How to balance self-actualization and school. Im confused about my life purpose

[lostmedstudent]

Hello everyone, i will try my best here to describe my struggle and my confusion these days and hopefully it will be clear. This is a long one, thank you in advance for baring with me. 

I got into spiritual development a few years ago when i started reading stuff on self-help. Back then I was a very jealous person with low-esteem and almost constantly in fear about being judged by others (of course i still very much am, but to a lesser extent). So i initially discovered Leo from his older videos like how to be confident, how to not be jealous etc. and i deeply resonated with the way he thinks and follows him on YouTube ever since, which led me into reading more about enlightenment stuff. Thus far in my life, I have never been more genuinely passionate about anything other than the idea of enlightenment. The idea of it just speaks so much to me and it makes me feel like this is what i am meant to do and must pursue in life. The more I grow, the more I realize that the root of all of my problems and my sufferings is the lack of awareness and the ego. Theoretically, it is the principle that I agree with and to me, this is the meaning of life: to reach enlightenment, to realize the truth. My motivation? My sufferings. I have a very strong ego, i am a jealous person, i like to compare myself with others, and evidently, my psyche is not very healthy so i tend to suffer a lot in my thoughts. And plus, it just resonates with me in the way that I know if i had to dedicate my life doing one thing, it would be to realize the Truth. 

However, as much as I state this is what I deem to be the most important and the most valuable thing and how convinced i am of it, my actions speak otherwise... My work put into enlightenment is quite sporadic. I started meditating seriously and consistently around 2017 after a terrible and toxic relationship and the practice lasted for about 6 months. And since then, my meditation has not been consistent but i would say i meditate more days than not... I also attended a 10 days silent meditation retreat and i listen to Leo's Podcast regularly. I started reading books recently but i read at the speed of a turtle (it takes me a few months to finish a book..). So just writing these out already made me realize: well no shit, of course you are not getting anywhere with this kind of lazy work. and you are correct, I have improved a lot of my procrastination issues and time management, but spirituality-wise, I have not come close to awakening... it's still an unfathomable idea to me

But here are some of the reasons behind it: procrastination is a MAJOR issue that i struggle with. I am addicted to social media (probably due to my unhealthy psyche / my ego) that I used to waste SO MUCH TIME stalking people on Facebook, Instagram, twitter and comparing myself with others. I think actually the very first video of Leo that I watched was "how to stop procrastinating". My procrastination caused significant emotional distress and was a huge obstacle in my personal development. I cannot even tell you the number of times that my social media addiction has driven me to the brink of depression and desperation. I think I have gotten a lot better through meditation, therapy, self-help talks, but my addiction to compare myself to others, to stalk people on social media still remains and it definitely is one of the reasons that prevent me from fully dedicating myself to spiritual development. This is something that i am still constantly working on, but i think it prevents me from optimizing my time and ultimately, not allowing me to allocate enough time into spiritual development. So as you can see, (and as i have realized through contemplation and meditation), it really is a vicious cycle. All of my self-esteem issue, social media addiction, jealousy, comparing myself with others, ultimately procrastination really all stem from my lack of awareness and my deep-wired ego. Which is why, over and over AND OVER again, I am shown that enlightenment is my only way out of this cycle and this suffering that I am causing myself. Another very important reason why I haven't been able to dedicate the amount of energy and time as I wish i would is my studies. I am a medical student and school takes up a lot of my free time, in fact If i wanted to, i can use up all of my free time to be fully occupied with medicine stuff. I am not as passionate about medicine as I am about enlightenment, but i spend WAY MORE time with academics than spiritual development, because I have no choice. I have to study a lot and put in the time to graduate medical school. I don't want to give up medical school. I do find a lot of meaning and fulfillment in this profession, but sometimes I find it incompatible with the self-actualizing work. For example, I really want to take the time to contemplate and meditate and go on retreats, but I am constantly emotionally overwhelmed by the stress at school. I cannot go to retreats because i literally don't even have a 10-days straight where i have no plans in my entire year. I have to choose my medical specialty next year and there is high stress and tension among my peers and my friends. It has its toll on me too. I am so confused as to what i like and what i don't like and i spend day and night trying to figure it out because it stresses me out. And deep down i know none of this is what i ultimately want because what i ultimately want is the Truth. By competing in medical school is not going to give me that, but realistically, i still have to figure out a specialty and work hard to get it.  This is where it drives me so confused, so lost, and even depressed sometimes. I have tried to use all of this obstacles as a means for improvement, use those stressful things in school as opportunities to contemplate and ponder and grow but I never seem to develop a good system that works: I have a stressful day where I receive a bad evaluation at the hospital from the attending doctors, i get home, I don't have time to meditate on the way i reacted because i have to study, or I have to do research, etc. So then i don't, i repress my feelings, I go on YouTube because i tend to procrastinate, and so on, you see? So ever since I "decided" that enlightenment is my #1 goal, I haven't really actualized it and I grow spiritually but very very very slowly if at all. 

So right now, I still consider enlightenment the number one priority for me (at least that what I tell myself), but I cannot drop all of my current life plans (becoming a doctor), nor do I want to. Yet I can't seem to be able to balance medical school and self-actualization. Does that mean that deep down I don't really value enlightenment? I thought, maybe I should focus on school and pause the idea of pursuing enlightenment until after graduation (because anyway I am not really pursuing it by meditating only once in a while), but if i cannot incorporate self-actualization in my life as a medical student, there's no way I can do it as an intern. It is also harder than it sounds to find a place that accepts you as a part time doctor here in Canada. So then i feel pressure to figure out what i want and how to do it RIGHT NOW and it only stresses me out. To summarize, I am in a place where I WANT my number one priority to be enlightenment, but where I CANNOT put in the work, and with the little free time I have, i DONT do the self-actualization because of procrastination, and procrastination stems from the stresses and my lack of awareness which is what i WANT to improve, which I CANNOT because of school, but which i DONT WANT to drop because i cant even survive in society let alone self-actualization if i don't have a decent career. 

So my question is: have i not properly thought of what i want (i.e. letting my ego talk to me instead of calmly objectively figure this out), or did i overthink? I don't know what my passion is in life anymore once i get caught up in this train of thought. How do i find my passion? how do i balance everything? it's been driving my insane these past few months. 

Thank you so so much for taking your time to read me. I hope I was clear. and thank you for everyone's advice. 

Edited December 4, 2018 by lostmedstudent

[Sahil Pandit]

@lostmedstudent Break this down into simple terms. 

What's the most important thing you want to improve?