(Detailed) Profound spiritual experience during meditation on cannabis

[Igor82]

After a day of doing nothing, I did a very calming Kriya Yoga session, and then I proceeded to listen to a soundtrack with sounds that calm the mind, like rain, crickets and these gongs (you know what I mean). I went pretty deep into it but after 5 minutes I had this thought of smoking a bit of the newly acquired batch of weed (Strain: AK47). I felt a little fearful of doing it, but I had a subtle sense of intuition that this is gonna be worth it: EDIT: I only smoked  - at most - about a third of a gram of the weed using a pipe.

It was really mellow and my mindstate was pretty trippy, no visuals but my mind was a bit weird. I went back to the couch to meditate to the sounds coming from my headphones and I got deeper, to the depth that I usually get to when practicing Kriya(KP1).

Then I got the idea to push my fingers on my closed eye sockets so that I would maybe spawn some hallucinations, and so that happened, and then as soon as I saw some trippy patterns arise, I got this thought of taking off my headphones, but then fear arose, I was afraid to take off the headphones and face silence, because  I thought I would die (The dialogue in my brain was: "If I face the silence, I will die, I will die, I will die") .. my breath started getting faster and heavier, and my heart started beating faster and faster it all began when I thought of exposing myself to silence; but remembered just face that fact with understanding and compassion and I said "its okay, its okay if I die", and I went deeper and deeper into the breathing, but nothing too significant and scary. The fear was getting bigger and bigger but I kept surrendering and surrendering. The main fear was the fear of leaving myself behind, the fear of letting go of all thoughts.. I was fearful when trying to identify myself with everything - fear of letting go of the thought of "myself"). At one point the fear got more serious along with the breathing, this happened because I got the thought of being stuck in this, but then I remembered to let go of the worry, I let go of myself or the part of myself that was afraid to be stuck .. I surrendered that and kept going as the fear diminished.. I started to make sense of consciousness as a formless object or something formless, and because it's formless, it cant take on any forms, but formlessness itself is a form! So it cant be formless either... It must be all forms and be formless at the same time, and so a thought metaphor of this was that I saw a big, big object, that was getting surpassed by this object that was just as much bigger (relative to the already big object, stretching endlessly) I really felt the weight of that and got afraid, but I pushed through that fear as well, and I started imagining being all sorts of shapes of reality, being all humans, being all animals, (as I thought of being consciousness itself) and that frightened me, how big this thing really is! 

I tired not to cling to the experience and I tried to surrender as much as possible, but eventually the experience faded and I stopped breathing along with it fading away, but then I started having this energetic release were I moved and shaked certain parts of my body almost automatically, effortlessly, like it was happening by itself, I shook my arms, did certain shapes with them, bolted up my back, shaking my chest, spasming my legs, I especially felt this wave (like a paintbrush connecting to a canvas, it connected to my back, painting it with energy, but the energy was felt a bit under the skin) … note that all of this just happend but in a calm sense, there was some fear, yes, but other than the fear there was nothing hurting "me", during this, the observer was as still as a pond, untouchable. 

The energetic release didn't get too intense, and after a couple of minutes (Im not sure) it faded away. I kept on meditating, at some point triggering the breathing again for brief moments when stumbling upon some fearful thought, and eventually I got distracted and stopped meditating. It all took 1 hour total of sitting down (I calculated how long the recording of the meditation sounds has been playing).

I explored several of my fears, and these were very subtle, they came up as thoughts of that scenario happening, with fear attached to that scenario:

• Fear of my joy ending (the peak of the high) - fear of facing boredom (probably fear of emptiness, very subtle)
• Fear of not being productive, lead by the negative motivation that it will lead me to suffering.
• Im afraid of 1 day going by without me doing anything, (it indicates a willingness to quit the journey, which im afraid of)

 

I have a couple of questions about this experience:

1.  I have had similar experiences of breathing hard and heart pounding 2 times before this one, each time ending in a fade-away, and each of them induced by a certain thought coming up during one of my sits... What is this experience, what was happening?
2. What was that energetic release all about?      Sorry for the lack of my current knowledge.

Thank you for reading!  <3

Edited December 18, 2018 by Igor82