Return of the undiscovered self

[Destiny]

Calling in sick from work again, brain is still racing, overcome by anxiety.  Anxiety is a manifestation of fear of the future. Dread, futility, nihilism. I’m thinking about this guy I saw on TEDx who - became like a Director of Global Investments at a major bank, hiked the Appalachian Trail, learned how to speak German, hiked the Appalachian Trail, became an artist, learned how to fly a plan, got into the Guinness Book of World Records for crochet (?), became an installation artist.  That’s crazy. He’s a sort of a famous guy too, I’m just not remembering his name. Why can’t I have that? All I want is a promotion, to start a small side business, start recording my guitar playing and posting to Bandcamp, lose a few pounds. That’s it. Wtf is wrong with me that I can’t make this happen. Oh yeah it’s important to note how many of those tasks he accomplished in a span of less than 10 years while maintaining a career and family.  It’s just depressing to think of how I keep sabotaging myself, giving up and having to start over, running in place, overthinking things, denigrating everything I do, thinking it’s not good enough or it’s pointless. Again, wtf is wrong with me.

I just need to get some consistency.  Also need to eliminate all of these negative thoughts.  This is a new thing I realized just very recently - how often I’m caught up in these negative thoughts.  Guilt and regret over the past, constantly berating myself over my past mistakes. Anxiety and fear about some nameless future threat.  Just look at what I write and think about all of the time. Blaming others, cursing the ‘system’, cursing my ex wife, cursing myself. That’s not the way to change your life, you start by focusing on the positives and the possibilities, you start by being a friend to yourself and supporting yourself, doing whatever it takes to help yourself get better as a person.  There’s noone out there that’s going to help you, or figure your life out for you, or love you in the way you need to be loved. I know this now.

Overcoming this sense of hopelessness and despair will be one of the biggest challenges that I have to face.

Edited January 3, 2019 by Destiny

[Destiny]

Q4 2018 Review        

 

1. Fitness

    1. I lost 15 lb by the eoy.  I have not weighed myself since Christmas break, so I might have gained some back, but I have made a lot of progress

    2. Proved to myself through consistent efforts I can make a dent in my goal

    3. Surely by summer I would be in good shape.  Possibly by eoy I would be cut.  Definitely I should reach my immediate goal of looking decent pretty soon, I already feel like I look ok.

What's working

    1. Eating OMAD salads and protein

    2. Wkout 5x a week, notice I feel better when I wake up

    3. Gradually increase weight, gradually increase cardio - right now I'm starting to run again

Notes 

    1. Weigh yourself more regularly

    2. Drink protein shakes more

    3. Gradually add 1-2 exercise per workout - right now currently doing 4 different exercises, goal is 5-6 plus running

    4. Maybe try biking and/or spin class

 

 2. Day Trading

    1. I've started trading again

    2. I've read a lot of books

    3. I started a trading journal on babypips

    4. I created a trading plan

    5. I've touched base with some people forming in person meetups for FX traders in Chicago

    6. I've started programming again in Pinescript and Python using Oanda APIs

What's working

    1. Overall I am proud for taking consistent action, and have created a framework to educate myself going forward

Notes

    1. A good goal would be done by with demo trading by end of Q1

    2. Start saving a little bit of money towards above

    3. Attend meetups coming up

    4. Organize your github

    5. Do NOT give this up, with consistent action progress will be made

 

3. Career

    1. I've gotten excellent performance reviews

    2. I've been called out personally by Jerome

    3. I've been awarded some company award which I didn't take advantage of

    4. I've proven to myself that I'm smart, capable, and can succeed professionally

What's working

    1. Hard work, focus, determination, cheerful positive attitude around coworkers

Notes

    1. This is currently  a difficult time career wise for me personally.  A lot of uncertainty and self doubt right now especially over the Holiday season.

    2. The above should not take away that you accomplished very good things at work in the past six months and you should be proud about that

    3. As you navigate your way going forward - do not lose hope.  Get yourself together, go back to work, try your hardest, remember the importance of consistent effort and a positive attitude.

