2nd trip - 125ug 1P-LSD - becoming aware of awareness itself

[Mihael Keehl]

30.03.2018 – 125ug 1P-LSD

My first trip with 75ug, three weeks prior, was pleasant, but not as profound as I had expected. That experience dissolved my fear of psychedelics which made me feel ready and excited to take a higher dose.

I took 125ug of 1P-LSD on an empty stomach in silent darkness, layed on my bed and waited for the substance to kick in. I layed there for a while until I started to notice that my thoughts became faster and faster. I became more and more confused by random thoughts and mini insights that dissapeared again very quickly.

An undeniable presence

My thoughts became even faster, long chains of thoughts followed, until there was a sudden recognition. Somehow I became aware of awareness itself. I have heard the phrase “awareness being aware of itself” from a lot of spiritual teachers before, but experiencing it was very strange. It was a feeling of an undeniable presence. Imagine that you suddenly recognized a big elephant in your room, a massive presence that is just there. For the first time, I understood what the books and lectures from Alan Watts were all about, even though I had listened to them dozens of times before.

painful truth

With this realization came the recognition, of all the things that I have disowned and denied about myself. It showed me that I completely lost touch with my authentic self. It showed me all the lies I have told to the people I love and how disconnected I am from my family. I thought about my 10 year old brother who is living with my single parent mother and I saw how his childhood is similar to mine. That made me cry for a long time, because I do not want him to suffer as much as I did.

Pandora's box

Before this trip, I did not even know how much I was suffering, how much shit there was in my psyche and how depressed I was. I expected the trip to be a spiritual rainbows and butterflys experience but instead, it opened pandora's box. It showed me how much work there is to do for me before I can even begin to think about existential questions.

What I learned

- I need to do a ton of basic emotional & psychological stuff

- I need to take more responsibility and be a better older brother

- integration can be a long process (some of the things above, I only started to understand several months after the trip and after reading more literature)

 

One year later

Looking back on this trip after one year, I still have periodic phases of depression, anxiety and isolation, even though it is now better then one year ago. Microdosing helped with that. My relationship with family is only a tiny bit better. I have a really good relationship with my brother now, at least I got that part handled. It is a great motivation for me to continiue this path and work on myself so I can be a better role model for him. I did a few psychedelic sessions in the last months, I did not become aware of awareness again, but rather had more psychotherapeutic trips. I stopped watching most of Leo's videos a few months ago, because they are way to advanced for me. My focus right now is to do more psychedelic sessions with the intent to work on releasing stored emotions, energy, trauma, and behaviour patterns. 

Question

It can be a little bit frustrating to learn about spirituality and enlightnement for 1-2 years only to find out, that your psyche is to undeveloped for this game, especially  when a psychedelic trip showes it in your face. Do you have similar experiences?

[Leo Gura]

@Mihael Keehl Sounds like you're on the right track. Keep doing that and soon you'll be ready for deep metaphysical epiphanies.

The emotional work is all part of this same path.

Be patient, pace yourself, this is a marathon not a sprint. It's all good.