Disconnection

[Proactive]

I've been reading a bit of meditations(stoic book). Thought i'd begin my journey toward stoicism. I may end up adapting it.

 

First thing i'd like to announce is that I am basically dead. My time on this earth is going to be short.

I am nobody. Nobody is writing this journal. 

Its just writing on its own I guess ?.

 

What is nobody here to do?

Nobody is here to love stuff. Like cats,frogs, boys, grills, and rocks. I do love rocks indeed.

In fact; i'm gonna start looking for a rock and color on a face.

I will love this rock till he dies.

 

Mhhhhh. Basically this journal is just to remind myself of those 2 things.

1. Who I am
2. What i'm meant to do

I also tend to contemplate about shit. So I may put it on here.

Edited August 27, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Life aint fair. Unexpected things can happen.

People close to you could be pulling you in wrong directions.

There are only 2 things you can do

1. Fight against the current
2. Let the current sweep you off your feet

 

No matter how hopeless it feels. This choice to keep trying even though you are guaranteed to fail is what I choose to do.

After all i'm just a flash in the sky. Why do my feelings matter at all? What matters more is society, humanities feelings.Help humanity.

There is 3 things you can do to cope through life (#2 and #3 seeem valid to me so far.)

1. Create your own reality. Frame every situation to benefit your emotions.
2. Look truth in the fucking face. Feel so much fucking pain but still continue.
3. Mixture between 1 and 2.

#1 doesnt work in the long term because eventually truth wins.

#2 - Works but it is really hard as truth can be extremely painful.

#3 - idk. Myabe make your reality realitive to truth? Too much thinking for my weak brain.

 

But yeah. I am nobody; doesn't matter what knowledge I generate. What matters is the love I give to those who are still alive after I have died.

[Proactive]

My social plan

We are designed to be part of a group.

 

What am I going to be focusing on to obtain relationships that I care about.

1. Be yourself. Stop thinking and limiting your speech. Be vulnerable. Stop caring about what others think.
2. Care about others while interacting. Be empathetic. Talk to elevate my own vibes.
3. Be relaxed.

 

1. Don't give up. Be proactive. The only goal I have here is creating the correct vibes while being vulnerable. If I can't make friends then, doesn't matter. Just keep my attitude the same. Continue being proactive
2. Doing this to just make friends is stupid. Don't attempt to make friends. Attempt to be yourself without fear. Attempt to love others openly. This does not  mean don't take action to strike up a conversation with a stranger or other proactive socializing.

Action is not enough as i've tried that before. There needs to be some inner work. I can't just focus on inner work either as that is not solving any problem.

I need to work on my self-esteem. I grew up in an environment where I was only criticized. Which has caused unconscious beliefs to appear.

 

Being capable of seeing through the painful lenses that have been constructed in front of me.

Social values

1. I want to be non-judgemental, and be able to love all sorts of people. I want to talk to a delusional person without being angry. I want to talk to someone that hates me with empathy.
2. Empathy. I need to get in touch with this aspect of me once again through interacting with people.
3. I want to have higher self-esteem. I feel like i'm ashamed of myself in a lot of situations. 

 

So while being nobody is useful and very practical. This disidentification with myself was caused by my lack of proactivity in this aspect of my life.

Be careful not to get overly attached to the social aspect of my life. It's something that I said I would do. So don't question. Trust in your higher-self and just do it.

I am still nobody. Close your eyes, feel the energy coursing through your veins.

You are limitless.

Every single atom in your body has the capability of creating a nuclear bomb.

You are just energy.

Edited August 29, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

If you want to help humanity. Help individuals.

So I have a problem of loving humanity but hating humans sometimes.

 

You need to realize that other humans have the capability of changing the world.

Your love could inspire someone to start something crazy.

Your little spark of energy could set a whole tank of oil on fire.

 

The opposite could also be true. Some negative remark could set a chain reaction of negative energy.

 Be the water that stomps out that negative energy.

 

I underestimate the power of other humans as I see them as a collective. Not a collective of individuals.

Edited August 29, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

To be nobody we must understand desire

What is desire?

Desire is a belief that once you obtain something. You'll be happy. This means that you are not happy now. 

This is a very stupid way of living because once you get your reward. You'll receive a bunch of dopamine for a short period of time.

Then go back to unhappiness. We shouldn't even be aiming for happiness. What's the point?

 

Is your life supposed to be just about taking all you can?

Giving nothing away

Then dieing and losing it all just like everyone else?

 

Literally being a robot. 

 

Enjoy this moment

Here, and now

Moment

to

Moment

like a skipping rock rippling accross the calm peaceful lake.

[Proactive]

So i've been asking myself what is consciousness. There are 2 components I have identified

1. Focus
2. Energy

Today I am going to focus on energy.

