My meditation journal

[Thittato]

Wow. What a weekend that was. So profound! I was invited, when we were closing the weekend, to play guitar and sing a song in front of 20 people. This time it was really successful. I was able to put all pride aside and just be vulnerable. Mye voice has never felt so deep, soft and honest before. Many women gave me compliments for my performance when we hugged and said good bye for the weekend. One woman said: "Music really reveals who you are!" Before when I have been doing a performance like that I have pretended to be something, but this time I was really relaxed and authentic. This is also a result of going to the guitar-teacher that I see frequently now. It gives me more confidence to play in front of people. My hands are well-exercised and ready to perform at any moment.

It also feels like I'm less spellbound by this woman. In this energy that I'm in now maybe I can relate to her in a more normal and relaxed way. Authentic.

I think my center of gravity has dropped down a few notches. My energy is less sparkly and nervous in the head, and more anchorded in my hipps.

Some women has also been saying that I have a boyish energy. That is because my center of gravity is too high up I think. And that is one reason I fail to fully attract the women I fall in love with. I become scared and boyish in my energy. Like asking for permission to hang out around mommy. And even though they deeply appriciate my company, and we end up becoming best friends deep soul mates, my energy is not masculine enough to fully attract them.

Wow, this is brutally honest.

But it feels really good to understand this issue better.

I'm very satisfied with my life. Everything is really good, except for the fact that I'm not dating. I have a long, long break from that side of life. Just chilling. I've dated enough and had enough experiences with sex, girlfriends, falling in love, falling in love with someone who loves you back but you end up triggering each other issues and the relationship becomes co-dependent and destructive in the end, falling in love with someone who doesn't love you back and only want you as a friend, a female friend falls in love with you and becomes frustrated because you don't sleep with her but stays so emotionally and physically close and this ends up in drama, etc etc. I've experienced all of it. The good and the exciting things, and the painful and dramatic things. So that was enough for my taste of all of that.

Now I only want to chill and love myself and have fun. And if I meet someone else in that energy that would be cool.

But obviously I still have some issues that are getting trigged when I get a crush on someone.

So that is what I need to work through.

And it all boils down to self-love.

Gosh we did so much fun this weekend. Singing mantras together, dancing, sharing emotional stuff, getting coached and supported by the one who was holding the space, eating nice food, hugging, laughing, enjoying nature, developing deeper friendships and family bonds within the spiritual family.

I was also really able for the first time to accept the space-holder as a leader. He is my older brother. I can learn a lot from him. There has been some tension between us, especially when we were in Brazil together. But now it completely dissolved. It was just love and friendship now.

What an amazing community. I want to build my life around this type of life now. I'll start gradually. I only need to plan one ceremony ahead in time. One after the other. And good space in-between for integration and maintaining balance in my normal life. With this approach I will be able to find a good rythm.

This is what I want to devote myself too.

I've even found a Santo Daime guitar-teacher now from Brazil that will teach me online on video-chat this particular style of guitar-playing, along with teaching me how to play and sing the traditional hymns. This will also incluce learning portuguese as I'm also studying on DuoLingo. DuLingo together with learning and singing the hymns is perfect. I will also listen a lot to the hymns from now on just to get used to listing to portuguese. I can already feel that it is getting more and more familiar and that I'm able to pick out a few familar words here and there and understanding the broader context of what the text is about but with the details being blurry.

I'm going to fully immerse myself in this tradition in a relaxed and fun and loving way. This is my passion.

I think I want to just give myself over to this process and trust that lives takes me where I'm meant to be taken.

The music gives me focus and discipline, too. So that I can concentrate my energies around something. It is very therapeutic.

Life is meant to be beautiful, and art is supposed to flow. I feel like we are all here to create beauty together. That is what evolution is. But we also need to help each other heal from suffering on the way. We are here to heal and grow.

Edited January 30, 2023 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min meditation yesterday, and today. Still a lot of process going on, but it helps a lot to meditate. Funny how this Brazil trip turned my life upside-down. I just got to land all these processes, and then I will have to see whether I need to re-arrange my life in one way or another to accomodate more for this type of Path, or if I land more back into my purpose here in my home-town.

[Thittato]

Wow. What sense of power and purpose that meditation gives me. So much more fun to be at my job. So much more fun to work with my art when back home. Let me just continue to ride out these storms together with the help of meditation. I need it to come into my full power <3

The only cure I need right now is the healing power that comes from meditation. All the practice I have been doing in Brazil is fuel for mye meditation practice to take off. So I better just continue to meditate in order to integrate and make use of all these impressions and experiences.

Even though I fall out of my meditation practice again and again these days, even just two days of meditation is enough to push me through the cycle into full release and peace and acceptence of my situation and phase in life.

With meditation the whole Brazil trip will be integrated into my life as something very successful. I went over there to gain a lot of inspiration and fuel for my purpose in life, which I found.

