AL-LAD 225ug Trip report (Time stamps + All the juicy notes)!

[Igor82]

• 13:15 Almost end of preperation
• I prepaired a good set and setting, I prepaired my bed, some pillows, my blanket, I checked all the rooms, checked the door, prepaired some food, cleaned the room, prepaired some music on the laptop just in case. Good set and setting now, and ofcourse, I prepaired the 225ug, a big tab, with a thicker half minus a part of the thicker half. Around the wanted product.
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• Im gonna meditate now to get rid of my anxiety, then im gonna take the substance.
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• Contemplate: What am I?
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• 13:37 Starting to meditate, I will take the substance 14:00
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• 13:48 Took and swallowed the tabs of al lad that I prepaired for myself, immediate sublte anxiety.
• Im gonna sit now, and sit for the whole trip. Im committing to observe it and surrender, not forcing it or trying to controll it, just fully surrendering into it.
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• 14:01 Just took a crap after proceeding to dance. Now I feel really good and ready for this! Now im gonna meditate, im compltly ready!
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• 14:13 Still meditating, feel nothing yet...
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• 14:18 Microdose effects (feeling more playful)
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• 14:28 My teeth are wierd
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• 14:35 No visuals yet, but I feel some wierd stuff going on. I got myself on the couch to meditate in that position, more comfortable
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• 14:50 Pattern recognition
• I have headphones on (hörskelskydd) and I begin to contemplate. My thoughts are wierd for the moment
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• 15:05 Nothing too big yet, although my thoughts are getting more unnormal, like you would show me the thoughts of I dont know, the substance itself?
• Wierd stuff is happening though, not gonna lie.
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• 15:14 Im lying in this comfortable position on my couch (the the purpule pillow folded behind my neck) enjoying being the obeserver reality and this substance.
• I have learned to drop my obligations. Obligations are only things you force yourself to do! But you do not have to do anything, really. The lp course, or reading is just things I do hoping for hapiness, but im so unconcoius of the bigger picture in that case! I can now learn to let go of my obigations, of my tasks and stuff, just being able to surrender into the psychedelic experience no matter what.
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• 15:22 Just played around with that kawaii fläkt for a while, started beating with it, until I questioned "what is waking that sound" It was beating, but I dont know.
• Im seing black dots on the floor, im recognizing patterns
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• 15:26 Now is where thing will get serious. Im now gonna sit in meditation pose and really absorb the peak, not just the little comeup.15:34
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• 15:34
• Now Im gonna contemplate using a journal: This thing will be left and resumed during the whole trip
• What am I?
• I feel likeim the senses, the body
• My arm is part of my body, am I the arm too?
• Yeah, the arm is one of my parts!!
• What if I cut it away, will I still exists? I mean, If I ceise to exist, I will die
• Im not my arm, because I will be me without it.
• Am I the fläkt?
• No I dont feel like being it
• Why am I not the fläkt?
• What makes me, me?
• I think that I am this body that is seperate from reality, that is concstucted by limbs and can talk think etc. I am this body.
• But, I have only seen stuff, what determines that the feeling of a body really IS the body? And forthermore, what determines that the feeling has any connection with the visual perception of a body?
• I have models construced up by myself that if I see these two thing outside my visual filed, that it must be my "arms", and it does make sense.
• What determines that my arms are seperate from anything elise that I see? They could look the same, but not be the same, right, so what determines? Well the feeling!
• I can clearly sense that my arm is there? But what detemines that the feeling of physical touch is the same as the feeling of me being there?
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• 15:46
• The world has become really really peculiar. Yes I can see stuff, the world is becoming really diffrent.
• The "mindload" is like a burden on my brain, just like tiredness is, I think its because im tired, havnt slept enough.
• I have lost the immediate desire to contemplate with the computer.
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• 16:30 I listened to some music and all, yes it was beautiful, the whole substance is beautiful, but what am I after? Ego death? Some mysical experience? Its not here. My perecpetion of reality is just wierd, but what is the sooo profound obvious truth? Im a little dissapointed because I cant see it, or feel it
• I couldve gone deeper if I had more of an conceptual understanding, because for now, I have only pictures in my mind of what ego death or infinity would look like, and from here they are quantum leaps apart,
• I need to die to see that? Yeah, well what is the most efficent way of killing the concept of the ego? Meditation and psychedelics! This is just childsplay. Where is the BLISS? Where is the HAPINESS? Where is the fear and everything, where is it?
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• 16:38 Im gonna try, lets go for 1 hour of SDS, see where thefuck it will take me.
• I think only BEING calls upon an awakening, it cannot happen trough concepts, because after all, concepts are concepts, they will never be anything greather than that, and no concepts had ever given this sense of ego death, hahaha not concepts at all. Ego death is where all concepts vanish, its where you become..?
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• 17:49 Thisis really profound! I was seing myself in the mirror, and I saw myself with such big eyes and shit
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• 17:50 I cant think for shit! I should just meditate, but I feel like its a waste of time, NO. I should just meditate.
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• 18:23 Things are really getting time disoriented and shit!
