Disconnection

[Proactive]

Hi cuties. I have been DARK AND SCARY lately

now it is time to be light and dairy

 

Mhhhhhhhhhhhhh, coffffffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. IS AMAZINGGGGG. AHHAHAHAHAHHA.

Soooooooooooo, THISSS IS HOW I TYPEEEEEEEEEEEE. 

INCREASE THE VIBES

AHHHHHHH. 

OMG

CLIMAX

ITS HAPPENING AH

 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. 

ok im back to normal. Fuck life it sucks

 

[Proactive]

So, there's lots to type. But little of it really matters right now.

I can type all sorts of things. I can say all sort of shit. 

But doing so does not communicate with my brain directly.

It can be helpful

It  can also push me off that fine line

It can also be completely useless.

 

Who the fuck am I?

I am nobody.

 

What am I going to do?

Focus hour by hour on completing my assigned tasks

 

Also In my first post I said I would get a rock. Well I did.

I even painted 2 eyes on her.

Edited September 16, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

It's the small stuff that makes the difference.

Time is completely relative. 1 hour or 10 hours can feel like the exact same thing. 

I was actually talking about this from the phenomenological perspective("I did not have to google that up to know how to spell it").

But i'm going to talk about it from a physics standpoint as well.

One person can literally feel time passing by forever whereas we can just feel it for a single second.(the outside perspective)

"there's an eternity within a single second" proactive (2019) <- very cool quote, don't actually understand it. 

 

My perception of time should NOT be trusted. Since it is NOT constant. I guess I should use a timer constantly. To be capable of keeping track of time in an objective way. I want to buy a fancy mechanical watch, those things are so cool. Butttt, i'm not rich so sad. If anyone wants to buy me a expensive watch. PM me.

 

Time is limited. I've been gaining more and more consciousness on that fact. 

 

We have little control of our future self. <- This is a fact that I need to understand.

The only thing we can control is the person here right now. Focus. 1 second at a time, 1 hour at a time.  Thats how you make decisions.

The farther out in the future, the less control you have.

 

It's the 1 second decisions we make that dictate our life. I need to reframe certain situations to meet reality.

Such as I took a lunch break today. That took about 3-4 hours?

What caused that is a one second decision to stay on youtube. After i've finished eating. I was watching self-help material so it does make it a bit better I suppose.

It's the environment switches you put yourself into.

 

If you want to build something. Lay down the bricks. One second at a time. 

If we want control over our life. Control what happens this second. 

 

When we actually hit the present. That is called flow. That is where we have total control over what we do. When the goal is happening right now. And it is accomplished as soon as you create it. I thought i'd say this again. But being in the present moment does not mean thinking about whats gonna happen in 2 nano-seconds.

 

Edited September 18, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Your thoughts are like little magnets that float above you.

They pull your attention away from what you're doing.

If you're not conscious when the magnet is  hovering above you. Welp, good bye me.

 

That is why being ready, and conscious for as long as possible is important.

Every single second, So the chances of magnets pulling me away is unlikely

 

[Proactive]

To push yourself is to live every moment with great intensity.

To completely disregard all the things you can not control completely. 

 

Such as what happens in 1 second.

Such as preparing for the future.

Such as reading about how we can improve ourselves in the future.

Such as doing homework so we can pass the course

 

Live in this moment. Nothing else matters. Because you can't control anything else.

 

Every couple of hours though, we should put our head up and see what is actually happening. Look into the future.

Look into your emotions. Then plan accordingly.

[Proactive]

I seem to have found the answer to the too much time for a break.

 

The problem was that i was eating too much. Then the food made my consciousness lower while I was tired.

Then I go ahead and waste 3 hours.

 

So eat less.

 

Also another thing I did was rewarded myself for doing a specific task with lunch. If I don't finish it, it means no lunch for the entire day.

[Proactive]

Time to put awareness onto socialization once again

So, I've had a few interactions. I believe my dedication towards focusing on just the interactions has helped a lot.

I have become quite authentic. Not needy, not too quiet.

 

I believe its time to set another goal. I haven't been to proactive though.

As leo says "fear doesn't exist".It's only true if you are in the present moment.

If you see all the thoughts of the future as THOUGHTS. NOT THE FUTURE.