I'm just so damn hurt at the same time, haha...... Some childhood wounds have been teared open. But meditation will help me heal that. I'm ready to hold space for myself now with peace, understanding, compassion, patience and warmth. My meditation practice is working. I've been doing this practice for a long time now.

Edited February 3, 2023 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min meditation this morning as well. So good. Time was flying, wish I could sit longer, but I have to go to work.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice :-)

[Thittato]

Even though I have all this process going I'm really keeping it up with my guitar-playing. Guitar-playing plus 45 min of meditation per day is my practice and structure these days, and one lesson in portuguese on DuoLingo per day. Next to that I'm going to start working on the portuguese hymns soon. Learn to play them on guitar while I sing them. So there is a lot of really good stuff going on, too. And with meditation I get what I need to process and transform the challenging feelings. So in one way I think my old identiy died, and now something new is born, and it is a bit of a painful birth, but I will just have to trust the process, and devote myself to it, and with meditation everything becomes more smooth <3

Edited February 5, 2023 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Wow. So good, and so necessary. I'm still going through a lot of process. Really helps to meditate and breathe deeply into it and let it move around in my body. Meditation really stimulates the flow to get it moving around a bit more, and to open up more spaces for it to flow.

[Thittato]

No meditation today. I'm a wreck. My heart is broken. I tried to call this woman I fell in love with in Brazil. It was strange. We spoke for 4 min but she was busy with her daugther on the beach. I suggested we hang out on video-chat one day, but she didn't understand the question and dodged it. So I sent her a message asking specifically and saying that it was so special to meet her in that Sao Miguel ceremony. She didn't answer, but then she posted a story on her instagram with a picture of a t-shirt that said she wanted a man that messed up her lipstick and not her mascara. I gave a like, and then she liked a picture I had posted 6 days ago. I went crazy and wrote her a long love-letter. Yeah, I know, stupid. She didn't answer this either, but she added me on WhatsApp, and sent me a video of the beach she had been on (which she said she would send in the phone-call). I replied with sending a video from a mountain-top here with a view over the fjord I live in. She replied saying it was beautiful and that my walk seemed very nice. Then I wrote some more, sending a picture from the cabin I had been jamming with my friend in that evening, and asking if she would sing that song to me that she had shared in her story a few days ago and that I would sing her a song back if she did. But she hasn't even looked on this message yet, and it is 1 week ago that I wrote it. I think initially she was feeling some opening towards me because of my proclamation of love towards her so she added me on WhatsApp to see where this would lead, but then she probably got cold feet because it was getting serious waaaaay too fast. So it feels like I won't hear from her again. Gosh, I know so well this is not the way to do it, but I just couldn't help myself. So now I have messed it up completely, and I think she has no choice but to reject me. So Brazil really broke my heart. And now I just have to mourn this all out. But I guess the process between these two Sao Miguel ceremonies. The one where I met her in Brazil 19th of January, and the one in Europe 28th of January where I found the courage to contact her has been a process that is now finding its conclusion. So this is better than in-action. But still my actions where terrible. But at the very least I was forcing a conclusion to this chapter. And now I just have to go through the process of heart-break. My whole identity has been building up something around this whole Brazil-adventure and her, she became the feminine symbol of Brazil for me. So this identity is now dying, and I have to mourn. And something new will be born out of this.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation yesterday, and 15 min today. Yesterday was a really horrible day. Oh my gosh. But in the evening I was singing mantras with a buddy, and then we listened to the recordings of the bhajan we held together on sunday. We were 5 people playing instruments and 10 more people singing. I have to say we were pretty impressed by the recordings. They were very powerful to listen to. After this we did an immersion just lying down listening to soothing music, and I was starting to feel better, and today I feels like I'm a little bit more over this woman. There has been this huuuuge cultural shock coming back home again mixed together with this heart-break, so the whole thing has been pretty rough. It is not so fun to literally work in a mad-house when going through stuff like this, but it feels like I'm landing a bit more. I think I'm ready to fall in love with my own life again. And fortunatelly my own life is something that is worth falling in love with because I have been working on my own goals through-out this whole process. Usually my pattern is that I build myself up from some sort of crash, then I get into flow in my life, then I attract a woman, then I become obsessed and loose my flow, a long down-period where everything sucks, then after a long time I build up the flow again, but it seems like this time I've been really consistent about working in my own goals through-out this process, so there is a new stability going on that can handle even heart-break. It is thanks to my guitar. I can play when I'm happy, and it helps, I can play when I'm sad and it helps. It is the perfect catalysator for whatever I'm going through. And now spring is just around the corner, and every day is getting lighter and lighter. Wow, haha, this was a damn harsh winter. Haha.

