Selfactualized-relationship going seperate ways (Long read)

[aaalex]

Hello everyone. I’ve been trying to find anything similiar to this on this forum but couldn’t find much. I'm hoping someone could share som insights on this matter or maybe even have had an experience similiar like this. The original text was unnecessarily long so I tried shortened it.

During this one and a half year I met this incredible guy. From the first moment we met we created an instant connection. I’ve never experienced true understanding and unconditional love in a union. Time went on and since we live in separate cities many hours apart we became friends at first. Talked every single day and getting to know each other without any expectations. Grew with each other, both making tremendous positive changes individually.

He woke his kundalini after a couple of months of contact and this was the first glimpse of what unconditional love felt like. I knew that I liked him more as a friend (we were still friends at this point) but also realised that he was going through things at that time and didn’t want to “stay” in the way of his progress. I constantly knew in the back of my head, that he’s a person who've worked alot on his attachments and made me realise that I want to work on myself. Not for the sake of him or the relationship but for my own sake. Time continued moving forward, knowing each other for almost a year, growing more and more individually. Left the country for some months to search for inner truth, still having contact with him. I was afraid at first to be honest about how I felt, as I knew from the beginning that this was an individual I want to be a part of my life regardless if I’m in a loving relationship with him or not. I had a profound insight when I was travelling, that life is too beautiful to not speak out your inner truth and decided to confess my feelings next time I was going to see him.

Everything was flowing so naturally when we saw each other , zero confession needed as his feelings was mutual. Never was there any pressure from both of us to try to manipulate the relationship into our own favour or desires. Just happy and extremely grateful with having each other in our lives. We began exploring the depths of true love with each other. Pursuing truth at all costs. We've had conversations where we've said that we have to let go of each other eventually in the end too (not breaking up but you get my point). No bullshit.

Then, I also woke my kundalini 3-4 months ago. I had no intention doing it but it happened. It turned everything I knew upside down. I've been doing spiritual work for 4 years but that felt like nothing compared to this. Kundalini feels like a spiritual boot in the ass that won’t stop kicking you towards what you are destined to. Even if you try laying down and refuse, it will continue kicking you until you get up (if you don't literally take your own life). It’s all pure love. It’s like you really have a choice, like a door that never can be sealed. Only thing you get to choose is how hard and painful it will be.  Surrender and face all of your inner pain which can be really painful if you have experience of a shattered life like me, growing up in alot of mental, physical and sexual abuse. I am aware that my past is not my present, that I'm God having a human experience.
I'm in a process where I observe how these survival and defense mechanisms have shaped a Self, a pattern of how I have experienced and percieved reality until now (and still do in some areas). I'm working alot of healing my three lower chakras and starting to feel how my heart chakra is beginning to work its magic towards the root, sacral and solar. This is very much needed to let the energy rise. 

 

So, almost a week ago a shift happened. He described it as feeling his kundalini rising almost all the way up to his crown chakra. I've felt some kind of a wall from him energetically. I've brought it up with him since we have good communication skills. Both of us are higly sensitive people who feels energies very easily, so we can't really hide anything from each other even if we wanted to.

He describes this as his love towards everything - even me - has changed. That the love which is immersing him right now is so genuine and divine, like a motherly love. No seperation from anything. He says that he wants to be with me, to grow more with each other and to be free. It's just not a physical attraction anymore or having a need to be with me like lovers do. He says that he loves me so much but it's more like genuine love now and that he's unsure if he sees me just as a friend. I asked him if he's not in love with me anymore and if he sees my as his sister and I get the answer that he sees everything as a sister/brother/whatever you want to call it. It's nothing personal which I understand. I can feel genuine love swirling in him and around him and this was even one of the qualities that made me fall in love with him. He's the most genuine person I have ever met.

I cannot help to feel shattered. Knowing that our love we once shared is not the same anymore. I'm so happy for him pursuing his inner truth to become Divine Love - like we've talked about so many times - but none of us was prepered for this. My ego demonizes my feelings for him and try to make me feel selfish for feeling pain in this. It feels like we've broken up, even though the option to be with each other is still there if I want to. I innerly want to but I can't deny my feelings. It feels like me being in love with him prevents us from being together. The deeper the rabbit hole goes, the realer my feelings have become. I realize from this that there is some work with attachments going on but I genuinely don't feel that my feelings grew from my ego in the beginning. I don't know how to explain this better than I'm already doing. And because of my genuine love for him I am willing to understand that I maybe have to let him go for the sake of myself - and also so he can be free. How can I let him become free if I linger towards something that is just not there anymore? 

