Misagh's Journal I - Encapsulation

[Misagh]

This is not a self-improvement journal. It is some simple reflection.

I actually remember the exact moment I chose to inhabit this vessel. It is my very first memory associated with my current form. I am looking at this human infant in one moment, who I now know to be Misagh, and in the next, darkness. I forget myself.

I had always been curious about God. The question, "Who is God?" has always been on my mind. I would always ask myself question like, "Who was I before i was born?" or "Where do we go after we die?" Mind you, I was 6 or 7 at the time, and I simply couldn't realize that the answer was right there in front of me as soon as I asked these questions. Now I know better.

My whole life has been one giant, unconscious seeking. That is why I can claim that I have not mediated at all and yet managed to self-realize. I was brought up God-fearing. The "God-the-bearded-man-in-heaven" type of God-fearing. I was terrified for many years of being a bad boy. As I entered college, I became an atheist. I utterly shattered this image of God which my society had implemented in my head. Thank you Richard Dawkins. 

But then I realized I was lost. I began to search for personal meaning in the material world. I worked out religiously. I fucked analytically. And I read self-help books as if they were written down by God himself. 

I was depressed. Suicidal. I remember laying face-down in my bed, so miserable that I could barely move a muscle. I was drowning in darkness. 

One day, I made a friend, and through him I had my first trip with LSD (I've been smoking weed recreationaly for a while, but never considered myself a true stoner.) The LSD experience was mystical but nothing mind-shattering. I do believe that it prepared my mind to be more receptive towards spirituality somewhat, but never considered the drug to be that significant to my self-realization. 

What it did though, was making me interested in Alan Watts. And that was when I got introduced to the Tao. I read his book "The Way of Zen" religiously. I think I read that book once every night, cover-to-cover, for a month. Alan Watts, I thank you. 

But I didn't realize the self yet.

From Watts, I went to Adyashanti, from him to Leo, from Leo to Shunyamurti, and eventually to Jan Esman, who gave me shaktipat through a YouTube video. I haven't had the chance to meet any of these gurus in my life, but I plan to. Specially Jan Esman whom I owe tremendous gratitude for what he did for me.

About this time I began pranayama. I practiced it on and off for about a month. I'd say in number of hours, I have actively meditated for 170hr. 

I've only recently self-realized, and that has been thanks to Sri Ramana Maharshi and Mark Wilburg (both of whom so eloquently convinced me that I am already self-realized - which is the real obstacle). 

Looking back at all this, I realize the wisdom of Adyashanti: That everything in your past, has been preparing you for this moment. 

Edited September 10, 2018 by Misagh