Edited February 15, 2023 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. I'm swinging in and out of my meditation practice these days, but it is very valuable when I swing into it. Maybe I'm just regulating the exposure I can handle regarding what I have the capacity to sit in silance and breathe with since there are so many things going on. Before going to Brazil I thought I was in a very good place in my life, but obviously as soon as I get a crush on someone pretty enourmous amounts of shame and lack of self-worth gets triggered, so I have to find a solution to this. I have started seeing my therapist again, and perhaps she has the necessary tools to help me get to the roots of this. I will try for now and see if what she is offering is enough for this problem. Obviously I cannot isolate myself from intimate relationships for forever, and this situation seems to repeat itself again and again, so I will have to get to the roots of this problem, and I think in the end I will just view this whole experience as a blessing that helped me point out what I need to work with.

[Thittato]

Holy moly this issue was triggered really hard. This must be like my core wound or something. I guess it took some time to accept that I no longer feel as whole and complete as I did before I went to Brazil. This issue was not active at that point, and I managed to isolate myself from women, and just do my own thing, and feel really good about life. But then this issue was lying there dormant, and it really blew up in my face again. So now I just have to catch up with the realities of what is going on, and find a good way to heal this issue.

[Thittato]

MahaShivratri

So this weekend there has been MahaShivratri celebrations all over the world. The main-event was yesterday, but our bhajan-group continued the celebration today (sunday). We were 6 musicians during this bhajan, and 15 who joined in with singing and dancing. Last sunday I was feeling such a great flow playing guitar in a bhajan, but I had been practicing all the songs one whole evening together with the group before the official bhajan. This time we started practicing the songs only 1 hour before the official event and I didn't quite feel I had nailed them, so this triggered an insecurity out of another dimension. Holy moly. Fortunately I was not the main-guitarist, I was just the support, so I could hide a bit in the huge soundscape, and I think I was having some good flow sessions here and there where I really contributed, and when I was not in flow I turned the volume down in order to not stand out with something that was not meant to take up much space, but all this time I was just really deep in my own head and not really connected with the atmosphere in the room. I had to ask people afterwards how the vibe had been, and everybody said the vibe had been really amazing, and then we mingled and had fun and whatever I had been going through was getting released and I became really high, and now I feel completely free and open again. It even feels like I'm released from the obsession with this woman (but it could come back - these things often comes and goes in waves). Well, anyways, so I told my friends I must have been going through some heavy Shiva-cleansing, and we all laughed. So maybe the symbolic meaning of Lord Shiva, The Lord of Destruction, and the power of this type of mantra-prayer actually made me able to destroy my old identity with Brazil and this woman, and now something new is ready to be born. Whether or not there will be more rounds of this process I think tonight was a powerful push towards completing this cycle of whatever this is. Amazing to feel so open and free again. So I've been working night-shifts the whole weekend, and this shift I'm in right now, oh my god what a flow. So good to feel at home and in flow with my co-workers and my tasks, and suddenly everything feels right again.

Edited February 20, 2023 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min meditation this morning. Very nice meditation. On monday I had a really awesome session with my therapist. Basically we were almost just celebrating the fact the it seems like I have come full cycle with this whole Brazil-adventure and this crush on this woman over there. It seems like my heart is free again, and that I'm able to enjoy my life here in my home-town again. Holy fuck that was a brutal round of something haha. Some kind of "lost paradise" theme going on. I was soooo merging into Brazil and this ashram with my whole being and identity. Coming back home to winter in northern europe after all this sun, love and openness was really brutal. The couple who runs this ashram very much has this spiritual mother and father theme going on, and I was bonding very strongly with them and whole community, and on top of that this woman I met who I had developed a brutal crush on answered me and gave me her phone-number and wanted to meet the day I was leaving when I thought she had rejected me, so I was leaving with a heart-break that only got worse and it took 1,5 month before I was able to reply to her, and when I finally had the guts to call her I really started to screw it up, and now I have alienated her, and probably it wasn't meant to be, but it was damn brutal. She is still in my system, but it doesn't bring me pain to think about her anymore. My heart feels free again. Well, anyways, there was something very fun about feeling all these strong emotions again.

Edited February 22, 2023 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Very nice. Peace is returning to my heart. Still some cycles of everything I've been going through lately, but they are not as strong as they used to be. Feels like I'm at the tail-end of it all. Holy moly.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Very nice meditation. Good momentum going.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Just opening up to everything I'm feeling and experiencing and trying to create a space of acceptence and surrender. Very nice.

[Thittato]

Another session of 45 min meditation today. So nice.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Very nice. I feel like it is time to get out of these stories in the mind, and into the actual sensory experience of meditation in the present moment.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. The momentum is increasing, and the meditation is getting more and more focused again. There is a very nice relief that comes in meditation when the experience is that whatever kind of emotional stress arrises can just be met with "oh, I can just feel into it."

Edited March 3, 2023 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min meditation this morning, too. So nice. I'm feeling like I'm back on the right track. Something very powerful happens in terms of increased well-being, centerdness, and focus, when I keep the momentum going in my meditation-practice.

Edited March 3, 2023 by Thittato