 

That's what stops me from doing overly assertive stuff.

So what will I do?

I'm normal at the moment. What I want to focus on now is making socializing more fun.

I have created an energy that doesn't make people feel nervous, or anything. I think I'm just a normal guy.

I don't judge people, I don't have negative thoughts towards anyone so thats nice.

 

Ok, I see a bad thought. I'm doing this for other peoples attention. II'm using that as a gauge for my success.

Here's a fact I cannot deny.  I??, want ?, a tribe ?.disgusting, what have I become.

Provide value is what I hear. Be authentic. Be more assertive.

 

Now i'm back to normal phew. I don't require friends. Just do fun shit. Don't allow other poeple to limit you. 

That means fear of talking to them. Aswell. Don't let them make you afraid to talk to them

[Proactive]

TRAUMAAAAAAAAAA. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

hi, it is me.

traumatized boi

 

I did have a friend at one point who was really close to me. But then we separated.

I don't realize it, but it effects me in a large way till this day.

 

I think it was like taking a cutt in my arm, then literally ripping it open as wide as you can.

 

The effect that would have on your identity is the painful part.

Anyways, thats past.

The wound has not healed. Yet I seem to think it has many times.

It's like taking a broken arm and not believing it's broken. Then throwing a baseball with it.

 

We may need to learn to throw with the other hand, accept reality. It's gonna take time.

Love that withered human that you see in the horror movies cuz that is me.

My hand is broken. Now what?

Edited September 19, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Hi, the legend is back.

I have come to save the world

Global warming

So, I haven't really thought about global warming in many many years. I use to be quite passionate about this. But it has slowly faded.

Yes, we are all going to die eventually. 

But lets just keep trying to live as long as we can.

 

How can I help?

Humanity is getting better. But maybe not fast enough. When is elon going to fucking replace plastic. God dammit he's so slow. He does not work hard enough is the problem. 

The solution is quite simple. Bring prosperity to all nations.  Get them through the spiral quicker. Give people the food,water,job security, ect.

Or completely eradicate the benefits of unsustainable energy.

 

So, I am looking for a new project to work on. However I  don't need to do this alone. Plenty of people want to help, I just gotta give them the opportunity to do so. 

There are many many paths that have a higher likelihood of succeeding. However; i'm going to stay on my path and take a little risk, high reward, low chance. So this projects goal is indirect. It's to attempt to understand quantum mechanics of a deeper level than any other human possible. Having a revolution in physics will cause a revolution in engineering, and so forth. This is the way I want to go about it.

I am overestimating my abilities like usual. But i've gotta try. I need to go deep into quantum mechanics. Deep into physics not only for my sake, but for humanities sake. Even all animals, all life. The entire eco-system.

Am I actually smart enough? Talent does exist, and it does dictate real results.

This is clearly the dunning krugger effect, I'm feeling confident. This means I've got a long way to go, reallllly long. LIKE REAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLYYYYYYYY long way to go. Like HOLY FUCKING SHIT. HOLY MOTHER FUCKING GOD. LOL. 

nvm i'm not confident. Ugh, this is going to be the hardest journey of my life even if I cannot directly see the problems that are going to arise. I do believe that nobody can tell me how "smart" I am. School results, none of that can dictate shit. Only I can dictate it. I believe recently I've started tapping into how humans are actually supposed to think. Without words. Nobody actually teaches this in school. 

I just want to let myself know how hard this goal of mine is. I don't want a skewed reality. But at the same time; reality could demotivate me.

 

I could end up wasting my entire life, and just failing. But i'd atleast be engaged, I'd atleast have tried. Sacrificing all things.

Or I could pick a easier route. Not sacrifice, all my relationships, jobs, ect.

This is clearly the best option, but the hardest to accomplish. Succeed, and get relationships. Try, but also try other things.

[Proactive]

Global warming part 2

Well, I believe that relationships and all these things should ultimately be used to boost me towards my goal. I would have a much harder time doing this all alone.

Also we should break our goal into smaller ones.( it was just supposed to be a small project, but I ended up redefining my life purpose more clearly)

 

I matter. I am important. My needs need to be met.<- it's a requirement to changing the world.

simultaneously. I don't matter, that's why i'm pursuing these goals.

