What are relationships supposed to be like?

[DreamScape]

I live with my family. My parents are divorced, but the way they both play out in parenting/relationships seems to be 75% same. 

My dad is an alpha male type. He was super into heavy metal and the greaser-type style when he was younger. I think most of you know how the conservative-republican type act. they have this "cool guy" attitude and they're kind of macho. The way he jokes around is like teasing and poking fun at me and others. Like if I say something deep or hippie he'll say "what are you a fa*" or something like that. At least he says he's joking around, but a part of me feels as though he is being serious. 

    Between him and my stepmom, they seem to have quite a bit of communication issues. My stepmom is bossy and judgmental a bit. When they talk to each other, it's like 1) they're always teasing each other about things like the things they do, how they act, but also 2) it really feels as though there is an underlying issue here ESPECIALLY with the shame/throat area. 

At my moms, she was way more controlling and bossy. she would always control everything I did: how long I played video games, she always watched me like a hawk, etc etc. 

     Between her and my stepdad, my mom seemed to be the alpha in the relationship. my stepdad would always watch out to not make her mad (my mom flipped shit a lot), and overall it seemed like he was worshiping her like a god. They also got into arguments quite frequently and never seemed happy. 

Anyways, coming from this I don't really know what a real, authentic relationship is supposed to be like! a relationship without dysfunction, or little. I seem to project this into my relationships: I always feel like the person I'm with is always out to get me and won't be there for me. I just seem really paranoid about the other person hurting me and I'm always expecting criticism. There's probably more.

What does a healthy relationship look like? How are you supposed to communicate problems? What does your relationship look like and how have you grown from past perceptions/traumas? Also: how are you supposed to raise kids and what emotional needs do you think that I'm failing to see are underrepresented within myself. 

Edited December 24, 2019 by DreamScape
i found a better word to describe the meaning I was trying to convey

[Martin123]

@DreamScape I kind of felt like channeling some healing energy, it's already flowing. And so I will tune into your energy field, into your question, and just feel out whatever I'm about to write, you don't have to think about it too hard, just feel it out.

First of all, you're asking yourself some great questions. You don't have to get too ahead of yourself and start figuring out how to be the 'best parent', as whatever parental role you are to experience is going to be largely affected by the degree the consciousness you're embodying. It's not like a 'parenting strategy', and more of a 'the essence of who you are expressed as a loving parent'.

Real authentic relatinoships can only begin by the grace of honesty. The first step of honesty is being honest with yourself. How do I feel? What is the honest real truth about it?
What do I want? If i don't know what I want, what is it like to not know what I want? What is the best way to express the authentic raw and vulnerable truth that's inside of me?
You can do this by just asking yourself and 'feeling out the answer', I would also recommend just writing out whatever comes up - not intellectually, but as if your emotions were writing the story on a paper.

As you do this, you might eventually realize that there are some emotional wounds inside of you waiting to be opened up. The good news is that every emotional wound is a doorway into an unfulfilled emotional need that you get to fulfill through the healing of the wound.
When I tune into you specifically, and into the question you mentioned about your relationships and 'somebody being out there to get you', I feel there are wounds of betrayal that you have experienced in your past. Maybe you were relying on your parents to take care of you, and what you were met with was disappointment and denial, harshness and sarcasm. I empathize because I intimately know what it is like to carry this pain.

When it comes to the healing of betrayal, it's interesting to notice that the way we tend to cope with betrayal is through a mechanism called 'If I betray myself first, noone else will be able to betray me.'
It is a way of re-enacting the reality of your past abuse onto yourself to keep the pain locked in. This can be remedied perhaps through the repeating of a mantra several times a day.

'I will betray myself no more.'
'I am the one who has my back.'
'I am a reliable ally onto myself.'

Through establishing an inner alliance with yourself, and ultimately deepening the relationship with your emotions, you will eventually be able to let go of the feeling that someone else is there to get you. After all, who will be able to get you if you always have your back?

But it all starts with you.
'I will betray myself no more, I have my own back.'

Through this process you will be able to come into the recognition of your own personal boundaries, where an enormous reorientation will take place, and you will be able to be 'inwardly focused', and strengthen the inner glow of your soul, affecting the world around you from the inside in, like an eternal heavenly torch illuminating darkened corners, that are nothing but the lingering echoes of the 'self-betrayal' humanity commits on a daily basis.

'I will betray myself no more, I have my own back, and to all betrayed parts of me, I am sorry, I am here now, and you will be abandoned no more, I am fully here now.'