    4. If you have to look for another job, do so with energy and positivity

    5. Your biggest problem is your mindset, overcoming self doubt, self confidence issues, fear, despair.  You need to do whatever it takes - meditate, journal, exercise, to maintain your focus and positivity going forward.

 

I love you and I believe in you.  Be strong.

Edited January 3, 2019 by Destiny

[Destiny]

We don't always succeed in what we try—certainly not by the world's standards—but I think you'll find it's the willingness to keep trying that matters most. It's not the honors and the prizes and the fancy outsides of life which ultimately nourish our souls. It's the knowing that we can be trusted, that we never have to fear the truth, that the bedrock of our very being is good stuff. That's what makes growing humanity the most potentially glorious enterprise on earth.

-Fred Rogers

[Destiny]

Today I’m grateful that I have a good relationship with my supervisor.  I’m grateful that I feel better today, more centered, and definitely less stressed out.  I’m grateful I took care of so many personal tasks yesterday and found ways to clear my mind.

 

Been listening to a lot of ambient music, it really helps to clear my mind, and I even meditate to it a little bit.  I started various projects in Ableton where I just play chord progressions for a long time using a synth patch and play those back during my meditations.  My hope is that eventually I’ll have a few of these that are good enough to post online.  Also I really like this album Selected Ambient Works Vol. 2 by Aphex Twin.

[Destiny]

So glad it’s Friday, it’s been a stressful week and I hardly worked this week, mostly taking care of my personal crap that has been causing me so much anxiety lately.  When I look at the intensity of the anxiety over the past week, it is not in relation to the actual immediate problems that I had to face that took so much anguish and meditation and self talk to force myself to deal with.  I definitely have some sort of inner block regarding facing problems in my life right now.  I was really on a roll for several months there with an intense period of productivity in the last quarter of the year.  Then the holidays roll around and I take some time off, and it takes all of this emotional energy for me to get back on track again.

 

Thinking about why I’m stuck in some important areas of my life.  Money, emotions around my ex wife and kids.  These two areas are tied up together because at this point all I am to my ex wife is like an ATM, someone she can harass until she receives money.  It’s causing me a ton of stress and anxiety, due to my PTSD around my ex, lawyers, the family courts, all of that bullshit.  Truth be told this has been the primary cause of a lot of anxiety and depression over the past couple of years.  Honestly I’m scared to death of it, and I don’t want to even think about it again, and anything that reminds me of my ex/money/lawyers/courts etc. is automatically extremely triggering.  Sometimes I’m able to function, I’ve even been able to function very productively over the past several months, but this area of my life still has the ability to freak me out so much that I can shut down entirely, like in the past week when I had to spend a huge amount of time and mental energy, meditation, self talk and contemplation - just to get myself to face these anxiety producing circumstances and just function again.  

 

So even if I’m able to force myself to get up and be productive again, it takes a ton of effort and anguish.  Which doesn’t leave a lot of energy for other things in my life that are important to me.  That’s how things like - my physical health, my friendships, balancing my freaking checkbook, cleaning the house - etc. etc. wind up not getting done.  Because I’m so shut down, or the energy it takes for me to not be so shut down is just too much and I don’t have enough energy to do anything else.  That’s how I go through periods when I feel like everything is in disarray and I can’t face it.  Is it any wonder I feel like I’ve been spinning my wheels?  Because I’ve been stuck on this issue, and it holds me back from building up momentum in other areas, like career, and figuring out ways to get ahead financially.  And most definitely being a good dad to my kids.  Honestly I hate my ex wife for this, I know that’s not positive.  I have to get past this.  I’ll write about this again later.

[Destiny]

I meditated last night really late, and I’ll probably meditate again after writing today.  Feel very on edge, more than yesterday.  Stayed up very late, couldn’t sleep, watched Atlanta on Hulu.  Thinking about things, getting lost in negative possibilities.  So much anxiety, I was on meds for a while but honestly I felt about as much anxiety on meds as I do right now, they didn’t really help all that much.  I was on a pretty strong dose of Celexa for depression and Wellbutrin for anxiety.  Maybe I needed it at the time, definitely things were much more uncertain over the past couple years with the court case, and I needed to do everything I could at the time to keep myself stable.  The meds hardly helped, I think.  It was still a horrible experience and I’m still stressed out about all the changes to this day.  It was still the hardest time in my life.  Who knows, maybe I would have killed myself if I wasn’t on meds.

