. here's what i think : 'fuck i like this fetish but this fetish is killing me, I need to change!

No. You misunderstood. It's okay to change this. But the way to change it is to first accept it fully as a valid part of your reality. Emotions carry wisdom with them, even the undesirable ones. So, in order to get fully past your fetish, you must paradoxically first accept it without judgement. 100% acceptance. Otherwise, you're just going to go around and around in your head trying to fix a problem that can only be fixed through deepened awareness.

[ProblemSolving]

@falobma I thought about why I watched femdom stuff and  why I got deeper and deeper into it. I didn't want to take control of my own life. Submitting to somebody feels so much easier than dominating your own life path. Also I had some weird concepts in my mind, thinking that women in the present time are still very sexualized by men. It is not fair how they are treated by men. And maybe my submissive behaviour towards women would create a little bit of balance in this world. 

I transformed this way of thinking by taking responsibility for myself. Now I still like some femdom-ish  stuff, on which I will not go into detail here. But the focus is my emotional expression. Why do I do it? What is going on inside me? Does this really do anything good 

[falobma]

@Emerald Wilkins Ohhh okay i see what you mean and i think i found a way  

@ProblemSolving yea your way of thinking kinda weird . and yea it's kinda hard to dominate our own life path.. but once you succeed the payoff will be so damn good
Thanks so much for your help guys Apriciate it !