Daphnedenninghoff23

Unbound Journal..

4 posts in this topic

I have been on the road of Self-actualization for 5 years now. It is a bumpy road.

Fell into tons of traps and had to go steps back many times.

Every time I feel like I am becoming more conscious of the many limiting beliefs I hold about myself and the world.

Yesterday I came back from a 2-month vacation to Croatia. I learned a lot about myself there, since I spend some time away from work and people.

Throughout my life, I have become gradually more insecure and more negative about myself. I am very anxious, fearful, and don't take a lot of risks externally. 

Instead, my focus went very much to enlightenment. But as I was reading up on non-duality, I realized that I do not even have my normal life in order yet to do those things.

I started a new way of eating. It's called a Keto diet. So far it is making me feel really good in my skin and energized. 

I also had my first appointment at the psychologist today. I told her everything about my past. I never wanted to seek help from others, cause I am quite stubborn. I always want to fix it myself. But when I talked about it, I actually could tell that this could only be useful.

Currently, I am reading a book from the booklist of Leo that I bought. I really love his booklist. The book I am reading is called Psycho-Cybernetics. Normally I rush through books and then read another one. To distract me. But I will do it slowly this time and really take time to do the exercises in the books. 

One thing I am really interested in at the moment is the story behind people that are further along on the self-actualized journey. I am interested in how they think, how they behave and that got them to where they are right now. 

That's all I'll write for now,

XXX

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If the self-image is just a collection of thoughts, beliefs, memories, and feelings... 

Why do I believe so hopelessly that I am who I am?

Who thought me that I am this? My environment? My parents?

Why do I Identify with a self-image who is insecure and anxious?

Who decided to trust that this is me?

Is it the conclusion I got from my past experiences?

Does this mean that I am my past?

Who am I right now than? In this moment without my past? The past doesn't exist anywhere but in my mind?

What is the mind?  

Is the mind just a thought?

Is there anything that isn't a thought?

Is everything that I am and know about myself and reality just a thought?

What is reality?

And what is my place in it?

Not knowing scares me. 

Why does it scare me? Why lie about knowing something? Do I prefer comfort over truth?

I would like to find out.

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I started my meditation practice. My first goal is to get "Access Concentration". I also have that my concentration is bad. So I will have to practice a lot. 

All these years, I feel that I have been gathering information and having little insights into this path. But every time I got on it, I would stop because it scared me.

But right now, I want to walk this path so bad... that there is nothing in my life more important. 

What I do notice right now... is that in regular life I feel very lost. I do know I want to start my own business and that I want to become a life coach, but at the same time, everything I do feels empty and useless. I find it difficult to get excited about success in society. 

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Hey guys, 

It's been a while. No clue if anyone is reading this. But thats alright. 

I am currently going through the foundations of self improvement. I feel that I went way to fast by diving head into consciousness work. 

My foundations are still quite shaky. 

This year I am working on building a healthy body. I work on eating healthy, drinking enough water, and moving my body more. 

Baby steps... 

I am a very impatient person. So baby steps...

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