Avidya

How do I maintain my creative force? The essence of art

1 post in this topic

Hi

I'll cut to the case. 
Story

I've played guitar when i was 6 till 9. Then i picked it up when i was 12 playing until i was 14. Then i had a break, for 6 months. Randomly, one day, I came across an instrumental piece (Tommy Emmanuel, Classical gas), which I loved and played very much. I couldn't play the piece exactly, since it'd been a long time, but i could just strike the chords, and hit some strings in tune to the video. I cried. Litterally tears out. It felt.., like if you miss a person, a person you have had your arguments with, but youre able to put it aside, reunite and just love eachother.

I've got feelings of doubt, when i consider commiting to music. I'd contemplate a lot. Because I've done personal development for a while, and know that i want to connect with life on a deeper level. I wanted to commit to being more concious, liberating myself from dumb ego attachements (this is my top value [life purpose course red.]). I also wanted to raise other people's awareness, give them beautiful insight in themselves, and i did not regard music as a effective method. But i was thinking to practical. Also because i wanted to devote my time to study psychology and enlightement, but now i see music is my source to awareness. 

When i write music though, when i improvise, there will be moments where i just hit a spot. A spot, which resonate throughout my whole body. Often I can sing melodies, over a chord(without actual words) and cry because it touches me so deeply. I remember after playing guitar with some beautiful tunes, i looked out the window, up to the sky, and was so grateful. I thought that it was so fucking beautiful.
The same feelings i've experienced during meditation, but less frequently. 

This feeling, brings me closer to presence and truth, and directly heals me inside. I only feel the creative force, in the moment i create it, and struggle finishing my work. The thing i have been struggling with since i created a song which made people cry (i was 15), my young mind searching for recognition, was analyzing thinking too much if people would like the music he wrote. Therefore i lost touch with the essence of my art. Now i try to allign, meditate while creating music. 
But how do I use my creative force and intuition when making art, to finetune it. I mean is it possible to expand the feeling of presence, and use it to allign the art with the presence. When im finetuning I am thinking, because i want it to be good. When i am improvising i am present, and directly connected. How do i mix these to, especially if i turn it into a career, how do I keep the same kind of presence/spirituality in my music when communicating and getting back to it?
Example: The videos Leo makes are maybe 10% of the actual work he does, but may be that which put him in his zone of creative force. Is it merely discipline and vision that motivates the finishing 90%?  

***Additionally. Something i cant figure out. When i have performed on stage in the past, and i have performed some really authentic, deep vulnerable music, i dont feel the sense of accomplishment or relief, i rather feel resentment. I cant appreciate compliments, i just sort of brush it off, being to harsh on myself. Making me go inside, home and write on more better songs, because i dont feel as if they are good enough. But that shouldnt be that much of a deal, since i presented what was authentic. Maybe, i realize writing this, i should accept my authentic self. What do you think it is? "I feel raped" - Mike Oldfield after his   widely succesful debut concert, performing Tubular Bells. You would think he'd be happy, right?

Edited by Avidya

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