Vulnerability of Exposure: Writing, YouTubing

[samantics23]

Hi Leo and his audience,

I'm honing a comedic novel on performance anxiety and sexual bravado called The Petting Zoo. I read it out loud in order to confront it and revise it. No matter how many times I confront it, there's still fear and vulnerability.  I enjoy the catharsis and growth I've had,  but also still recoil and cringe at being "seen." I take comfort in the fact that the world is generally pretty apathetic and self involved and there's no big Greek chorus ready to pounce and judge. I understand a lot of its my own self criticism, I'm projecting and preparing for, sure. And I take comfort in the fact that criticism is fleeting. But I crave ways of getting past this fear of exposure and ridicule pre-publication. Another way these battling aspects of myself express themselves is my desire to publish under a pen name/HIDE vs. my desire to NOT hide and be seen/authentic. I'm working on self actualizing and NOT masking.

I would love to hear any insights or advice you have on this fear of exposure. This duality of craving to be seen/ understood with the fear of being seen and ridiculed?  Your video on not caring what people think and self concept was helpful to this. 

I imagine you went through some level of it when you started making YouTube videos and am curious what helped you brush off the fear, self consciousness, exposure, and vulnerability hangovers. Was it an evolution? What kinds of self talk do you use to help? I know this is a forum, so this is addressed to anyone who wants to answer too!

[Gili Trawangan]

Hmm, I have no insights for you. Just wanted to say that I understand where you're coming from and that this is a theme for me as well. I've kind of identified where it comes from, it's a childhood thing, but it is still present in my everyday life. Self-consciousness arises very easily here, and the idea of being exposed to others (e.g. YouTube) is usually quite frightening.

But if we break it down, we can see that this fear only arises if we think of said exposure, or maybe in the midst of some situation where you are being seen. Ultimately it's a thought arising in that specific moment, and needn't be listened to or clung to. Say you're thinking of making a YouTube video. Fear of exposure arises. You identify it, see it for what it is, and do what you gotta do anyway. I'd say that this is the way forward. As always, first awareness, and then the practice of meeting the fear head on until it finally dissipates.

I don't know if this helps you at all, but it kind of helped me as I was writing it, made it a bit clearer on this side. To summarize: just do it!