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okulele

The inside of my mind

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Another journal. I like the idea of journals on this forum and I tried to write a few before, but I failed usually. What got in the way before were my selfish desires to make the journal appeal to possible readers. That corrupted the journal and was no fun for me.

I want to make this journal for me primarily. It will be a place for me to dissect my life, my practices, my thoughts.

I want to make it informal,... or formal. Whatever I feel like at the given moment. I want to give no restrictions on it,... or yes, if I feel like it.

As I said, I want to write about my life (basically that is the only thing I can write about, no?). Some of the themes in my life that I might write about:

  • career, job
  • relationships
  • psychedelics
  • reading
  • awakening
  • spiritual techniques
  • body
  • sports
  • qigong
  • microcosmic orbit
  • self inquiry
  • contemplation
  • god (there was a lot of hesitation if I should write this. It's a tricky topic for me. A lot of belief here, a lot of mind stuff)
  • my upcoming 4 week solo retreat (some pride here)
  • truth
  • health
  • videos I watch
  • beliefs
  • strategies
  • philosophy
  • delusion
  • actualized.org
  • zen
  • gurus
  • surrender!
  • wisdom
  • contemplation again
  • questioning (I loved the video. Really, really loved it)
  • emotions
  • ego
  • the earth
  • nature
  • society
  • culture
  • taking advice from others
  • etc

I am making it public, because I want to share. I want to share my life with others, feel a part of community maybe? Something like that. Feel that my life is being externalized in some way. Sooo, feel free to comment/respond/write if you like.

 


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The love/hate for Actualized.org and Leo Gura

I really like the channel, the philosophy, the forum, the way of life... the whole thing.

On the other hand, I despise it, ridicule it, criticize it, judge it.

Why am I so torn about the whole thing?

It seems like I accepted it too fully. I accepted without questioning, I built a personality around it. When I judge and despise, I really judge and despise my attachment to it. Nothing more. It's a tricky thing.

How do I follow these teachings without getting attached?

By having other sources. By reminding myself that all of this is of course relative. By seeing that this is part of the game, the dream. By seeing clearly that this way of life is by no means better or more advanced than the way 'regular' people live. In my mind, I see other 'regular' people live a life of mindless work and bar cycle. Sex and entertainment cycle. Completely unconscious. This sort of thinking makes me feel better about myself and my 'in-group' (basically Actualized.org). I go to the forum and to the videos to take a hit of this philosophy again and entrench myself deeper in the delusion that I am better than them, that my life is worth while. This is the insecure part of me using Actualized.org as it's illusory ground.

By seeing this, I think I can weaken and eventually break the attachment. This is my mind. This is how it works. Again, nothing wrong about it, that's what it is.

I would like to be conscious of my philosophies and my feelings of superiority.

Am I superior to anyone else?

What would that even mean? Well, I can be in my mind, my imagination. Right here, in reality, there is no distinctions like this. Actually, in reality, there seems to be no distinctions. So... Am I superior to anyone else? Again, only in my mind. Otherwise, there is no superior. It doesn't mean anything.

What is this pride (it makes me feel)?

I hate that feeling... yet it is a part of me. I hate it, again, because secretly I love it. Right? Can I find the way I secretly enjoy pride? Yes. Of course. There is a satisfaction. A very much 'underneath' hehe of pride :) That is what I feel when I read some of the posts on the forum and think how deluded the people are. At the same moment, I think myself undeluded and I feel the 'underneath' hehe of pride. What a subtle game!

Sooo, on the one had I have an entire ego wrapped up around Actualized.org and I could go on and on thinking and unraveling it. On the other hand, in reality, I can't see no ego. And that feels just fine.


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Microcosmic orbit and energy work

I read about the microcosmic orbit a long time ago. Years ago. It held strong appeal to me and I wanted to master it. After some struggle I managed to feel energy in the navel center (hara), which is the base of the practice. Soon I forgot about the method and dropped the practice.

I came back and started practicing! What brought me back? Desperation mostly. Health struggles, and the promise of a vibrant body full of energy.

So I read about these centers in the body. Front and back.

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The Taoist masters say that if you gather your attention in the navel center and start moving it through these 'chakras', you will eventually break open the microcosmic orbit, meaning, you will connect the front and back channels. This will result in good health, as the main blockages of the body will be released and the energy free to circulate, as well as with further possibilities of working with the energy body (like transmuting the sexual energy). Sounds very tempting, doesn't it?

Believe it or not, as I drive my attention from one of the described spots to the other, I really do find the mentioned centers. I find, that most of my low centers feel painful, blocked, stagnant and I stay with them for longer with the intention of release.

