Seeking my authentic self

[Scholar]

It seems like I am living in hypocrisy. I know that the right thing to do is to surrender to the aid of those who need it the most. I know that it is what I have the greatest passion for, yet I show no true effort to go towards that reality. What is the point of enjoying life when there is incomprehensible suffering in this world? It is not even true joy that I am experiencing, it is superficial and momentary happiness. It does not give me anything, it does not add anything to my soul, nor my character, nor to what I deem to be right.

Why am I not able to live consistent with my philosophy? If I was the one to suffer, I would urge myself to give up this fleeting happiness in the aid of myself. And I know that either way the surrender of my self is my ultimate destination. I know that the greater the concern for my self, the greater will be my suffering. How do I take the step to live one with what I deem to be the only moral thing to do? I truly do not see the point of continuing the path I am treading on, not rationally, not intuitively, not emotionally. I can continue living a superficial life amongst superficial people, creating superficial tools for superficial purposes. But what is the point, other than to preserve myself in a way that seems to be comfortable, but yet grows more unbearable each day?

If I were consistent with my beliefs, I would follow the suffering of those who need it the most, those who are neglected and those who nobody else is willing to stand for. I would learn to give love unconditionally, I would actually live a life worth living. I know that this is the best thing to do, why do I still resist?

The comfort cannot be a good reason, and yet it is the only one I can find.

 

I have to remind myself of the suffering that is experienced. I am not yet ready for awakening, not before I have not resolved this inconsistency. I have to restructure my life and my character, I have to commit to radical change and I need to be strategic about it so that I have a chance of achieving it. I have always known that this was what I had to do, though it has taken so long for me to consider it a serious possibility.

I have to rid myself of all pride, of all desire to find approval. This cannot be for glory, for money or fame, it has to be for nothing else but compassion. I have to be able to sacrifice everything in order to achieve what is my true authentic desire. If I do this, I will find fulfillment and peace. It does not have to be grand, it simply has to be the best and most honest effort I can do. What is even the point of this continuous struggle? Concern after concern about myself, instead of a surrendering to the servitude of god. This is what the world needs the most now, true sacrifice for the greater good. I know it will be the path to true joy, yet I also know it will be the most difficult thing I could possibly do.

 

For now, I at least have to give a good effort to start trying.

[DrewNows]

This quote came to mind while reading this: 

“I Wanted to Change the World

 

When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world.

 

I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation.

 

When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn't change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family.

 

Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family. My family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.”

Author: unknown monk around 1100 AD

For me, self love has proven to be the biggest game changer 

 

 

Edited April 11, 2019 by DrewNows