 

This dilemma is very important to solve. I've never really asked questions on this forum as I try to solve them myself. I'm gonna try to put this into a question.

I've sacrificed myself for the collective many many times. That's the big reason why i'm a loner.

 

Think of dedication to self as collection of money. Think of dedication to collective as using money.

How do you use the most money possible? Do you fill yourself with as much as possible? 

When do you decide to prioritize one over the other?

When your low on money. You should focus on money. Never stop giving.

 

Here's the thing. I only need so much, it remains constant at a certain point.

But helping people, grows exponentially.

 

So the time I dedicate to my well being. Should remain constant throughout my entire life.

 

[Proactive]

What are my emotional needs? Whats the correct balance?

This should never be compromised. Ever. My needs take place before others.

1. Don't feel inadequete. Grow

Usually there's a stage where i've socialized enough and I retract into myself because I don't get pleasure from other people anymore. What do I do there?

What will keep me in is empathy, to help other people meet their needs. 

 

Social interaction is all about giving and taking.

If i'm just giving, then i'm a teacher.

If I'm just taking i'm a student.

If i'm doing both, i'm a friend.

 

The correct amount of socialization largely depends on what there is to take and what I have to give. Otherwise it actually is a waste of time.

What about unconditional love? I mean that doesn't feel like a waste of time. Isn't that all you need?

I DONT KNOWWWW AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

[Proactive]

Self love doesn't fix your needs.

It just makes it okay that your feeling this way. Its removing friction from the feeling. It's understanding. It's love my hunny.

You are okay where you are right now. I love you no matter where you are, or what you've become.

It doesn't make everything alright at the same time.

You ARE here, and you SHOULD try to get out because it'll help you get to where you want.

 

It's okay where you are right now  AND  you should try to get out.

Contra-fuckingdiction.

Why should you get out if you are okay here? Because I am not okay here. It is NOT okay that you are here.

This is feminine vs masculine shit.

I guess the truth is just a balance of these. We kinda have to accept this contradiction for now.

I'll need to go into more depth about this in the future.

For now, it's time to get into the moment and start working.

[Proactive]

If i'm going to die. I'm going to die being all that I can be.

I'm going to break that fucking glass as a mosquito

[Proactive]

What's my biggest fear?

I don't really know. I think I won't know until I am actually there. In your mind, you could probably jump off a cliff. But in reality it is probably different.

 

Lets get a checklist of fears I have.

1. Boring sad life where I am a wage slave alone
2. death probably ? ( I don't feel afraid of it currently)
3. Showing my real self to other people in real life. 
4. fear of being inferior to everyone?
5. fear of failing my assignments <- CALLED PROCRASTINATION

Uhhhh, that's all I can think of

#3 seems to be the scariest. I am absolutely fine in shallow relationships and such. But I cannot seem to accept myself. My self-confidence is non-existent. It is so low that I had given up on my life in the past, and to just give everything I have to the collective. Not to feel better, but because I was so low value, and I don't matter.

I'm afraid to show the darker sides of myself.

I do show my authentic self, but only the sides of me that I deem are likable. 

 

What parts of myself am I afraid of showing?

I'm afraid to show weakness. To show i'm lonely. To show that I need other people. Because if I do they will DEFINITELY not accept me.

I'm also afraid of people thinking i'm dumb. <- never realized this was impactful on my life

but mainly just in general I have a hard time thinking people would like me.

 

The fear is only here because I believe that about myself. I believe that i'll get harmed if I show my real self. It was used to protect me from getting hurt over and over again in my family environment.

TO BE CONTINUED 

 

Edited September 22, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

What emotion is the strongest?

for generating motivation?

 

Does it matter? Or is it just strength of the emotion?

[Proactive]

I realized that I do compare myself to others. This must be contemplated over.

I only compare myself to those that I deem are similar to me. They have that, and yet I don't. It shows me that I could have that, but I didnt work hard enough for it.

Now, comparing myself to someone.

What is it?

It's seeing yourself in the bottom of a hierarchy.

Now, what I see is a small section of the hierarchy and therefore have a skewed perception of reality. Also, the hierarchy is usually made by humans.