 

Starting around early October I stopped taking them, mainly because I felt they didn’t really do much for me, and they had so many side effects.  The decrease in libido, which probably hurt my marriage, although my wife always seemed to not mind it very much, but who knows.  I’m actually still pretty low libido, or at least I’m not insanely horny all the time like I was in my 20s and 30s.  Holy crap, I was a sex maniac back then, all I thought about was hooking up with women, porn, the usual.  I’m not so much these days, it’s probably partly due to getting older.  Probably also to do with the fact that I have so many problems right now that sex isn’t the first thing on my mind anymore.  My kids are, also money and this existential struggle.  Fear of the future, fear of wasting my life, fear that I’m going to grow old and be a disappointment to my kids.  

 

The weight of the past bearing down on me.  I had issues with my father growing up, I struggled in school at times, despite the fact I was the most gifted person in the family.  This feeling I have not lived up to my potential, not knowing if I ever will even though I really want to.  I just don’t know if it’s possible.  That’s one of my big issues right now.  Is it even possible?  If some fortune teller could just tell me - yes, it is possible to achieve your goals, you just have to be strong and work hard and do  A B and C, and it will happen.  As it is I don’t even know if it’s already too late, or even possible - I’m just sort of blindly working hard, hoping that I’ll make some progress and learn a  few things and eventually I’ll find my way.

 

Oh yeah the main reason I stopped taking the meds - I saw my friend J. lose like 35 pounds last year after he went off his meds.  I was 40 pounds overweight myself, due to not taking care of my health the past couple of years, and I was starting to do things to take care of myself, eating better, not eating junk food or eating out every day.  Starting to go to the gym 5 times a week, this was in October.  I knew it would really frustrate the hell out of me if I put all of that effort into getting in shape again and the meds would prevent me from losing any weight.  So I’ve lost like 15 pounds since October, losing weight seems to be my easiest problem to deal with because the steps are pretty simple and I know if I just eat better and exercise I’ll get back to a decent weight fairly soon.  

 

It’s all these other things that I worry about so much.  The trading - I don’t even know how I’m going to start a successful day trading business - the task just seems so nebulous.  Like I don’t know how to advance my career because it all seems like networking at this point, whether someone will give you the chance to advance into management or something.  All I can do is work my ass off and hope that is enough, all while seeing people I know I’m better than advance at their particular jobs because they have connections or something.  It’s really frustrating.  I was really on the brink of being promoted at my last job and look what happened.  We wound up getting divorced and I was hospitalized, I was out for 6 weeks after my surgery.  All of those things really killed me at that job.  And now this job, I don’t know what’s going on at this current job.  All I can do is work hard and try to stay positive and have integrity and treat people well - but is that enough when people seem to advance so much based on connections?  I mean everyone I work with is extremely intelligent and are hard working, so to distinguish yourself you also have to be a people person and have a lot of self confidence.  I mean I never was a people person with self confidence, even before my divorce happened.  I have to become a better person than I ever was, at a time when I’m at the lowest I’ve ever been and I have all of these personal problems.

 

I love you, please stay strong.  Your kids love you.  Just make good choices and do what you should for another day.

[Destiny]

Trying to push through this sense of desperation and futility and into a sense of flow and equanimity.  Still experiencing a sharp feeling of anxiety that is very uncomfortable.  How to change my life?  Because this life I’m living right now is too painful, every day I’m in pain.  Yes it has been worse, much worse, but it’s still not a good way to live.  I don’t want to keep living this way but I don’t know if it’s even possible to change at this point for me, the task seems so enormous because I’m talking about changing patterns that have been with me since my childhood.  I know it is a mental game, fundamentally, to an extent it is taking steps 1 2 3 but beyond that it goes much deeper.  To change I have to change my beliefs about who I am, the nature of the world, and my ability to affect my own reality.  If I don’t change those things then I will not be able to push past this block in my life.

