Going through the spiral

[Raphael]

I had an interaction with a woman at the post office more than a week ago. She was working there. I wasn't thinking of anything but she looked happy interacting with me, she was smiling and laugh without any reason at a moment. I didn't do anything special, I didn't crack a joke, but I just let myself being authentic. At the end of the interaction, she asked me if I'll come back for another procedure.

I put zero effort into it, it was completely effortless. I just let myself be.

Edited September 28, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

I failed enormously but at the same time I acquired enormous experience. I currently feel that I'm at the beginning of an exponential growth. Things are going to go BOOM!

[Raphael]

I'm currently getting back to my best self.

[Raphael]

Some people are just way more advanced than me I have to admit it. It's important that I stay real to where I am, I have things to work on at all SD stages.

[Raphael]

The best opportunity (and one of the only opportunities) that I have to meet new people who resonate with me a minimum and build a social circle is to get back in touch with this friend. He was supposed to contact me this month but still hasn't. If he doesn't contact me at a point, I'll contact him.

I would love to move to a big city in another country but Covid is blocking me. Also, the Sinopharm vaccine isn't accepted in most European countries.

For the moment and I don't know for how long, I'm basically trapped like Robinson Crusoe.

Edited September 29, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

I have all the capacities to do everything that I want in life, I can feel it inside me and I always knew it.

What always dragged me down was my lack of self-esteem and confidence. I know what is good for me and my intuition is very accurate and is able to detect when my ego is trying to sabotage me and when my ego is creating false intuitions. I know that by trusting my higher self I'll start to ace everything naturally. I know that because it already happened in the past, I had a period where I aced everything in life. However, I was dragged back into hell after this period. I was dragged back because I had stage red/blue/orange shadows, but now I am aware of that and I'm clearing all these shadows.

I will be able to maintain all the growth that I'm currently starting to experience. It will be tough and there will be backslashes but they won't make my life explode another time.

I will make it and I know it and I'm already making it.

[Raphael]

There are connections between my sexuality, my dad, my relationships with the opposite sex, and the kind of women that I attract.

My dad was so hypermasculine that it felt oppressive and retarded the development of my masculinity, I didn't have that many rights to express myself healthily so I laid back. I think that it has contributed to me being bullied at school because I wanted to be kind and compassionate and didn't want to be seeing as my dad. I reacted against him by being kind and caring, by being more feminine. I was masculine but not as much as other boys, I was repressing my masculinity. After a lot of moral bullying, I started to hide more and more and become hyper-logical and hyperfocused on school then hyperfocused on my career. It was a defense mechanism to push people away. I didn't want to show my pain.

My relationships have been highly messed up while growing up because of masculine / feminine imbalances.

My dad is inside me, his hypermasculine energy is there, I can feel it. The last time that it got out to the fullest was through panic attacks, I now want it to exists in a healthy way. I want to allow my dad to exists within me, I want his energy because he is extremely strong and powerful. I also want to combine his energy with the energy of my mom to have a healthy balance.

The 70% masculine / 30% feminine feels like the ideal balance for me.

I want to be masculine with a feminine touch.

Edited September 30, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

Most People Had It Harder Than Me

There are almost 8 billion people on this planet and most people experienced more difficult living conditions than me. Even some people who live in developed countries had it harder than me. At least I had a great and functional mother which balanced the instability of my dad, thanks to that I didn't grow up being a complete mess even though I had my difficulties.

My life hasn't been that hard, I'm deluding myself by thinking that my life has been hard.

[Raphael]

The sense of competitiveness that I feel on this forum is the sense of competitiveness that I feel within me. If it didn't exist within me, I wouldn't feel it.

Let's be honest, I have been a cold, ruthless, calculating, hypercompetitive person in the past especially in work environments and it caused relationship issues. I was that way because I was miserable, had nothing inside me, and therefore placed my entire worth on my competencies.

I also experienced some envy on this forum. I experienced some envy of some users who are much more aware and intelligent than me.

Edited September 30, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

My defense of women on this forum is a way to hide some subconscious conditioning within me that I absorbed from my dad and other guys who had a bit of misogyny inside them. It's also a way to hide the difficulties that I had growing up regarding attraction and sexuality. It's a way to avoid responsibility and to avoid fixing myself.

[Raphael]

Let's say that there is a strict line between Good and Bad.

If I reflect on my life, I often felt exactly on this line, exactly in the middle of Good and Bad. I often felt that if just a few tiny things didn't happen I would have fallen on the "Bad" side.

[Raphael]

1 minute ago, lxlichael said:

@Raphael wishing you well, hope you're doin alright mate!

Why?

[Raphael]

2 minutes ago, lxlichael said:

interesting question. In many planets, I agree, its probably an insult to say it. I guess... I wish you an eternity of whatever you wish for then heh.

I'm sorry, I wasn't insulting you, it's just that I didn't understand. I always asked why to people and it caused me a lot of issues in life.

I think this might be a defense mechanism.

[Raphael]

54 minutes ago, Raphael said:

I'm sorry, I wasn't insulting you, it's just that I didn't understand. I always asked why to people and it caused me a lot of issues in life.

I think this might be a defense mechanism.

It comes from a feeling of unsafety. I ask why because I'm distrustful of people because many times in my life people only cared about me so that I could be useful to them. I rarely felt genuine care, I often felt fake genuine care.

But how about me? Am I not that way too? Do I really genuinely care about people? Many times I didn't genuinely care about people and many times I only saw people as how they could be useful to me. However, I did genuinely care about some people in my life and always had a genuine concern for humanity.

A part of me is similar to these people who don't genuinely care. A part of me sees people as they can be useful to me exactly like some people see me as I can be useful to them. We are exactly the same. I can understand these people because a part of me is that way too. And I can now forgive, let go and move to a higher place.

[Raphael]

1 hour ago, lxlichael said:

I think your sorry is a defence mechanism  .

we can take more if you like, I mean. I feel that you're unnecessarily analysing your actions, like you're waking on your own feet.

how does it feel for you to be free, easy and carefree?  

or is this just a mode you're in?

do any tensions arise? If they do, I recommend just sitting with them and being calm with yourself. experiencing all the feelings and letting them flow out as they happen

Yeah, I'm currently in a self-analytical mode. Self-expression feels good.

I feel some burning feeling in my belly and feel a bit of relief each time that I say a radical truth about myself.

[Raphael]

@lxlichael Thank you

[Raphael]

I have a pretty negative self-image. Generally, people have much better opinions of me than I have of myself.

Edited October 2, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

Yeah, I have a screwed self-image. I'm not as bad as I think I am.

Edited October 3, 2021 by Raphael

[Raphael]

I have the capacity to solve any problem in the universe. I know that because this is what happens when I set an intention and do it, this is what happens when I trust myself and trust my intuition. Everything becomes effortless when I trust myself.

[Raphael]

I'm basically afraid of my power and my potential. I deeply know that I can transform myself and transform the world by setting an intention and starting doing it.

Edited October 3, 2021 by Raphael