My meditation journal

[Thittato]

5 rounds of Wim Hof breathing today, then a session of weight-lifting, and then 2 min in the cold shower. 2 min actually starts to feel pretty substantial.

[Thittato]

26th session of winter-bathing this season

So before I'm going to bed for this day (it is early in the morning now, I'm staying up the whole night to prepare myself for working night-shift) I felt like going down to the beach and do a bath to round off this day. So nice. My mind becomes much more still when doing the cold exposure as a bath compared to doing it in the shower. But it is really nice getting extensive experience with both cold showers and cold baths. They complement each other really well.

[Thittato]

4 rounds of Wim Hof breathing today, and then 2 min in the cold shower. Love this practice. Only 3 days left of this 20 day cold shower challenge. Wonder what I will do next. I’m toying with the idea of squeezing in 10 winter baths in total in February as well. I’ve only had 4 so far. I had 10 winter baths in December, 12 in January, and for February I switched over to this cold shower challenge, but would have been awesome to complete both this 20 day cold shower challenge and 10 winter-baths in February. I started doing the Wim Hof breathing daily from 11th of January, so this whole Wim Hof exerience got pretty substantial this winter, and if I round it off with also getting in some good winter baths her at the end of February, well, that would be something. I will see how my stamina feels in the coming days. 

[Thittato]

27th session of winter-bathing this season

OK, it is fucking ON!

2 min cold shower in the morning, and then in the evening 4 rounds of Wim Hof breathing before going down to the sea to do my bath.

I commit to my goal of completing simultanously 10 sessions of winter-bathing along with the 20 day cold shower challenge all within February. Only 5 more winter-baths to go. And only two 2 min cold showers left before I have completed the 20 day cold shower challenge.

I will also continue to do the Wim Hof breathing, at least 3 rounds every day, for the rest of this month, as I have been doing since 11th of January.

10 winter baths in December, 12 in January, and now this to really round off what has been a really inspiring study of the Wim Hof method this winter.

Edited February 23, 2021 by Thittato

[Thittato]

28th session of winter-bathing this season and completion of the 20 day cold shower challenge (plus getting the Covid-19 vaccine).

Yesterday: 5 rounds of Wim Hof breathing and 2 min in the cold shower.

Today: 6 rounds of Wim Hof breathing, then I went down to the sea to do my winter-bath, came home and took a long and nice warm shower, and then I ended that shower with a 2 min cold shower.

So now the 20 day cold shower challenge is finished, and I only got 4 more winter-baths to complete in order to do those 10 winter-baths in February as well together with this 20 day cold shower challenge.

I was getting the corona-vaccine on monday, and thas was pretty rough, on tuesday I was getting fever, headaches, feeling nauseous etc, and today (thursday) I still have a headache and I feel a bit clogged up in my head but starting to feel almost back to normal again, so I didn't feel like doing any cold exposure on tuesday, and yesterday it took a while before I was getting my motivation back to get into the cold shower, so I was wondering if I was going to make that commitment I was making in my last post which I wrote in the evening the same day I took the vaccine but before the side-effects started to kick in. I was a bit shocking how rough this vaccine was. It was like a mild flu. I wasn't sure whether it was a good idea either to keep up this Wim Hof practice while my body was working with this vaccine either, but I figured since I've been doing cold-exposure for almost 3 months now that is my normal state so my body is already adjusted to being in this cold exposure process so the only new thing was the vaccine, so when the fever was gone again on wednesday I felt like keeping up the cold exposure again.

But this means, in order to complete this goal of doing 10 winter baths in February I will have to do two winter-baths in one day, but that should be fine, especially now that the cold shower challenge is out of the way.

I'm still a bit shocked how this vaccine managed to threw me out of this really good flow I was in, but I believe in the official version of this pandemic, and I believe the vaccines are a really good thing, and I would much rather have the expected side-effects of the vaccine than getting the real thing which could potenially lead to all sorts of nasty side effects. Although, I'm pretty sure my body would have been able to handle Covid-19 pretty well too, especially since I've been focusing so much on the Wim Hof method this winter. But at least now I feel safer than I would have without the vaccine, and I'm glad I just went and did it instead of spinning around in doubt forever, and it feels good to be willing to take that risk and contribute to getting this thing under control.