Is there anyone out there who have experienced anything like this? I'm so confused with that I am feeling, I feel devestaded while feeling this deep and unconditional love towards him. There's nothing I'd do to stand in the way of his path, even if it would result me not being with him. Even though he says he do want me there, to walk next to each other in this absurd but beautiful reality. Just not like we did before. 

I feel that I have come from a place of nediness these past 24 hours, not being able to accept this for what it is right now. Everything is still so fresh and he needs time to reflect which I understand after thousands of questions of trying to understand. My ego is playing all of our memories ever shared in front of me, making me feel like something or someone has died. Knowing I will never feel him on that intimate level again (not just sexually, you can be intimate with someone without sex). But at the same time so fucking grateful for every little moment and presentness we've ever shared.

I constantly ask myself "Why does this hurt so much despite my love for him?" 
I've only had glimpses of this divine love several times but I won't feed any self deception with saying that I do understand fully because I don't. That however don't mean I never will someday. Am I creating a problem that actually does not exist due to where I am with my spiritual work? Am I being selfish with my feelings?

Edited December 8, 2019 by aaalex

[erik8lrl]

Lol, you already answered your own question. Just love. Isn't the intimacy that you seek just deep love? You are having an ego backlash. When you are fully awakened, you have the choice to do anything you want. Yes, in high states of consciousness you experience infinite love so completely that there is no need for sexual unification, but you eventually come back to live in the separate self while you are alive, then it becomes a choice to do anything. So it is not true that after awakening he won't feel intimacy anymore. You can love intimately even in higher consciousness. People even use it as a path to awakening. Feel your love for each other, and know that love is all there is.   

Edited December 7, 2019 by erik8lrl

[aaalex]

8 hours ago, erik8lrl said:

Lol, you already answered your own question. Just love. Isn't the intimacy that you seek just deep love? You are having an ego backlash. When you are fully awakened, you have the choice to do anything you want. Yes, in high states of consciousness you experience infinite love so completely that there is no need for sexual unification, but you eventually come back to live in the separate self while you are alive, then it becomes a choice to do anything. So it is not true that after awakening he won't feel intimacy anymore. You can love intimately even in higher consciousness. People even use it as a path to awakening. Feel your love for each other, and know that love is all there is.   

I understand that I am probably looking at this from an ego backlash point of view. I’m just really trying to grasp this and look at what is hurting in me. This is one of the most challenged situations I’ve had in life. I do seek Divine Love. 

But what to do if he does not see me more as before? More like a sister than a lover? How could intimacy then even happened? I’m not just talking sexual. I somewhere understand that love is all there is and to not make a separation but just by observing how he behaves around me, I see that there is nothing more than a genuine love towards another human being. It feels like we’ve never been in a loving relationship from the first place.

He described it as he is dying. There is no Self. Everything connected to his former Self is gone. Both me and him have had a mourning process about our relationship these last couple of days.

Maybe I am in denial and don’t want to accept that my feelings for him is based in my identification I took when I was born. It just does not feel like that genuinely atm. The more layers I’ve striped from myself the more intense my feelings have gotten.

Maybe this is one of the biggest Let Go lessons I need to have to really be able to do so properly. If so, it’s quite brilliant from a bigger point of view.

Edited December 8, 2019 by aaalex

[erik8lrl]

Yes, if your truely love him wouldn't you love him even if he is awakened? Let go of control and surrender to love. Or just tell him how you feel, just love, just be. Things might change once he is fully awakened. You can also awaken yourself and then you will understand what to do and why everything is the way it is. Love only gets deeper and stronger after awakening.   You might also want to look into Tantra Yoga.

Edited December 8, 2019 by erik8lrl

[aaalex]

On 2019-12-08 at 6:20 PM, erik8lrl said:

Yes, if your truely love him wouldn't you love him even if he is awakened? Let go of control and surrender to love. Or just tell him how you feel, just love, just be. Things might change once he is fully awakened. You can also awaken yourself and then you will understand what to do and why everything is the way it is. Love only gets deeper and stronger after awakening.   You might also want to look into Tantra Yoga.

It wasn’t about that I wouldn’t love him if he would awaken.

I did read some of your answers in another thread about soulmates which made me reflect, ALOT. We’ve never experienced anything like this before, so both of us created some kind of resistance to what happened. 

Surrendering to love changed everything for both of us. I somehow forgot for a split second in my backlash that I have chosen this. I appreciate you calling me out on that, that was very healthy for me to hear.

We have done some tantric practices / sex before but never tantra yoga. Will look into it.

Love.

Edited December 13, 2019 by aaalex