 

I guess what i'm ultimately saying is that you are either good, or bad at something. You either meet the requirements or you don't. Yes it sucks. You may see other people "easily" obtaining what you cannot. You have to sacrifice 2x more resources for the exact same thing.

I mean, I could try to frame this positively like I usually do. But I won't. That is the truth. Sorry. 

I'm just trying to capture the brutal nature of hierarchies.

 

Now here's the hopeful side.

I'm not saying that you can't improve though. That the brain doesn't grow. Ultimately this is something that we don't know. 

Everyone has different talents, everyone learns a bit differently.That is true.

With every negative thing you have; you gain something positive.

For example

• I would assume people who are anxious, or depressed are actually more creative and expressive.
• People who can't see, hear better

When certain parts of your brain shrinks; other parts grow to fill that space.

 

[Proactive]

My explanation of masculinity and femininity which is not a very good one because i've only watched youtube videos on it.

What is masculine energy?

testosterone. Fueled with it. Eyes on the goal. I'm going to get there. Sweating, tired. Yet still sprinting.

What's feminine energy?

Heal, your emotions. Your body. Just feeling, just accepting what is happening .

 

So far, my guess is that the more femininity I put onto myself. The more masculinity I am. And vice-versa.

[Proactive]

one second has passed

5 seconds have passed

10 seconds have passed.

Why am I writing?

20 seconds have passed.

25 seconds have passed.

30 seconds have passed.

What am I doing?

35 seconds have passed

DUDE TIME IS PASSING

1 MIn has passed

OMG I'M WASTING SO MUCH FUCKING TIME. WTF

1.2mins have passed.

FUCKKKK. DAMMIT

2MINS HAVE PASSED.

[Proactive]

NOOOOOOOOO, I RELAPSED.

I PLAYED SO MUCH VIDEO GAMES AGAIN AND I FEEL SHAME. I FEEL LIKE I WASTED THAT TIME. UGH. 

RANT POST BTW

The good thing is I finally got a job after applying to like 40. I decided to lower my standards and just work at mcdonalds which turns out to actually have lots of benefits. And it is actually kinda healthy( in canada atleast).

I'm quite proud of myself for that. Hopefully that little bit of socialization will help me out.

I'm not going to contemplate about how to fix my addiction. I'm going to email the company to just delete all my accounts.

 

I'm just kinda dissapointed at myself. I tell myself one game , one game. That is never the case.

 

I'm also kinda interested in making watches. I bought a book, and want to start making shitty watches using 3d printers.

 

but yeh.

what we gonna do now?

not math homework, cuz that caused so much friction tooday. Lets just read.

 

gaming effects my self-esteem. It actually makes it lower. Because I lose control of myself. I lose time. It actually effects my social anxiety as well because of that.

I guess what we have now is a lot of energy. Negative motivation. This is where i'd usually run unbelievably far but it's not a good idea since I hurt it from running recently.

This energy should be used to create systemic changes. While i'm motivated, i'm going to delete every single one of my games. I'm going to take my mouse, and destroy it. This doesn't address the root cause, but that's okay. I'm working on it. In fact i've been so much more social lately its insane. 

ok, i'm going to write those emails now. OK DONE. There was insane intensity there.

 

What next. My mouse. How am I going to destroy it? well, lets not waste the parts. Literally take it all apart using a screwdriver and see whats inside.

ok, that was painful. Just wasted money, but I gained  time.

 

OK WHAT NEXT. Now i'm going to fucking tackle this mother fucking math problem that I couldn't finish which caused me so much friction that I ended up playing video games. I'm not sleeping until I submit this assignment. GOOD BYE 

[Proactive]

ok, there's no way video games are coming up again.

I'm eating btw, so i'm typing aswell.

Video  games are not the problem here. It's just magnifies the negative consequences of what is going on.

The problem is going to arise again now in the form of youtube, or this blog. Which is slightly better.

I always want to be this engaged. This intense. But I can't because my survival doesn't depend on it.

 

OK, what am I going to do to increase the survival. The less control I have the better.

there are apps where I lose money. That is a good place for this.

 

My brain will adapt as needed to survive. 

Now, positive motivation works, but only sometimes. It depends on what activity i'm doing. How hard it is. I am open minded to try it out again. obviously

If I want to sleep, I better eat faster.