[Thittato]

29th session of winter bathing this season

Started the morning by walking down to the beach to bath, then I came home, did a warm shower, and then did 3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing. Not feeling strange anymore after the vaccine. Gosh, that was three days of feeling strange and halfway sick that started the day after I got the vaccine. Fortunately with this vaccine, Astrazeneca, the strongest reaction is usually after the first dose, so I expect the second dose to give a much lighter reaction. I also read in the news today that many people are surprised the vaccine gives such a harsh reaction. Well, that surprise certainly came to me as well.

Interesting for this whole winter has been about this winter bathing project. This summer my project was to do vipassana meditation for 45 min per day. I like having projects like these for the various seasons. I wonder if a specific project for spring will become apparent. I also wonder at what extent I will keep up my Wim Hof practice as the weather gets warmer. After last winter it eventually died out until this next winter came. Maybe it is like a seasonal thing for me. Or maybe I will continue with the cold showers and the breathing technique. Let us see.

[Thittato]

30th session of winter bathing this season

So I did a second bath today. Me and a friend went down to the beach together. So nice. The sun is shining, and it feels like early spring and people looks happy. It was extremly good to come up from the cold water into the sun and the spring-like atmosphere. Didn't need to put my clothes back on immediately. Usually I take a warm shower when I come home, but this time I'm skipping it. It is nice to just prolong the experience by letting the body warm up in room-temperature.

[Thittato]

31st session of winter bathing this season

3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing this morning, and then I walked down to the beach to do my bath. So awesome. I have started to swim some more now instead of just standing still submerged in the water. It is a nice variation. Met a group of old ladies today as well down there who where also bathing. Pretty fun to encounter some fellow winter bathers. In a couple of hours I will go down there again with my friend for a second bath. Looks like the sun will be shining by then. Now I'm wondering if I will just continue to bath throughout the whole spring. I mean I only live a few 100 meters from the beach. It is pretty awesome. It feels like it is becoming less and less of a mental and emotional investment. This winter I have really succeeded about getting the quantity up. Last winter my pattern of getting extremly enthusiastic about something and then milking it too hard and getting disgusted by it was still dominating, and it prevented me from getting the full benefits out of it and making into an integrated thing, but now there is much less fuzz, although I am writing about it here every day hehe...... :-P

Edited February 27, 2021 by Thittato

[Thittato]

32nd session of winter bathing this season

Ok, challenge completed, and winter-season finished! Best winter so far in my life!

December: 10 winter baths

January: 12 winter baths

February: 10 winter baths + the 20 day cold shower challenge starting with 1 min and 15 sec showers and building up to 2 min cold showers for the last 5 days.

Plus I've done at least 3 rounds of the Wim Hof breathing technique every day since 11th of January (except for one day where I was a bit knocked out because of the Corona-vaccine).

[Thittato]

33rd session of winter bathing this season

3 rounds of Wim Hof breathing and then I went down to the beach to bathe. Swam for a longer distance today. It was super-awesome. We met a group yesterday who does winter bathing together every sunday at 14:00 (and other times as well). Today we were over 20 people and the atmosphere was extremly good. Felt like summer, almost. They were playing the Baywatch song before we all went down into the water, hahha....... It felt like a party. Nice way to kick of the last day of the last Winter-month.

Now I’m wondering about whether I should continue with the Wim Hof method, or if I should just go back to my regular vipassana meditation practice.

In a way this 3 month project has been perfect, and maybe I’ve gotten my dose of Wim Hof for now, but on the other hand the results on my mental well-being has been so awesome, so why not just continue?

I’ll let it sink in for a bit before I decide on anything.

[Thittato]

30 min meditation today. Surrendering into vulnerability and humility.

[Thittato]

One more month without alcohol

30 min meditation today as well. Surrendering into vulnerability. Interesting how some vulnerable material came up as soon as I reached my winter-bathing goal and took a break from the Wim Hof method. I have not decided yet whether it is a longer or shorter break. It has been a really awesome winter, and a really great cleansing, but I somehow suspect that by using that method I manipulate my physiology so that I get into a very awesome state, but I also think I loose touch with my vulnerability. Like I bypass it. So whether I go back to it or not, at least I'm going to spend some days to feel through whatever needs to be felt. Isn't it always like this? One pump oneself up to reach a goal, and when that goal is reached there is a sense of accomplishment, but also very often an anti-climax. Like what now?