• Why am I doing all this? To find the answer of myself! To find myself! That is why I tool the psychedelic, that is why I do the things I doo really. My life purpose and stuff, that all and well, feelng the progress of that. Do the psychedelic enough times and you will experience ego death! Yeah! That what im after, ego death!
• Hows does leo know that what I look after will be in a psychedelic or something, how did he know himself?
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• 18:29 Im always striving for something greater than this, and my emotions is the only this that puts a measure on that, pleasure is always greater than pain, right?
• What if there is no thing greater than this, what if this is the greatest thing?
• I feel like this is where all the concepts are leading up to! Yes its obvious! Im trying to make myself understand reality so much, that I will trust that enlightenment will come to me. Its a spontaineous happening, thats why no concepts can build up to it!
• Concepts are pointing at technuiqes right, concepts are limited, and so we must rely on technuiqes to know the true answer to the concepts, but technuiqes only point us to show us that the concepts are false? What is the ultimate concept? And the Ego can only be shown trough rapid realization of it, or trough industrial grade focus of on its excistence.
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• 18:52
• If you misuse your body, that will bring you unfulfillment
• If you use your body in the right way, it can bring upon you very much satisfaction
• If you trancend your body? ???
• How can I do that though!
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• A body has fear of emptyness
• Because sitting and doing nothing will soon destroy the ego
• Why will this destroy the ego?
• Because doing nothing forces the ego to not be itself, and someting not being itself will kill it. So then..
• Why do I have a fear of empthyness, and what am I?
• Ill keep doing my practses, ill implement krya, and maybe, after one year, everything will click, all the concepts would fall to pace, thus fall apart, and the Truth, the real me will be attained. Its a happening, through death, it is a click, like being born and like dying, like an insight. Through a spike of awareness on who I really am, I can know who I am. That awareness will though shine on the ego, and then it will disappear! That is why the ego wants unawareness, and thats why the real me wants truth.
• The ego is the machiene, the real me, is?? Im the substance of the machine, im the concoiusness in which the machine is dumbing down, and im the machine aswell, and everything, im everything. IM just not concoius of it, and I feel like this psychedelic trip has not made me concoius about it either.
• If any of this is really gonna be profound, then I will need some 5-MEO, or just a blastoff into the real me, or elise I just cannot fathom (attain) "all that juice".
• All I hope is for an ego death, right? Yeah. All I hope is for an ego death, but it didnt happen, not this time, even if I meditated. I know, I could have done it better, I know, I couldve gone deeper,
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• You! You! Leo is pointing to you, Allan watts is pointing to you, all the teachings are just fingest poiting at the real YOU! You must do the work yourself, because what more can Leo do than point it out for you?
• Insanity = not normal = my biggest fear in disguise. To not be me, for the old me to die. The fear of me dying = The fear of being not normal?
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• 19:21
• Life, sweet life, thats all youre after! Life! Life!
• But, if life is not good enough, you try to make it sweeter! What will make it sweeter, yes, and emotion, now youre chasing emotions, but how will you ever savor life that way?
• The more concoius you become, the more you will savor life for what it is! Thats why when you become so concoius, you stop chasing stuff, because chasing loses its purpose! Its purpose was to make life sweeter, but now you relise that concoiusness will make it sweeter!
• Previously you thought that chasing things makes life sweeter
• Now, trough a realization, you find that stopping and seing life for what it actually is, makes it sweetest.
• Looking, and looking and looking, until  something clicks, and then there you are.
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• Alright, this tips has a body load, now on the comedown, I can really feel it. The comedown is like the comeup, and I cant really remember the peak. Yes, it was all patterns and fun stuff, but what really matters now is my concoius level though out the day.
• Being concoius of reality will lead me where I want, and where I wanted to go with this trip.
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• But how is concepts intertied with me finding the truth!
• I mean, I can take 5-MEO, and just get to the truth, but can I handle it? Can I integrate it?
• But how are concepts such an important role for integration?!!?! Well, I dont know. I feel like I need to read alot more about these stuff.
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• The trip always plays the role as making me an observer of my own life, seing things for what they are my life right now, is miserable compared to the perfect picture, but really, its perfect.
• I mean, I keep at it! MY meditations become longer, I read more, I really start to see through nofap, and im starting to replace some of my deficency needs with more healther ones! Im fulfilling more and more of my needs, and im getting higher and higher!
• I keep at it, and I will, and I know that if I will, I will experience the truth of me, the sweetest thing, everything! The sweetest thing, the ultimate hapiness!
• If I keep at it, I know that enlightenment will come. If I work on my values, I know reap all those rewards that I desire.
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• The purpose is to be human, to be you!
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• All this trip has been literally, was be, trying to meditate, then writing down what came to mind, essencally me getting distracted by the psychedelic, to write down conceptual juice on my commonplace book. And the psychedelic was beautiful, but I still dont know how it can be one of Leos top tools for spiritual growth. Maybe he is reffering to a 5-MEO induced ego-death, or any psychedelic induced ego death, but this, this has not gotten me there, and I dont know how.
• I need to read more, I need to understand more about psychedelics and enlightenment.
• I need to boid a stong conceptual understanding of how to achieve higher concoiusness, but also i need to know:
• Why the methods are so efficent
• Why they will being me to this and that