I do the first round very slowly and stay with each center for a couple of minutes (I guess). Strangely, this is really difficult and the mind is noisy. When I do further rounds quickly, with a breath at each center, it is much smoother and more quiet.

As I finish the circulation and gather the chi back at the navel, I open the eyes... what a sight! Everything is glowing, beautiful, silent and very much here. I take the chance to contemplate awareness or my own elusive nature. I feel really good after this practice.

I was asking myself, why am I doing this? Is this really about health? I guess there is some other motivation having to do with the pleasure of energy and the wonders of the body. I have an intuition (or is it all the stories I have heard?) that the human body has a lot of potential! It doesn't need to be a burden or just a meh... I think there are secrets to reveal. I can be fooling myself, maybe there is nothing, but I really, really want to see and that is enough for me to sit each day and do the thing. Besides, after a few years of carefully observing reality, I get the sense that anything I suspect to be possible (like some secrets of the body), turn out to exist if I look long enough. Besides, over three years ago I had an insight - 'I don't know if I am perceiving the world or creating it.' This stuck with me somewhere deep down there and I suspect that I have a hand in deciding what is real and what is not.


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This is a great video describing the realms of the chakras. Great as a guided mediation also.


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4 top values that I realized

(in order more or less)

  • Understanding (Truth, insight, consciousness)
  • Compassion
  • Creativity
  • Vitality (chi)

I hope to find some time to contemplate them deeper and write my thoughts about them.

Edited by okulele

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Accessing compassion

The question 'How does he/she feel?" is one of the access keys to compassion. The question is not asked to get an objective answer, it is asked to be opened up to the consciousness of compassion. There may be ideas, thoughts, feelings coming up as the answer to the question, and they might even be true in a sense, but the opening of the heart that comes simultaneously with the question springing in the mind is what we are after.

How does he/she feel?

What is it like for him/her?

What is it like to be it (animal)?

What is it like for this family?

What is it like for this group?

What is it like for humanity?


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I would like to use this occasion...

...to say how wonderful life is. This peace that envelopes all of us is so good. This unconditional support that is offered always is so generous. This wonderful mystery.

Thank you all :)


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This, I want to remember

The same issue again, and again, and again, and again.

What is it trying to show me?

I am not in control.

Thank you, dear issue :)


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Healing the body

(0. Activate the Throat)

 1. Activate the Heart

 2. Extend the Heart's space to the area that needs healing

 3. Be quiet

 4. Ask 'What is this?', meaning the tension or pain

 5. Observe carefully


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What is health?

Health of the body is an attitude of care extended from the mind towards it. Care is an attitude, and so it is invisible. All we can see are the effects. Some of them are softness in the body, feelings of security and love. A caring mind does not expect anything from the body, it just cares the way a mother cares for a child.


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Self Inquiry and Loving Heart (for lack of a better term) are the practices. One is the neti-neti, the other the yeti-yeti. One excludes all, the other welcomes all. One is totally empty, the other totally full. One is totally alone, the other is totally together.

They are really similar.

Edited by okulele

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How to be happy.

The question of happiness is one that concerns us all. We all want to be happy. Life is complex and there are many avenues where we can cause unhappiness to ourselves or others. I came up with these 5 branches, which if balanced and fulfilled, increase one's chances of leading a happy life dramatically.

These branches are Spirituality, Body, Work, Knowledge and Relationships.

 

Spirituality is concerned with questions such as 'Who am I?', 'What is life?', 'What is our purpose?'. It is centered around the idea of the Ultimate Truth. The main practice of spirituality is that of transcendence. We want to go beyond our ordinary experience and see what else is here. The secondary practices of spirituality are these of healing, purify and developing the mind and the emotions. This makes our journey towards transcendence easier and helps us to embody whatever we come across.

 

Body is concerned with questions such as 'How do I want to feel?', 'What is health for me?', 'How do I like to move?'. It is centered around the idea of care towards the body. An attitude of care is what is the pinnacle of this branch, however how this attitude is expressed may differ and branch out much further. Some of the basic further branches are Diet, Exercise, Rest.

 

Work is concerned with questions such as 'What do I want to do in my life?', 'What do I want to create?', 'How do I want to express myself?'. It is centered around the idea of creativity and of being an individual.

 

Knowledge is concerned with questions such as 'What interests me?', 'What do I want to learn?', 'How does ... work?'. It is centered around the idea of understanding. The two types of practices here are the outer and the inner. We receive knowledge from books, teachers, movies etc. (outer) and the we assimilate it, think it through in our own minds and hearts (inner).

 

Relationships is concerned with questions such as 'What do I want from others?', 'What is the best way to live with others?', 'Who do I want to be for others?'. It is centered around the idea of love and compassion.


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