Before New Years Eve I decided that January was going to be a detox month. I still drink too much alcohol. I think I'm in the danger-zone of becoming an alcoholic. It is not that I usually become insanely drunk, but I just love the whole culture of alcohol too much. Like I drink 3 or 4 times a week, and I bond with a lot of others who have the same drinking-patterns as me, and we seem to enable one another, and it seems like the ones I bond the most with are also the ones who seems to have a drinking habit which is potentially escalating. I would say that we are pretty cultured, but that just makes the alcoholism in it harder to detect. So I figured I needed a dry January. Ice bathing and the Wim Hof method helped tremendously with this. So I was so inspired I prolonged it to last for February as well. And now I'm doing March without alcohol as well.

So I'm thinking that in order to quit the alcohol I needed something else to replace it with, so I became pretty gung-ho about ice-bathing. So probably I'm now facing some of the vulnerability that was bypassed by that gung-ho-ness. But the whole Wim Hof experience was a pretty awesome cleansing, but I think I'll return back to my normal vipassana meditation now.

Edited March 2, 2021 by Thittato

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today. Dealing with some vulnerable material still. Experiencing resistance towards these feelings, and then still trying to surrender into it. There is always a sense of power that comes when the resistance dissolves and I merge with what I resist. Didn't fully happen today, or yet, but it partially happened, but maybe I get closer to it through reflection on this process as part of the after-process. This is one of the things I find the most interesting about meditation - how things we would normally like to avoid can actually become fuel for the meditation. Burning emotional pain can through meditation become transmuted into burning passion and power.

Another interesting thing about this after-process - Even though I didn't get all the way through into the experience of merging in todays session, there is something about setting that intention, and working towards that experience, that puts things into motion, so that my body/mind complex will continue to work through this experience as I go about my day.

[Thittato]

Gosh. This is how long it took before what I wrote in the last post moved into release. 11-12 hours.  Energy is open and flowing in my whole body, and there is activity in my heart- and 3rd eye chakra. Interesting this dance between contraction and expansion that keeps going on. I want to start to write more about meditation. Like make some kind of summary of what my understanding of this process is so far.

[Thittato]

30 min meditation today. A combination of stillness, peace of mind, and at the same time sadness.

[Thittato]

30 min meditation today. More peace and groundedness. My mind getting quite still, but at the same time there is an undertone of sadness going on. Not overwhelming sadness, pretty mild. I'll try to enjoy it. Like in a poetic way.

My theme these days is still going beyond my obsessions/fixations. I still have this narcissistic false self thing that wants to create an identity out something, like "I'm an ice-bather," or "I'm a guitarist, " or "I'm a yogi, or "I'm a chess-player."

After I landed from completing this ice-bathing adventure, it was pretty obvious that this has happened once again, like getting really pumped up about being on this new and exciting path. I have to say it was really good, though, especially since it was very helpful in quitting alcohol. BUT there are still some pockets left of shame and grief that I seek to escape by going into these manic obsessions, so I'm still working on seeing through these defense-mechanisms in order to really empty out all that I have left of shame and grief. I also have to say that the charge of what is left doesn't feel so strong these days, and I also feel a lot of self-love here and there, so it seems I'm well on my way in emptying out the shame and instead filling myself up with self-love. Probably quitting the alcohol was very necessary in order to complete this work. Not only does the alcohol in itself work as a very destructive filler for this lack of self-love, but I think it also, in a chemical way, feeds my tendencies towards mania.

The difference between self-love, and what I usually try to compensate for the lack of self-love, is that I seek various forms of entertaintment and stimuli instead. Like if I can get really excited and stimulated about something cool and awesome going on in my life, that will make me feel filled up for some time, and when it fades, I'll try to find something else to get stimulated by.

Self-love, I think, is not necessarily so exciting and stimulating. It is a more warm and peaceful kind of feeling. LIke I'm good enough as I am. No need to be so hyped up about everything all the time. Life is as it is.

[Thittato]

30 min meditation today. Nice sit. Felt like I was much more into surrender now, and there was less resistance. Life is as it is.

[Thittato]

34th cold-bath this season

When I woke up from having worked night-shift tonight, I did 10 sun salutations before I went to rollerblade with my friends. The rollerblading-session was so awesome that when I came home I was super-inspired so I did 20 min with vinyasa flow yoga to round off the rollerblading-session, and then, I even needed something more to really round off the day, so I went down to beach and did a cold bath, and now I just came out of a really long and warm shower, and I feel really relaxed and fulfilled. Life is good. Interesting how I have been so pessimistic about the pandemic and everything lately, thinking life isn't fun anymore, and then *BOOM* I'm having like the most awesome and flowing rollerblading-session ever today. It has been a year since I took up rollerblading again, and I've been doing it pretty consistently, and things are really starting to flow now. Interesting that there are improvements every session that I do. I really love this transition from feeling like a clumsy and insecure beginner to gradually seeing my confidence and sense of flow starting to grow more and more. It is such a big deal in the beginning, and then suddenly it isn't a big deal anymore.