• I need to know why, so I can see what im really chasing! I need to look for more fingers pointing to the moon, to make the moon seem more apparent! Yes:D
• The more my worlview is pointing at enlightenment, the more I will attract it in the now, If I trip, this is also the case. If I trip, and all my concepts just move in the direction of my concoiusness, then "maybe falls into place initiating some sort of awakening", that is why a strong conceptual understanding will be so important. The concepts will never get you to know the truth itself, but more and more concepts will make it more and more apparent THE ACTIONS STEPS that will lead you to the truth.
• Concepts will show me where to not go, concepts will and can shine light on the FALSE road, because ultimately concepts are the false road.
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• All concepts show me where to go, by showing me where to not go.
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• All I do in life is to get fulfillment, and I can see how concepts play a role in getting me fulfillment through my prupose, in the same way it shows me fulfillment though enlightenment work:
• Concepts is great at telling me where to go! Thoughts are great tools for that, to navigate! Concepts are the map, enlightenment work is the territory!
• But hey, its really good if I have a good enough map for me to see all the pitfalls flags, checkpoints, etc? Fuck yeah!
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• One more point: I feel like I could take a higher dose, at least, I would feel like I would be very much able to endure it, if it means by serrendering and letting go all shit and stuff all in the moment, then yeah, I couldve taken a higher dose.
• But I dont see that as being too convenient, I mean, I have not yet built such an enjoyable role for psychedelics. Either I need a better map for them to really work, or I need stronger psychedelics that will get me to what I want without the need of a map, like 5-MEO.
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• I dont see this as leading me to where I want, not from the standpoint of this experience, yes, trips increase my concousness, but in a way that makes me Not Normal - The ego feels uncertain
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• For me to implement psychedelics, lets say AL-LAD into a "every other" week basis, as a habit,
• Then I will need to get more juice out of the experience, by purposly chosing to sit through it all in a stone still position. Which is impossible for me to do;
• I need to give it more time, I need to give it more more knowledge, I need to give it less deficency needs. I need to expand the map, and I need to be more present in the territory aswell... How?
• Implement contemplation
• Implement yoga
• Read more books
• Make my sits longer
• Its time, to give it more time. Its time, to take more action.
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• This trips was not as I expected, but It did give me a juicy look an my reality. Thats essentially what any trip is about, a different look on reality, a different perspective.
• If that perspective gets too diffrent though, it can kill you! Be careful!
• This perspective, is what we call the AL-LAD perspective, Leo told me it was gonna be super profound... Eh, it was not so profound as I expected.
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• Haha, my image of Truth, is the feeling of formlessness (the feeling between thoughts) with hapiness under it! That is my image of truth! Yes, chase it, formlessness = fulfillment!
• No, I should take that "image" out of my head, I have made the mistake to mistake a concept for the truth itself. Maybe a better goal is to increase my awareness! Like when I visualize, instead of visualizing that "enlightenment moment", I visualize myself doing the very things that will get me to what I want, not the thing I want.
• A visualization can never show the real deal, because or elise you would never visualize it in the first place, for reasons of having it as a goal to be reached. If the goal is already reached so to speak.
• Never visualize your goals themselves, instead visualize how you get to them (and apply the fulfillness on that instead). I Used to visualize a syringe up my ass, maybe I should keep that...
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• 20:25
• The only discomfort that I had during this trip, was the discomfort that originated from me not being able to eat properly, and think properly.
• I mean, I have needs to fulfill, and I dont want the psychedelic to stand in the way of them. If the psychedelic does, maybe im not ready for it. Maybe I need to take care of all my needs first to then not have them stop me in my psychedelic trip.
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• Right now, I was unclear about the very prupose of the psychedelic trip. Conecpts will certainly help me to make me clear on that, and how to prepair myself and my needs for the next one. I would like to have a shorter one.
• I dont want recreation at all other than the ego death, thanks. I dont want 8 hours of colcour and shapes, unless I have the foundational awareness to make something good out of it.
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• All I do right now Is to sit and to dig in my mind, I sit, contemplate and strategize! Maybe this has been the role of my psychedelic trips so far. This is how it has been played, expected profound methaphysical insights, but instead I got this.
• If I would be in the position of living my life purpose, of doing what I love the most, that position would be more suitable for self trancendence, as my life purpose is one of my needs.
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• 21:08
• This trip was summarized, and I have some action to take
• (Visualization and reading more books, contemplating the purpose of my lp, and strategizing!)
• And I can now go back to daily life, with some new insights and better expectations for the next one. My purpose will have the higher end of priorty in future to come, and then it will lean more to the concoiusness side of things, eventually.

This report is completely naked, directly unedited and copy-pasted from my commonplace book. This trip happened 2018-08-08 2pm-9:30pm (+2GMT)

[Leo Gura]

Next time you trip, put away all distractions. No taking notes, no computers, no smart phones, no reading.

Recording and documenting your trip interferes with you fully diving into it.

And don't think so much. All that thinking is getting in the way. Just go on the ride. Drop the expectations like, "Leo told me this will be profound, but it isn't. What is wrong?" That's all a distraction.