My meditation journal

[Thittato]

Gosh. I'm so much in process again. I've actually been working a bit with my gestalttherapist again. I've figured that when I'm hanging out with someone I really like my whole body goes into lockdown sort of, because of the trauma I experienced as a teenager when I experienced a very bad romantic situation for 4 years. Like both the romantic situation was really bad, but also the very insecure family situation I was in at this time which created a really bad platform for me to deal with these strong feelings I had for this girl. I guess it will take some work to untie this knot, but seems like we are facing it head on now.

[Thittato]

45 min today as well. I guess this still counts as saturday since I haven't gone to bed yet because I've been working night-shift. Slept the whole day - I was pretty exhausted - before I went to work, so I didn't sit, but I managed to sit now after night-shift. This huuuuuge wave of emotional turmoil I had going last time I wrote here got released at some point during the night-shift and now things feels really nice again. I might have to surf a few more waves of this, but it is really good to see that it gets released as quickly as it actually does. I think my gestalttherapist was putting a strong process into motion, so maybe I had some deep rooted karma released.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Really awesome sit. Soft, gentle, still, fresh and focused presence. Really soothing to my whole being ❤️?

[Thittato]

Also 3rd session of weight-lifting now as I came home from night-shift. And then warm shower ended with a cold shower. Pretty awesome. I think 3 sessions of weight-lifting per week is just right for me.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today as well. Woke up in a lot of grief and sorrow that I had to sit with in my meditation. Feels more clear now.

I was inspired by this poem:

 

 

Absolutely Clear by Shams al-din Hafiz

Don't surrender your loneliness
So quickly.
Let it cut more deep.

Let it ferment and season you
As few human
Or even divine ingredients can.

Something missing in my heart tonight
Has made my eyes so soft,
My voice
So tender,

My need of God
Absolutely
Clear.

 

 

 

There is obviously going to be some more waves of this. As soon as I experience some level of romantic bonding with a woman I open up some wounds that I normally don’t experience when I’m shieled off from that experience. It triggers a lot of other things - probably a lot of the loneliness I have grown up with that comes from the lack of being seen and understood by my parents. I thought I was more done with this than I was, but I will use my therapist to work through the remaining layers of what has been triggered. There is also still some self-love that is lacking that I need to work on.

[Thittato]

3 month project of 45 minutes of meditation per day completed.

So in order to finish off my 3 month project today, I did my routine, as usual, of 45 min meditation. After that I did my weight-lifting routine, and then I did a 20 min vinyasa flow yoga program. The yoga was sort of to celebrate the completion of the whole thing, and it felt so good to do some yoga again - it just open up the whole body in a way that only yoga can do.

As for what my next project will be I will just let that be open for some time to see what I naturally feel inclined towards. I do think I will need to move my body around some more for some days at least. There has been so much process going on lately, and when it is like that I usually get very much help from moving my body around more in some kind of movement practice then I get from sitting still in meditation, although I have to say the meditative approach I've been following for these last 3 months has been successful - now is just time to fill in with something more that I didn't get from sitting still.

Sometimes, when I experience very strong process, the most powerful thing that I can absolutely do is to meet it directly through sitting still in meditation. It can be very transformative. But yeah, there is a yearning towards more movement again now.

[Thittato]

45 min meditation yesterday, and today, first my weight-lifting routine, and then 45 min of meditation. So nice to do weight-lifting after I did a session of vinyasa flow yoga on monday again. Feels like yoga is increasing the stability and mobility I bring into weight-lifting. Meditation was very centered and nice both yesterday and today.

[Thittato]

20 min vinyasa flow yoga today. Feels really good. I'm so looking forward to see what this combination of yoga and weight-lifting will do for me. Perhaps one of the things I love the most about yoga is the increased sense of mobility. The body doesn't stiffen up and become stuck in a limited pattern. One is really exploring the full range of movement that the body has capacity for. Together with weight-lifting it is near perfect.

[Thittato]

Weight-lifting this morning, and then after that 30 min of meditation. Sitting with some grief and sadness today.

[Thittato]

20 min vinyasa flow yoga today. Getting back into the groove with yoga.

[LarryW]

On 31/08/2020 at 11:47 PM, Thittato said:

3 month project of 45 minutes of meditation per day completed.

awesome achievement  I've been following your progress and it's an inspiration for my own meditation practice, though I'm only aiming at 30 mins most days.  