I believe humans get energy not only from food,water, and sleep. But focusing, and connecting with whatever we're doing.

What we feel when we tap into this, is we experience BEING.

BEING can be accessed through anywhere, doing anything.

Every single small thing as i've stated before has a fuck ton of energy. One atom can create a nuclear bomb.

 

I have this need to just collect the energy. Keep on getting STRONGER AND STRONGER. Accumulate this energy. KEEP GROWING. KEEP GROWING.

Then I guess one day we'll explode. Give away our energy. Loving our environments and continue the  circle of life. 

 

When we see dirt. We can see it as a bunch of dead humans, animals, ect which sacrificed their life. So we could get food and exist.

Yum!

 

We stop BEING when we can't access energy from what we are doing. This causes boredom, hatred, depression.

Edited September 1, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

A cool way a super high consciousness society could operate

So this is just a theory. The theory is that It can't.

 

Why? Conscious creatures eat lower level creatures.

I can't survive without food. Maybe society, ect. These things take advantage of their environments.

 

Eventually once all your needs are met. Up till the identification of conscious, and unconscious things.

You would love everything. You wouldn't try to harm it. Even if they are harming you and you'd die. 

 

You'd be the soil for the red society.

 

Well isn't that a sad story. We are just in an endless loop? like the ying yang symbol?

Yes. This is the best survival strategy. Time will never end. The only way for that to happen is an endless loop. 

 

 

I feel like there's a level of consciousness past this level as well.

Who knows. Maybe there's 60 more levels of consciousness out there that we cannot become conscious of.

Edited September 1, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Nobody knows shit.

Nobody can tell me what I can, and cannot do.

 

We are just all humans trying to survive within this world.

 

It is very important to remember that we know nothing. Otherwise we will get deluded. I don't know a single fucking thing. Nor will I ever know it.

It feels pretty good to say it.

say it with me

I DON'T KNOW A SINGLE FUCKING THING. NOR WILL I EVER KNOW IT. YEAH!

 

The simple life.

No ambitions. Just wake up.

Do what I need to do to play my role in society.

Then go to sleep.

 

At the same time I have this desire to 

Set those exciting ambitious exciting goals?

These two may sound contradictory. But maybe they aren't if you play it correctly.

Edited September 3, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

I thought i'd post about my journey through school today.

So I woke up this morning. I started it off with the typical bad schedule that I did last semester. Which I am going to 

change starting tomorrow by playing a less addictive game that is still lots of fun.

 

Anyways. From there, I had thoughts like "its the first day.",  "We don't do anything important. "

I still went anyways so i'm quite proud of myself because I didn't feel like going. But I trusted that my higher-self has thought things through. So I should go ahead and do it.

Once I went to school. I felt anxiety. I think i'm afraid of being judged. Here I used some stoic techniques to remember that i'm not important as well as focusing on my thoughts. Being as aware as I can, to not allowing my emotions to being controlled. To not sway towards positive or negative emotions. But to remain logical.

Then once I got to school. I went into a empty classroom and contemplated a bit. I was starting to feel a little depressed as I feel quite bad being a loner. I believe these emotions i'm feeling will not subside. But I must still go to class, and do all these things regardless.

Since my name is proactive. I remembered my social plan which was posted previously here.To not focus on making friends. But to focus on the interactions I had, alongside the emotions I felt. Always look for opportunity to act in a way. But not be motivated by the external reward of friends.

So i'm quite happy and proud of myself today.

 

Now what can I do better? I think today I was extra anxious as I drank coffee and did not eat lunch. Which I may or may not continue doing.

 

So maybe I think I could be in a better state to begin with. I could exercise, and meditate in the mornings. Be very vigilant in contemplating my day. I was very nervous today. But it didn't impact my lecture notes so thats good.

Things will get better with practice. I will feel less, and less nervous as the school year goes.

 

The hard part is to remain this person. To continue to trust my higher-self has looked out for me. To continue being proactive and looking for socialization opporunities. To continue using stoic techniques to have perspective on the situations. To continue exploring art, music, electronics even with the stress of classes.

 

[Proactive]

Detachment is a very useful tool to dealing with emotional issues. During times of hardships, to see yourself from a view outside of yourself.

To see all your beliefs, as just a view, a perspective. Disassociate yourself from these beliefs/thoughts.

 

I seem to think certain things are reality. When in reality we are constructing most of it(idk how much).

I make "observations" of what is happening. These must be true.

To catch these observations takes immense vigilance.

 

I think in order to LIVE a conscious life. To break out of your unconscious life. Takes the ability to catch these observations that cause you to react in a certain way. To see these are not actually reality.

 

As the forums most conscious and funniest character I have decided to do my jokes once again.

