How far should I go for a relationship?

[beatlemantis]

My relationship with my boyfriend has lasted a year and 1 month so far. I'm 19 and he's 23. He has an incredibly similar psyche to mine, we both want the same things out of a relationship: the same type of family atmosphere, the same understanding and blunt truth towards one another, to not yell but rather talk, to preserve each other's innocence and perspective, and to continue intimacy and sexual exploration. 

There's only some catch, though. After an incident within a three-way we had (not our first one, but I did notice he had a fervent attraction to this girl and more or less, left me out of it), my boyfriend has told me some truths that are making me question everything. He felt so sorry after I expressed my feelings for what happened in the three-way, and told me it wasn't what he meant to do (i.e. "in the heat of the moment"). I understood this, forgave him, and since then have taken a break from inviting girls over. His excitement about our relationship seemed to drop, he was distant and we hardly were intimate with one another (emotionally and physically). He claims this was because his confidence dropped after what he did to me, I accepted this as a truth being as I have no way to tell if it isn't. But, the sexual tension between us pretty much died, and I was left feeling like he truly didn't desire me anymore. 

We were still having problems with it as he would continue to bring it up half-jokingly and it would eat at my confidence in reminder of what happened. Eventually, I however, I got better, and we started sexting girls again. He seemed so much more excited to be with me and was giving me sexual attention like he did in the beginning of our relationship. He claimed this was because my confidence has improved, but after this repeating cycle, I wasn't so sure. 

So I asked him one night, "What do you like about three-ways?"

From what he told me in the past, I was expecting an answer like "I like seeing you fool around with other girls" or "it's erotic to have sex with someone with you". But he said, "It's because I like to have sex with new girls."

This wasn't too far-fetched from what I thought, and it did hurt my ego as I tend to use sex as a way to validate myself and the emotional and physical intimacy within my relationships. I tried to not let it bother me, because I saw through this. However, a couple days later, I let him know everything I thought about him saying that. This lead to several conversations about what he meant towards that, and some truths were revealed such as... "I don't really ask you to send nudes anymore because I know what everything looks like", "I know you want me to be more intimate with you but it's not like that anymore" and "I don't know what you want me to tell you, any guy would be excited because it's new pussy." 

This is the purely "negative" side of what he said to me during these conversations. I understand that some sexual excitement dies within the course of a relationship - but I'm a relatively attractive young girl with a fit, slender body (he keeps telling me I am the epitome of what he finds attractive). But I can't help but feel this type of energy is directed towards other girls now. 

I'm really conflicted because I do have deep, true feelings for this man. I want to share a life with him but I just don't feel like I'm enough for him anymore. I don't think I can continue to have a sexually explorative lifestyle (this is very important to him in a relationships) if other girls are experiencing his passion, his love, and his intimacy, and I'm just there on the sidelines with unfulfilled needs for emotional and physical intimacy. 

We're still together as of right now, but I'm having more doubts than usual about this. I just fear that I'm not being committed enough and I'm about to tear myself away from a man I truly love. 

So, how far would you go for a relationship? Is he attracted to the passageway to sex with other girls? Or am I just acting and thinking from a wounded ego? 

Please let me know any thoughts or questions.. I know some of you may recognize I post on this forum semi-often because of my relationship quarrels but this is a leave-or-stay situation. If I leave, it's over - but if I stay, then no more questions. 

 

Edited October 25, 2018 by beatlemantis

[MIARIVEL]

@beatlemantis I will try and get to my point here, as someone that is married and had her fair share of ups and downs and had previously several failed relationships; you really need to love yourself before you can love someone else. You need to be able to be confident and validate yourself rather than having sex or another man validate you.

People (and partners) in life will always say things to hurt us at times, despite their love for us or our love for them. People are entitled to their opinions, but you have to find out who you are and your own self worth. So if you go into a relationship and it is making you unhappy or something goes wrong, you have the ability to walk away knowing you can do better and deserve better. Don't let feelings control you, you need to learn to control them.

You cannot control other peoples feelings or what they do or don't do or say, you can only control how you react and what you choose to do or say.

I don't think it is a question of how far would you go for a relationship or someone else, it is how much and how long you are willing to put yourself through grief for this other person? time is the most precious gift we are given so don't waste it. Someone who loves you will always put you and your feelings first.

[Charlie_B]

@beatlemantis I completely agree with @MIA.RIVEL There's something honest and true about our intuitions. They always tell us when something is going wrong. Trust your intuition. The very foundation of a relationship is reciprocity. What is the point of hanging in there if you are not happy with it. You are the only person who can put yourself first. If you can't do it then don't expect anyone else do it either. I'm not saying to end it. I'm just encouraging you to be smart enough about what you might face in future. You don't need approval from anyone. You don't need suggestion from anyone. You just know what to do. Trust yourself.