White Noise Calendarium

[RiseAbove]

Dear people and future me:

I wanted to create this little segment of mine in order to retrospect on my daily thoughts and review my memories.

 

[RiseAbove]

First of all, let's start with the evil circle of mine, which could start at points of following:

Looking for pity, setting myself belittled in view of other people (maybe as inferiority complex)-->self degradation, conscious or unconscious-->victimhood narrative-->living the victim life-->believing that I actually deserve this mentality--> believing I can't change on any of this-->despair-->suicidal thoughts


Acts that I took during my life:

 

I am/I should be/I should show myself as: - Overwhelming - Good Guy -Smiling -Happy -Manly -Strong -Not a virgin -Behaving Kid -Nice -Orderly -Confident -Egoless/Selfless -Not Virtue Signalling -Conflict avoiding -Calm -Not Smiling -With girlfriend

 

My drugs/addictions are: - attention of others, video games, coffee (slowly coming off of it), porn (Nofap since 1 week), distraction from reality, thinking, daydreaming, Youtube, Facebook

 

I think I am: compulsive, daydreaming, defected, unworthy, self-obsessed, anxious, lacking self-esteem, looking for happiness from external sources, introvert, perfectionist.


I would like to improve myself with Personal Development and psychedelics in the following ways:

drop my roles of: The sufferer, perfectionist, the loser, the nice guy, the mistreated, the abused, the smartass, the professional, mr military/gun guy, the one who already gave up, the guy who impresses everyone, the lone wolf, gentleman, sinner, antihero, the joker, the one who does without thinking, the crazy Eastern European, tough guy, mr. dangerous, the simple man, the man with answers, mr. ridiculous.

[RiseAbove]

Another thought loop that is making me have bad decisions is my decision making system and it's black and white thinking.

 

When I observe myself thinking about making decisions, an obsession, or some kind of frustration comes up the surface:

 

I am either going to continue thinking about doing the thing and evaluating do's and dont's forever or make a sudden decision of doing the stuff right now, without evaluation.

This kind of non-self negotiability is sometimes triggering, but sometimes it is really useful. Currently, as I observe this technique, I see that I can come off to people as impulsive or highly non-debatable, which is true in it's sense, but I only see words, not actions.

[RiseAbove]

My soul and my limits are constrained by myself and my subconscious. When you wish for something, make sure it is wisdom. When asking yourself, ask what foolish thing am I doing to make it worse for myself? 
The tension, the restriction of my free expression at all cost not to hurt my mother's feelings. She did not learn how to grow up. She was never told no, and my father carried her all the way until now. The puer aeternum.

When seeking for a relationship, I also have to learn how to say no. I have to know what my inner values are, and know that they have limits. I am sure that I have the willpower to say no, because I have the responsibility over my soul. 

I will not let myself be emotionally manipulated or guilt-tripped to act against my own values. I have been guilt tripped enough in my family to forget my own values. I have been running away for long enough into video games, family, hobbies, alcohol. 

IT IS TIME TO FIND MEANING IN MY LIFE.

I have been catered to long enough.

Expedience is the thing that takes you off the hook the fastest and the antidote for that is meaning. I have to make my meaning. I don't want to put my meaning into material wealth. 

 

Life is an adventure. I can't be worried all the time about being X way. One goal of mine is to create the way for people not to be driven by fear, but by their will to create. To create a world of opportunities, not threats. To show them that there is no enemy, or the biggest one lies in each and every soul. To lead them out of victimhood narrative. To show them there is future. (P.s.: To show myself that there is a future)

[RiseAbove]

This night contemplating I discovered a very toxic feedback loop, yet a very simple one: in order to gain one's pity, the strongest manipulating agent in western culture, you have to become a victim. This is done by self sabotage then a well oriented victimhood narrative. I am a mastermind hidden behind the veils, and I feel guilt crushing on me.

[RiseAbove]

I've just had this childhood memory reoccur to me: when I did something wrong towqrds another child in the daycare, they forced us to shake each others hands and to say sorry to each other. This is probably one of the worst method I've seen how to do conflict resolution. I've learnt so early that people only want their moral obligations forced on others. Forcing two children who are angry at each other without asking them what their problem is, awakens resentment. Also it could very easily turn them into manipulative personalities. Just make them alright on the surface, and so I will see them as "good kids". If one child realises that the only way for conflict resolution is to abandon the conflict and be resentful afterwards, it hurts their feeling of justice, the feeling of being right. Right in not a sense of being right over another, but being right to ones core values.

[RiseAbove]

I am no better than any other attention whore, however I want to feel morally superior. I feel like I can explain everything with my knowledge in the world, yet I feel that I am a noone.

Makes me remember of a talk of a hungarian psychologist I listened to.

He explained the idea of the transition of a child's mind. As a child is born, he/she experiences the world as if he/she was the center of it. Everything comes to him/her, everybody cares about him/her, and he/she deducts that he/she must be in the center of the universe. 

As the child grows, it will eventually it will face things that are impossible to be given to it. The more of these a child has, the more it feels that it's needs are not important. This was called the transition period. The parent's rule in this period is impeccable for a healthy and well developed ego for the child. If you deny the needs, divert the attention from the child's needs, it can start to think that she is not important, her needs are not prior, the person she represents does not matter, the wants it have must be repressed. It thinks that he/she is just a speck in the universe.

 

The opposite possibility is that a child will be always given it's demands, and it will be still a priority in a family. The child thinks that it's needs are impeccable, the needs of his/her are over everyone elses, his/her will must be fullfilled. "I am the center of the universe still".

 

Most of the times you can observe these symptoms on yourself in adulthood. You just have to observe how do you feel. Do you feel as if you were just another speck of dust in the universe, a part of a machine, a noone or someone who is utterly important, whose will is above, who has to have, or sometimes these two can actually switch and/or mix.

 

Why am I writing these lines? Do I just want to sound like an intellect and gain popularity? Why am I shaming myself?  I just want to show that I can. I feel like I am not worthy of attention though. I feel that it does not matter what I write I will never be reconsidered as a human. It is perhaps because I do not even consider myself as a worthy human being? Am I just playing into my victimhood narrative? Do I just want your pity? Would I like to manipulate you into feelings towards me? 

[RiseAbove]

Reading my thoughts from yesterday I remembered some other manipulation I have used. I have a compulsion to never be or sound authoritative. To seem the least threatening. This would lead to too much attention on my agenda that I secretly crave for control. I have created the perfect victim agenda to the point that I even made myself believe that having a voice for yourself is a sin. Sounding your opinion or even just having one is a sin. Being somewhat off the map of commonly accepted ideas is a sin. 

[RiseAbove]

Am I just addicted to tormenting myself? Now that I visited my old friends and managed to laugh   andd forget to suffer, it became much simpler. I was not the suffering agent. I managed to stay like this for at least half an hour before self-inducted suffering kicked in. It's good to know at least that it's self induced, so that means I can change it hopefully. I should not be so harsh to myself.

[RiseAbove]

I have been depressed for a long time now, not knowing what to do, how to cure it or how to even approach it. I tried all the help actualized.org listed. I tried every one of them combined. I came off antidepressants, I did no fap, I came off caffeine, I tried cutting off toxic relationships, meditating, self-inquiry, eating healthy, even to veganism, cutting smoking off, holotropic breathing, but nothing worked... I am seriously considering abandoning everything I learned from here, and not coming back. I do not and have not felt any kind of personal development since I was a child. 
I am losing hope...

 

Edited October 29, 2018 by RiseAbove