Joke of the day -

16 years ago. I was a young lion. Starting my journey on the circle of life by listening to hakuna matata.

16 years later. I'm still listening to hakuna matata.

 

ok that was bad. lol. That was the worst joke i've ever made. I'm quiting fuck this shit

 

 

[Proactive]

My dream fortunately is possible to achieve NOW. I don't need to go through many hoops in order to get there thankfully. I am very grateful for this. I have not adapted it to reality where there's darkness.

 

To just sit down. A couple of hours disposable.

Books in front.

Clear desk.

Just get lost in this other world.

It doesn't need to be sunshines and rainbows. I could be wandering in the dark. I usually am.

Curious.

Afraid.

What's to come? 

I step on many pieces of lego along the way.

I hit my knee on corners of beds.

I hear happy birthday being sung constantly.

 

Fire comes shooting out of my eyes. Energy flows through my body. Determined to get across for no specific reason whatsoever.

Just focused on the game.

Parrying all negative thoughts.

"i'm too tired", "whats on the news", "ow, do you feel that pain in your heart?", "I need to do some shadow work"

"I can do this", "Nothing will stop me", "Keep trying", "I will never give up", "I can make it", "I will do this"

 

welp. Lets get started then.

 

 

 

[Proactive]

Where am I actually headed in life? - So this post I just used my intuition. As well as looking at myself from a omnipotent POV.

Looking at my habits 

I'm not getting towards where i'm hoping to go.

But i'm also not going towards where I fear.

 

What would it take for me to get to where i want to go?

Happiness.("its just a word I use to describe somethign else")

How will I achieve this happiness?

Progress. Doing what I say i'm going to do. Feeling pride at what I'm doing. This will cause a positive feedback loop.

 

Just sit down and be proud of yourself. Be grateful.

 

How to avoid where I don't want to go?

stop focusing on my fears. Focus on the positivity.

[Proactive]

Be aware of possible problems that could arise.

 

So, this post is actually about the benefits of negative thinking that i've noticed a bit.

The day before, I believe you should be as aware as possible of the possible hardships you will face tomorrow.

 

Then have the mindset of it being a challenge.

For example,

Tomorrow I will have an entire day to myself.

I can just focus on my homework, and really be in the zone!

challenge: Then beware of the loneliness.

 

I find myself to be more emotionally happy in the moment, this is because my guard is up.

and I guess it also prepares you for failure.

 

Hehe I just realized, this is a stoic visualization technique that leo taught a long time ago.

Edited September 10, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

Thought i'd have another go at trying to describe a life purpose( I know its very broad but it feels like it fits.)

 

My dream is to become a master at something.

To be able to see dots. Then connect them in ways nobody understands

To be capable of uncovering truths within reality.

 

For example imagine a blurry object.

As I improve, and improve, and improve. 

The blurry object slows down, until it completely stops moving.

Then I zoom into the clear object,

and go in. Where it is blurry.

Then I once again let it stop being blurry.

 

A normal person would see a bunch of individual dots

A master would see how each of these dots are interconnected. They would be capable of seeing the faint ropes attaching each dot to one another. They would be capable of seeing how these dots create a picture of its own.

 

Now, I don't really think the topic matters provided there is lots of depth. And that is the reason why I chose physics. Cuz that shit has depth.

 

This has been quite instrumental into understanding what it is I want.

 

So I don't mind being a janitor, but it would be better to make a bunch of money while being allowed to have extra time to pursue this "truth". To use the depth of knowledge I have to bring external rewards. To stop pursuing truth, and just simply use what I have to make a business on amazon for example. Since pursuing truth rarely rewarded in society. If ever

or, or, or just working a really boring 9-5 job, and just use that time to work on "truth".

 

Come to think of it, truth might not be the correct word.

Because music would be one of the topics i'd love to delve into deeper which I don't think has anything to do with truth.

Edited September 11, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

increasing curiousity.

While it is true we don't know anything at all. Literally we can not deductively know for sure.

 

I want to go on a lower level. To be curious about what it is we are actually doing.

Nobody ever actually spends time increasing their curiousity. For me curiousity is so important.

 

I mean it's quite simple.

It's important you feel relaxed. It's important you don't feel restricted. Go for a walk?

Look at the subjects you are learning. No feelings attached, just look at them. The specific concept.

No need to solve some problem. No need to learn anything. Just look. What is actually being said.

Then look at what is happening. Typically there's 2 things that'll happen.

1. You'll be unclear about what is actually going on
2. You'll be like that's amazing.

I use to take walks, and just look at big physics concepts. How it effects every single thing and that caused me to be so fucking curious. I would almost cry.

