Lost inner feelings. What did I do?

[1nsight]

Hoping someone here knows what I did and how I can fix it. I used to be extremely shy and got heavy into pickup as a way to overcome it. That inevitably led me to NLP and Tolle's Power of Now, where I learned about the effect my thoughts were having on me. It was an unreal experience - one day I suddenly became extremely aware of when and how things were influencing me. It was like I was feeling these things affect me and I could go along with them or have the feelings disappear. Even more interesting was I could see someone or even hear their voice and immediately get this vibe about what internal state they were in. So I went on like this for a few months until one day I was at work on lunch break hanging out with a group of coworkers. I don't remember why, but one coworker started going hard teasing me. I remember her being extremely aggressive, so much angst behind what she was saying. I went back to my desk and reflected on it and here's when my problem occurred. I was so focused on that shitty feeling when she was ripping on me, and had amped it up so much in my mind from replaying the event, that I felt all the feelings inside of me draw into a little ball in my chest and then disappear. It was analogous to one of those old black and white TVs turning off. Since then, I have zero internal feelings. I still get happy, sad, etc. but rather than having some sort of tangible feeling inside of me I now just "know" when I'm happy, sad, or whatever. Is there any way to get those feelings back? 

 

 

[111111]

3 hours ago, 1nsight said:

what internal state they were in

What internal state YOU THINK they're in. Regardless of how good you are at body language&psychology, all those signs are probabilities. 

3 hours ago, 1nsight said:

my thoughts were having on me.

Meditate and do Self-Inquiry to realize that you and your thoughts are the same thing, although this realization might be too soon for you.

What you're experiencing is probably "consciousness" separation from your ego, am I right?

I experienced something similar too, and there's nothing wrong with the "observer" getting stronger. Embrace it!

[1nsight]

7 hours ago, 111111 said:

What internal state YOU THINK they're in. Regardless of how good you are at body language&psychology, all those signs are probabilities. 

I wasn't actively trying to read body language. It was more like heightened empathy, where I could feel what someone else was feeling and through that had insight into what was going on with them internally.

 

7 hours ago, 111111 said:

Meditate and do Self-Inquiry to realize that you and your thoughts are the same thing, although this realization might be too soon for you.

This isn't correct. In my experience, I was at a point of being able to observe my thoughts, and could will myself into another state. Through doing that my thoughts changed to be aligned with that state. Your thoughts feed your state and your state feeds your thoughts. There is definitely a separation between "me" and the thoughts going through my mind.

 

All of this aside, the key thing is I don't know what happened to my internal feelings. Meditation is no longer the same... Those internal feelings acted like a guide. It's like I can't connect with anything anymore on a deep level. I'm not sure if my internal feelings are gone or if I suppressed them to the point of being out of awareness. Maybe I need to find a way to amplify them rather than assume they're gone

[7thLetter]

@1nsight Pickup usually tends to produce a “fake growth” in a lot of guys after a ton of consistency. Especially with the theory mentioning, “be non-reactive to the girl! Non-reactive is attractive! Handle her shit-tests like a man.” That theory usually turns into a belief, the guy feels the need to act non-reactive, but its more of a suppression of one’s feelings rather than actual growth that we might talk about in a spiritual or personal-development sense. 

My story, done consistent pickup for over a year, became quite narcissistic, was an asshole, suppressed feelings, manipulative, on the outside I seemed tough, but on the inside I was dying. I had enough awareness of these behaviours that I wanted a change. So most importantly I stopped pickup, then all I did was a ton of self-reflection, sitting in solitude, contemplation, meditation. 

So you probably won’t be able to change today, but it takes time, slow down on the pickup, self-reflect a lot, and you should be fine.