[Thittato]

35th cold-bath this season

The temperature is below zero Celcius again, and there is slush on the water. Yesterday I was so inspired by rollerblading. Like, things just clicked yesterday. I was getting into such a flow-state. And now I don't feel like I have to get anywhere with my rollerblading anymore. I feel secure about the platform that I have achieved. I know enough tricks to feel confident that things will just continue to naturally unfold in whatever pace is natural for me, and I can totally enjoy it right here right now without worrying about getting anywhere. Maybe this flow state comes when I don't feel stuck in a rut, but I'm satisfied with where I am because the creative potential is open and available to continue to naturally grow. Everytime I have rollerbladed lately I've learned new things. Well, so anyways. I sometimes feel that I'm without purpose and direction, and I'm just jumping around like a kid from one hobby to the next, but then when I get into these flow-states that all my cool hobbies tend to trigger, everything feel so totally right about my life. And today the same thing happened. This was just amazing. I have this friend from a long time back when I studied to become a social worker, and for one year now she has been posting videos on facebook of herself out flying in her own small little airplane. It is fucking amazing. So I wrote her half a year ago: "Hey, that flying of yours looks totally awesome, can I join you?" and she replied: "Sure!" and I just answered: "Cool!!" But then we just left it at that. But when I woke up this morning I woke up to a message from her which said: "Fly?" and then an hour later we were out flying. I haven't seen her in almost 10 years. Turned out she and her husband had bought a plane together, and both have the flying certificate. It was so much fun, and I was live-streaming 5 minutes of it on facebook sharing my pure joy, and so many were getting a kick out it. I'm still very high from the whole experience, so I had to go take an ice-bath again tonight.

Sometimes I think life is about this for me, just getting as many cool flowing experiences as I can possibly get. Maybe this is what "follow your bliss" means to me. Seems like I'm following my bliss, even though it sometimes seems like without direction, but my life is very much about being a student of joy, creativity, bliss, fun and expansion. And I'm also having a very important job as a social worker, that is very much about being as social as I can possibly get, so whatever I do of cool activities outside of my job really helps me in my job.

[Thittato]

10 min walking meditation today as I was waiting for the bus. It was pretty nice.

Seems like I'm back in an in-between phase again, sort of de-compressing after that heavy Wim Hof focus I've had this whole winter. I'm not doing his breathing exercises anymore. But it was really nice to do some spontanous cold-baths again. After I reached my goal for cold exposure for February I was disgusted by the whole thing, and it took 8 days before I did cold exposure again, but then it was really nice again. I also had some vulnerable material coming up right after my February goals were finshed that now seems to be released for now. Interesting how I was pushing it so hard at the end of February with the cold exposure, and then I got disgusted by it at the same time as some new vulnerable material was released into my consciousness. Maybe instinctively I knew I was brewing on something that needed to be released so that there was this energetic charge that drove me to intensify my Wim Hof practice to really squeeze it out.

I have often thought about myself as very devoted to yoga and meditation, but maybe I'm just exactly enough devoted in order for what my being needs? Maybe my body just does what it needs to do, and I'm always trying to find the exactly right balance for getting it just right? This path is a strange paradox between effort and letting go. Maybe everybody does exactly what they need to do in any given moment given their predisposition?

This thing about letting go of control is really interesting. And also this buddhist notion of no-self. That there is nobody in charge here. It is just existence doing its natural thing.

Everything feels better when I just surrender into things as they are.

Sometimes I think maybe I'm the biggest fool of them all.

I've been striving so hard - having this notion that I was on this noble quest trying to get somewhere important. Maybe I was just panicking, not daring to trust life, believing I could somehow control the process.

Interesting with these teachings that claims that everything is always perfect, and that everybody are already enlightened. Reality is self-liberating. Hmmm..... I'm not usually an advocate of these types of teachings, but it is a perspective that can sometimes feel very right and accurate when I really ease into it. Anyways, it is just a perspective - sometimes helpful, sometimes not.