 

Sometimes, teaching is just feeding shit down peoples throat. Giving them some random formula. Well unfortunately you'd have to actually learn more in depth to use this technique. Which is what should need to happen.

 

I believe this actually has the chance to completely change how I operate. Which is insane, because its so fucking simple.

This is what learning is all about. This is how it should be done???????

 

Edited September 11, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

I don't know anything.

Nobody knows anything.

 

I don't know anything.

Nobody knows anything.

Today I contemplated about physics. Tried to answer the unanswerable questions. It caused me to be quite depressed due to how humans have a limited perception on reality. What we see with our eyes is just a small part of reality.

 

In the past, physics made me feel small. Which was amazing, because no more anxiety problems. I don't matter . Wow the universe is so cool

Today, I felt so fucking small. I will never amount to anything. Everything I believe will die. I think I finally see why death is depressing. It's all so pointless

 

In the past, I approached physics with curiousity. Dam I wonder what is out there.

Today I approached physics with the desire to actually know it all. I was hit with the limitations of being a human.

 

Anyways what I did was not physics. It was just speculation using my intuition, and what I actually know of the field of physics. Stay curious. Keep hope up. Overcome limitations.

Edited September 12, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

First thing i'm going to do is integrate walks more often in between studying. Getting into the present moment and allowing my mind to wander and be curious. This is beneficial to every single aspect of me. 

I'm going to do some simple rules that allow for a balance

1.  Shut off computer, absolutely everything by 8:00pm everynight. Then go take a nice shower. Then come back. READ + SELF-LOVE TIME.
2. When I pop out of bed. Head straight out of the house. I haven't been to the gym in a while. Getting kinda tired of just running.

 

[Proactive]

Darkness is my friend

 

Life has been a unbelievably painful experience for my ego.

I'm like a mosquito trying to break the glass. 

I'm just pushing and pushing. I'll push until I die.

Stupid? probably.

This is how I want to live and die.

 

Hehe. This is contradictory to my post yesterday. "Work until I die, fuck balance."

Anyways, if I tap into my negative emotions.( not victimization). It allows me to actually put in every single thing I have, to the point of almost dieing.

Move away from pain. Pain so great i'm willing to die.

This feeling is invigorating. 

On the micro, I use this to move me.

On the macro I should be focusing on self-love.

 

I've been watching a bit of kobe bryant and he has the alternate persona during on court( "black mamba or something").

Swap between these 2 personas.

On court he is egoless, he is just trying to survive.

Off court he is normal person.

 

This beast that is inside me should be controlled, as in the long term. If I allow him to run free. It will be counterproductive.

I'll give him a maximum of half my day (8 hours) to roam on this earth. Also continue with my yesterdays goals.

[Proactive]

Proactives analysis at conversations

Heyo. Conversations. I suck at them. So imma contemplate on it a little. I

 

How shalt I improve on it?

• Continue with giving unconditional love.(  it sometimes slips, and i'm back in a self defense mode. Especially when I perceive negative events to occur)
• Compliment others genuinely

How do I get further into a conversation. Have an interesting converstaion?

Notes

It's about the energy. It honestly doesn't matter what you are saying. But what the vibe is.

I have good energy when i'm not talking. But as soon as I open my mouth in certain environments I 

become another person.

What am I going to do?

I found this video extremely informational so I want to watch it over and over again.

my ultimate goal is to be able to strike up a conversation with a random stranger I see. So see if you can do it. No pressure if you can't.

I'm going to start just talking on camera. Maybe like 15mins a day? 10? 

 

 

Edited September 14, 2019 by Proactive

[Proactive]

HELLLLLLLO.

I AM POSTING ONCE AGAIN.

I have a dream of basically becoming a genius. Thought i'd just blurt that out.

I am putting too much time into this journal. I gotta take more action. Too much theory that hasn't even been proven right. Anywaysssssss

Using emotions to aid learning.

So emotions aren't just something you take care of then you can become "normal". That's just half of learning to manage your emotions. To not allow your emotions to control you.

The other half is to use emotions. 

Reading a textbook word by word. Then simply trying to understand exactly how this model works. This seems like a very boring way of learning. Therefore not sustainable and not what we are meant to do.

Let your imagination run free. Associate strong emotions to the topic. This will drive you to run in more intensely. You'll remember things that are more interesting.

It's hard to explain this because what I experience is emotion + visualization. You create the emotions. YOUUUUU . 

I am going to remind ya'll again that don't let emotions control you.

 

I should stop trying to just run in with the same method. Then blame myself because I don't have the discipline to work. My system for learning is all fucked up.

 

How do you create emotions?

Well, idk. The only way I can change towards any emotion I desire is simply visualization of a situation that makes me fearful. Happy. Ect.

Edited September 16, 2019 by Proactive