[Thittato]

On 7.9.2020 at 10:34 PM, LarryW said:

awesome achievement  I've been following your progress and it's an inspiration for my own meditation practice, though I'm only aiming at 30 mins most days.  

Thank you! That is inspiring for me to hear as well. Positive feedback-loop ❤️?

[Thittato]

Yesterday I did weight-lifting and later I went for a 3 hour long walk in the forest.

Today I’ve only been home indulging in Chess all day. There was an energy running through me that needed some creative outlet somewhere, and I was just pouring it all into Chess. 61 games in total today. I don’t think I’ve ever played as many games as this in one day. At first I felt really bad about it, but then at some point I surrendered into it and decided that this day was just going to be all about Chess.

This whole process today sort of gained an esoteric conclusion when I won the last game with this symbolic Check-Mate:

[Thittato]

45 min meditation today, and then weight-lifting.

[Thittato]

Ok. New goal is to meditate 30 min every day for the rest of this month. A bit of decompression going on now after that 3 month project of meditating for 45 min per day was over at the end of last month, but now is the right time to test out if 30 min is the right amount for this period.

[Thittato]

30 min meditation today. This new routine feels good. Sort of like microdosing meditation hehe.

[Thittato]

30 min meditation today as well. I've been feeling a lot lately that my life just totally sucks. I'm just totally at the wrong place in life and there is no clear path towards getting to the right place. This is a theme that comes back again and again. Directionlessness. Purposelessness. I'm just living a very random life. Born in a troubled and chaotic household, and my life just perpetuates this chaos even though I've been seeking healing for 20 years.

But then the transformation occurs when I just go totally into these feelings and totally own them. Instead of feeling like a victim to this situation the suffering I experience related to these stories turn into thrill and pleasure. The resistance towards the sensations disappear and I go into and merge with the sensations, "becomes one with them." Pretty interesting. So for now, maybe I am exactly where I need to be, and my purpose is this transformation. Isn't this the whole human conditition of always thinking that the grass is always greener on the other side that we are trying to overcome through meditation?

[Thittato]

Also I'm very happy that I'm continuing with my daily practice. 45 min per day for 3 months was a bit rough, but now that I'm concentrating on doing 30 min per day that feels more manageble, and also I'm continuing to build on what I achieved during these 3 months. It didn't feel like much when I was getting into this "my life totally sucks" state, but now that I'm starting to burn through these layers of mind it feels like I have achieved a lot.

[Thittato]

Preparing for a solo ayahuasca-ceremony.

Finally I’ve gotten hold of some ayahuasca and I’m going to do a ceremony by myself in a few days and I’m starting to mentally prepare for it. I’ve done probably around 20 ceremonies within the Santo Daime tradition, and now I feel ready for doing it on my own. I will set a good intention for the journey. So far I think my intention will be to just go really deep. To just surrender into it as much as I can. Last time I did a ceremony two years ago I came into contact with some entities that seemed to do some astral work on my energy. I hope I can get into contact with them again. There is some extremly strong juiciness with ayahuasca. The fractals and geometric patterns behind closed eyelids can be pretty wild, and those patterns can feel so healing. When one is just allowing them to touch and ventilate all the little nooks and crannies of ones being. Maybe that will be my intention - to see how far into the fractals I can go. I will also work on letting go of fear. To just really allow the experience as totally as I can. And to open my heart. All these themes are connected I think. How deep can I allow the healing to touch me this time? It is the same thing I’m working with in meditation. This allowance. And to let my experience vibrate and flow. So this will be just like my meditation - just with an extra push from the medicine. I think my ability to just go into whatever hurts has really increased lately, so this I will bring with me into the journey. I will also explore this whole theme of purpose and calling in life. One of the reasons I’m returning to this plant is because I think it might have something to do with my purpose.

[Thittato]

30 min meditation today as well. I'm very enthusiastic about my upcomming solo ayahuasca ceremony. I'm making the program right now, and I'm preparing my home. My plan is to do 3 cups. Each cup lasts for approximately 2 to 2,5 hours. First cup is usually tuning in. Second cup is usually the most challenging one where one goes deepest. 3rd cup is the victorious one - usually one only dips a little bit down into the trauma, just to round off the exposure sort of, and then one goes into celebration and ecstacy. I'm going to make a program which fits well with these different phases. And then the program will also allow for some spontanitety and adjustments according to what my needs turns out to be. I have already experimentet quite a bit with having solo cacao ceremonies, so this will be a little bit of the same, just with a much more potent psychedelic. It feels like this is exactly what I need to do in order to move ahead with my life.