Fear or maturity?

[Codrina]

I am at a point in my life when I get to choose my path. I have a small budget which allows me to go anyway I choose.

I had an idea of what I wanted to do, the reason I was working for my budget. I worked hard  for almost two years and now, that I'm here, I am having second thoughts.

I am trying to figure out if what I feel comes from truth or fear. 

I am soon to be 32. I always created. Loved it. I went to study architecture, probably for all the wrong reasons. Droped out after 4 years and went to be a bartender and trying to earn a living from my creations - never happened.

I improved my technique and learned lessons along the years.

Now I can afford to live in Barcelona and do art (my plan was be a bartender 20h a week, work on wooden jewelry 20h a week, and work some on my  paintings - with the hope that in time I could give up bartending all together)

But I feel like doing art is selfish and pointless. I feel like the world doesn't need more objects. I feel that more than anything I would like to help people find love again.

I would like to be part of a community, to help, and I think that would be impossible in Barcelona. I know nothing of their struggles and communication to create deep connection is even more difficult with the culture barrier ( and my Spanish is nowhere near my English)

I woke up the morning I was supposed to go and open a bank account here in Spain and thought if it would be better to go back to Romania, to my home town.

It would be more difficult to get a job, but rent would cost a third of what I would pay in Barcelona. I could also do some good for the community which raised me. 

I thought I could study psychology and be a teacher. Work with people who stayed and create a better place to live, so maybe people won't feel like they have to run away, like me and plenty others.

My family moved to Spain a few years ago. And it is better living conditions, for a worker, than in my home country. 

I wish I knew if it is a real desire, or if I am scared of my first dream and running away from it. Or have I just discovered that my first dream was not really a dream true to my heart, just a way to live a cool life in the eyes of others.

In case it helps, I have a mediator personality and I am a natural leader - never liked to be a boss (I think the tyrannic aspect of leadership made me ignore that aspect in me)

Thank you for taking the time to read

 

[The Don]

8 hours ago, Codrina said:

I wish I knew if it is a real desire, or if I am scared of my first dream and running away from it. Or have I just discovered that my first dream was not really a dream true to my heart, just a way to live a cool life in the eyes of others.

Știam eu că ești din România, @Codrina.

Mă bucur că mai sunt și persoane din România care scriu și cer sfaturi pe forumul ăsta.

Orice vrei să îndeplinești e realizabil; îți poți atinge obiectivele însă trebuie să te dedici total și să aplici disciplina în viața de zi cu zi. Cu toate că mulți dintre cei care vor să realizeze obiective mari știu lucrurile astea, le este frică să acționeze.

Meditația e un mijloc prin care dezvolți disciplină. Meditația e un mijloc prin care-ți dezvolți capacitatea de a procesa informații fără să fii nevoită să faci eforituri care nu sunt necesare.

Ca să fii de succes și să realizezi ce ți-ai propus, trebuie să-ți dezvolți intelectul. Cititul, scrisul și comunicarea orală sunt fundamentale în ecuația asta.

Este o carte extraordinară, intitulată „The Road Less Traveled”, scrisă de Scott M. Peck. Citește-o căci te va ajuta enorm de mult.

Edited November 23, 2019 by The Don

[Codrina]

Thank you for your advice.

I do meditate, 30 min now. Sometimes for an hour. I also practice mindfulness throughout the day.

I used to do an hour of yoga daily, until my work hours changed and I had to change my routine.

Reading and writing are not much of an issue. I could work on oral communication, as I haven't practiced that since I was 15.

I am well aware that the next stage of my life is going to be the toughest.

That is why I want to choose the truest path to my heart. And I am just not sure which one it is anymore. 

Edited November 23, 2019 by Codrina
Forgot something