 

To change my life I have to change my thoughts and beliefs as they create my reality.  This is very difficult, people say - just be positive or just believe in yourself - a lot of times you can’t just decide to do these things on a dime, because we’re talking about changing our consciousness.  How to do this?  I’m trying to meditate, to journal, to take care of myself physically, to focus on the positive.  Our personality is how we think, how we feel, how we act.  I have to go beyond these current limitations to change my beliefs and my life.  Decide to let go of these things that are holding you back to transform your beliefs.  The guilt, shame, negativity.

 

You have to first become aware of this story you keep telling yourself about - being a victim, the guilt and shame, this fatalistic attitude you have about relationships and how you are treated by people, this image you have of yourself as an introvert.  Maybe you are unable to change these things immediately but by the practice of self reflection and meditation you are able to be aware of these unconscious beliefs, experience them, but recognize them as not necessary the only reality that could possibly be.  As you cultivate mindfulness you’re able to short circuit these patterns and begin to change them.  Your belief systems are the things that are holding you back.  All beliefs are true if you believe them to be true - our beliefs are reflected in our reality.  So change your thinking, I know this is very difficult to do sometimes.

 

Please be at peace, you are a child of the universe and when you take actions to cultivate a positive change in your life, the universe will support you.  No matter how alone you feel in this world, the isolation you feel in your mind is always a distortion of reality.  When you focus so much of your thinking on anger and guilt and shame and fear, what does that do.  You’re only hurting yourself, because you’re stuck in the past and diverting so much energy that could be used to cultivate peace in the present moment.  When you think about - why do bad things happen to me, is it some kind of karma?  Why am I stuck in life?  Why does it seem like I’m watching everyone else make progress and experience happiness and succession their lives, but I’m just stuck in my own life?  You’re only hurting yourself when you dwell on these types of thoughts.  When you continue to say things to yourself like - I really really want to get a promotion, or make more money, or do something great, you are contributing to this emotional blockage in your life, because there’s a dissonance there, this sense of things not being as you want them to be, a sense of lack - this creates dissonance and resistance and takes up emotional energy.

 

Allow yourself to experience your beliefs and emotions, this is the first step to start to change.  Ask yourself, could I let these beliefs and emotions go?  Would I let go of this emotion?  When will I let go of this emotion?  If you’re not ready to change at least just be aware of these steps, meditate on it and what it is exactly that’s preventing you from making a change.  If you can’t change right now just allow yourself to be how you currently are.

 

[Destiny]

I am grateful for being alive another day on this earth.  I am grateful that my daughter is out there and thinking of me, I am thinking of her too.  I am grateful that I’m in touch with my family and that they’re thinking of me.I am grateful for being alive another day on this earth.  I am grateful that my daughter is out there and thinking of me, I am thinking of her too.  I am grateful that I’m in touch with my family and that they’re thinking of me.

[Destiny]

When faced with overwhelming personal problems or a catastrophic loss, people react in different ways.  There are people who tend to be extroverted and try to forget their problems by entering into co dependent relationships or losing themselves in empty social pursuits like throwing themselves into going out to clubs.  Maybe these kinds of people develop alcohol problems or lose their identity in unhealthy ways in relationships.  

 

Some people who are introverted like me, will tend to latch on to grandiose ambitions or career goals.  These people become fixated on grandiose goals and devote themselves to their pursuit entirely.  Like the guy who’s obsessed with making a million in the stock market, or throw themselves into getting a promotion at work.  I’m not saying there’s not something to be said for a healthy sense of ambition, but this is dangerous for a number of reasons.

 

For one you may never make it for a multitude of reasons.  And then where are you?  Or you may achieve your goals and find that they didn’t fulfill you like you thought they would, or fix that broken part of you.  Sometimes you’re stuck with a whole new set of problems and feel like you’re still unhappy.

 

I’ve always had the tendency to place so much importance on career and money, I think because of the way I was raised.  At the same time I’m an introvert and always had trouble developing a group of supportive friends.  When you’re at a low point, have low self esteem, or feeling isolated, it’s easy to think that some grand career or financial goal is the answer to this feeling of unhappiness.  Especially in our materialistic society, it’s easy to think that money or status will fix everything.  You know in your heart this is not the case.

