Pursuing spirituality from Egoic perspective, but Ego its still the same.

[Javfly33]

Sorry for the title, I really don´t know how to explain this:

 

Recently I´ve been having a lot of progress in my spiritual practice. In the last month, there have been days that I have been able to be consciouss of something bigger than me during the whole day. This days, although not totally effortless, they have been very freeing, although also scary and a lot of doubts arise about free will that it seem my ego can´t seem to let go. Any way, I´m not giving too much importance to this.

The fact is, I pursue sprituality to avoid suffering, and hopefully to my ego escape from its own traps! (quite a mindfuck). The problem is, while I have been developing my consciousness, my habits don´t seem to change. I still get emotional or angry etc at certain people or cetain triggers, I still some addictions that doesn´t seem to get better despite something in me feeling more lighter and free than ever.  Something I have experienced during my two awakening self-inquiry experiences it´s that once the "something-bigger" doesn´t attach anymore to the person, the person tries to make movement, or shouting, or whatever, in order to the "being" to attach again to the person. But if the presence keep remaining in its place, then the person stops and just give up. That have made me think that, since I can´t seem to break an addiction, maybe just not attaching to myself in thoughts that are related to addiction, fear of losing control etc...would EVENTUALLY make the habit/addiction of the person ALSO TO STOP. But this is tremendously risky and scary, and I don´t know if this bullshit or could be the light to keep going.

I hope i have explained myself well.

In a nutshell: Should I step back from sprituality and acceptance, and try again self-improving from ego perspective (things that I haven´t been able to improve from the ego, so why no would be different i think) or I should just "go all the way". The first seem responsible, the latter risky. 

Edited March 26, 2019 by Javfly33

[Jkris]

@Javfly33 I am unable to understand what u want. Except you want to get rid of addiction. 

To get rid of addiction say smoking is your addiction. 

First have a strong will that you won't smoke. Next the moment the craving urge to smoke comes be mindful try to be concious of the craving. Give your full attention on the craving. You will find the craving disappearing. But it doesn't mean the craving will not appear later. Repeat the process till you have come out of addiction. 

Anger i don't know.