Managing my current Manifested Reality vs. my Higher Self

[Synthy]

June 15th, 2017, I managed to overcome a few literal addictions which had stripped my life of all meaning; I was a zombie, a slave to a lifestyle I never imagined I would find myself in. 

October 11th, 2017, my son was born. 

It is a gift to start from scratch. I ventured forward in my life optimistically; genuinely excited.

I got some clean time under my belt, and read multiple books, audiobooks, and web sites on self improvement, living in the moment, enlightenment, etc.

[QUESTION]

Nearly every day for the past month I have anxiety that shows up around 2pm, lasting for about 3 hrs.

I meditate and take action, but after recently getting fired and then rejected from a grad school I applied to, I have no idea what my purpose is or where to begin. There is so much wisdom here, and when I feel like my recent past is still gripping me like a spider's web, I watch a video or meditate. Often both. But I am lost. 

With all this wonderful wisdom like staying in the present, and methods to chase your dreams, I wonder, when my life has crumbled (which I still see as just a part of my journey) how do I learn from the beginning who I am and what my dream is at 32, watching my young beloved son, and searching for... Something.

[Equanimitize]

Indeed it is a gift to start from scratch, each breathe you take is starting from scratch. It must have taken a lot of courage to get through the things you got through and congratulations on your beautiful child, what a blessing!

47 minutes ago, Synthy said:

Nearly every day for the past month I have anxiety that shows up around 2pm, lasting for about 3 hrs.

 

I have found that anxiety appears when I am resisting something in the future that hasn't yet appeared in the present moment, some sort of trauma in the past triggered resistance which then leads to my anxiety. What I try to do when I have anxiety is to feel it fully without resistance, feel whatever arises and just bring your awareness to those sensations in your body wherever it is that the anxiety is coming from-for me I had a feeling in my chest area where I can feel the anxiety the most. 

If you can keep practicing this, it will help tremendously. Also, you can start contemplating what exactly is causing this anxiety? What exactly am I resisting? Why am I feeling this way? and if you can keep digging deep you will find your answers.

53 minutes ago, Synthy said:

I meditate and take action, but after recently getting fired and then rejected from a grad school I applied to, I have no idea what my purpose is or where to begin. There is so much wisdom here, and when I feel like my recent past is still gripping me like a spider's web, I watch a video or meditate. Often both. But I am lost. 

Meditating and taking action is great, good for you and I would say continue this. "God helps those who help themselves." I would also say its ok to be lost, I have definitely been there before. I have found that the toughest times in life were such blessings, and the moments where I had to dig deep and figure things out were the very catalyst of my growth. 

56 minutes ago, Synthy said:

With all this wonderful wisdom like staying in the present, and methods to chase your dreams, I wonder, when my life has crumbled (which I still see as just a part of my journey) how do I learn from the beginning who I am and what my dream is at 32, watching my young beloved son, and searching for... Something.

You have to figure out what your biggest opportunity for growth is, in your personal life it is usually the thing that you are not able to talk about, it is the thing that you resist the most, it is the proverbial skeleton in the closet that you want to stay there forever, is the "part" of you that you never want to show the world. In order to move past this part of you that you "don't like" you have to include it. The best analogy I can give is imagine your baby is crying all the time and just wants you to acknowledge it, it just wants you to give him attention, as soon as you give him attention he stops crying. This is the same thing with personal development work in order to move past something you have to include it as part of you and accept it fully.

This may mean that you need to get help from the outside, maybe hire a psychologist or life coach or mentor. You have to be ruthless and find answers because they are out there-and they will set you free.

Lastly I would say one step at a time, "the joy is in the journey not the destination. " I hope this helps you and this advice is applicable to you, I am just sharing my own experience. 

 

[Equanimitize]

I forgot to mention since you asked this question in the Life Purpose section-Not sure if you're taking or plan on taking the life purpose course but I would highly suggest taking the life purpose course or at minimum using other tools to figure out/find out what it is that can drive you. Theres freedom in knowing where it is that you are going. 

[Nahm]

Live this life for you, like you do for others. Stop beating up on yourself. It’s two steps forward, one step back. You’re better than that, far better than you have ever given yourself credit for. This is the crux of the issue. 

Pragmatically, 2pm is the ‘tired hour’. You should be lettting go, loving yourself, encouraging yourself during that time. 

Meditate first thing in the morning. 

Adopt the personal rule, that you do not think, at all, about anything, in the first hour & in the last hour of your day. Stay away from carbonated beverages, sugar, bread, and unhealthy carbs. 

Do these things in love of yourself. 

Understand your over thinking by watching your son. He’s having no “ I “ thoughts of self doubt. Just curiously in love with you and the world.