 

Work on yourself, and do healthy and productive things to take care of yourself.  Develop your career, it’s an important part of life, but don’t focus on materialistic goals entirely because money and status will not fix this lack that you feel spiritually.  It won’t heal your broken heart.  Maintain a healthy balance.

[Destiny]

“Our actions may be impeded...   But there can be no impeding our intentions or our dispositions. Because we can accommodate and adapt. The mind adapts and converts to its own purposes the obstacle to our acting.  The impeding to action advances action.  What stands in the way becomes the way.”

― Marcus Aurelius

*******

There are a few things to keep in mind when faced w a seemingly insurmountable obstacle.  We must try to be objective, to control your emotions and keep an even keel, to choose to see the good in a situation, to steady your names, to ignore what disturbs or limits others, to place things in perspsective, to revert to the present moment, to focus on what you can control.  This is how you see the opportunity in the obstacle, it does not happen on its own, it is a process.  One that results from self discipline and logic, and that logic is available to you - you just need to deploy it.

 

-from The Obstacle Is The Way

 

*******

I’m grateful for watching my kids swimming, for the opportunity to interview at new places.  I’m grateful that I made the decision to give up gaming temporarily.

 

*******

After a week of feeling horrendously bad after New Years, when my kids went back to their mothers for the second part of spring break, I took my mind off of all my troubles by gaming.  Gaming is fun, it’s the most effective way I know to divert my mind without resorting to drugs or alcohol.  I usually tell myself - you know, I am a compulsive gamer, but at least I’m not doing drugs.  That’s true, but I think I needed to be honest with myself.  I may not be physically harming myself when gaming so much, and the result is probably not so harmful to me that it destroys everything else in my life - but it’s still not a good idea.  Gaming is addictive and obsessive, you start to think about gaming even when not gaming, I mean there are websites and subreddits and online sites devoted to whatever game is your game of choice that you can pour over your obsession in detail.  Games are scientifically designed to trigger that type of habitual behavior in your mind.  

 

And that’s how in the past two years I became a middle aged guy who played endless hours of Elder Scrolls related games, Overwatch, Halo, Destiny, Nintendo Games, Zelda, whatever.  At my age I should not be interested in those things, except in my case I need something to take my mind off the emotional pain.  And I got hooked.  I’ve been good in the past few months, I’ve finished and or quit most of my games, I cancelled my subscriptions to various MMORPGs, and I basically just had one game, Destiny 2.  At this time I was able to be much more productive and I hadn’t played Destiny 2 for several months.  Well, ever since the New Years I’ve played  SHIT TON, I think because like I said, the holiday season is always very triggering for me nowadays since the divorce.  I’m always really emotional and sad and feel isolated from other people.  It’s a bad time usually for me.  So I played a lot of Destiny 2 over Christmas break.  But now I’m supposed to be back at work and resuming work on my various projects, and I’m still sort of in the Destiny frame of mind.  So I’ve felt really kind of out of it and distracted and unfocused lately.  I’ve been going to sleep later and later, gaming into the night.

 

Yesterday I decided to delete my Destiny 2 character.  Which was pretty difficult for me because I have worked on this character for literally years.  I did it though, surprised how much I had to agonize over that decision.  I immediately regretted it and started Googling ‘how to restore’ (it’s not possible).  So I guess I’ve made a decision now, I’m done with gaming in a real sense at least for the time being.  I think my only exceptions to this will be if my son wants me to play games with him on the Switch or something.  This should free up a lot of time and mental energy.

 

[Destiny]

My best friend from college wrote me today, he says he nearly killed himself.  I asked him what’s wrong and told him not to do it.  I don’t know what I can do for someone if I am struggling to take care of myself.

 

I’m grateful I’m going to see my kids today.  I’m grateful I still have a job and actively taking action to make my life better.

I’m grateful I at least know there is a way forward and a proper way to take action towards it, even if I don’t entirely believe it’s possible right now given my life circumstances and shitty mental state.

 

Honestly I really have to do something about the shitty mental state.  That’s a huge problem for me and affects every other aspect of my life.  I’m constantly worried about one thing or another, either that or I’m dreading some future event I’m not even aware of yet.  My mind is blocked by these thoughts and I’m not able to focus on the present.  I am probably distracted and irritable around other people.  It’s like, how can I build my professional networks that will assist me in growing my career if I’m this weird, troubled, loner type guy?  Why would I get ahead despite how good I am at my job when there are plenty of qualified people who do not have all my accumulated baggage and personal problems.

 

If I was just a single happy go lucky guy with no kids, my job would still be difficult.  It seems like the hardest thing to do, to function in a productive and positive manner, while taking care of myself and also cultivating a positive attitude towards myself and the future.  I have all of this stuff weighing me down, so much regret and sadness and guilt, so much worry.  

 

Then again like Leo says, it can be easy or it can be difficult.  You can struggle against this weight on your shoulders forever, but you can also just decide to let it go.  Just like that.  It doesn’t have to be a long drawn out process to arrive at thus point, I’ve definitely agonized over everything so much already.  Maybe I can just let it go, just like that.  I guess that’s one of the things I’ve been hoping meditation would allow me to see, but it hasn’t quite happened yet.

 

I’m still walking though my days, I try and I see hints of progress which is encouraging af least.  Maybe I’m not meditating enough or in the right way.  Maybe like the lady I met at the Meetup last week said, maybe I need to enroll in some meditation lessons.  Why can’t I do this myself without spending money on some lessons?  Honestly I’m fed up at this point with looking for help in other people.  I only really trust myself, my efforts, my judgement.  Maybe some books.  I don’t see why I have to pay some guru to tell me how to sit still and count my breaths.

 

Really cold, uncomfortably cold outside.  I’m trying to get back to a regular and reasonable sleep schedule after going overboard with that late night gaming the past few weeks.  Still on edge.  About a lot of the same things I’ve been writing about here.  I don’t believe in meds anymore, or other people.  I’m not even sure if my long time therapist is still helping me or even cares at this point.  If it’s really up to me to make a change I need to be extremely focused and mindful about how I act around other people going forward.  I need to work hard on the job.  I need to take care of my health and manage my household effectively.  Spend time with kids and manage my spirituality. Love and appreciate my kids.  Love other people, reach out to them.

[Destiny]

Trying to change myself for the better, trying to improve my financial and professional position, trying to be make friends and be a better father.  All of these things seem so difficult when I have so many personal and emotional problems.  It’s like trying to run a marathon with a broken ankle.

[Destiny]

 

[Destiny]

At least music going well.  Been spending time on this, and making progress on a couple of fronts.  Guitar playing is becoming more fluid, I’m basically coming back to music after more than two years off, and on top of that I’m kind of switching my focus from nylon string acoustic to steel string acoustic and rock music on electric guitar.  I’m pretty rusty, but it’s getting better I think.  Also recorded a few odds and ends and posted them to SC, which is sort of the one of the first steps to recording an album.  Also been creating tracks again in Ableton, have a couple that are good - as in they have potential to be arranged and mixed into a decent song that I wouldn’t mind using in an album context.  I work on music 1-2 hours a day, on average, more if I have time.  

 

Thinking of some goals for the coming year, or coming quarter in terms of music.  This would be for Q1

Consistent guitar practice, focusing on intermediate soloing/improvisation and creating basic tracks, layering rhythm parts with effects

Consistent intermittent research into producing techniques and guitar effects

Continue to record demo tracks and post to SC, have a few more of these posted by end of Q1

Continue to create ambient demo tracks, have a few more of these created by end of Q1

Continue learning covers, this is deprioritized but work on this if you want, reevaluate later

 

#######

 

Thinking about some goals in terms of music for the coming year, these can be adjusted later

Good progress in terms of solo rock album, at least 1-3 tracks that are acceptable at least to mixing and arranging stage with lyrics

Ambient album should be done by eoy

Objectively better at guitar in whatever way would help you produce original music

 

How sensitive and egotistical i am about my job.  I’m just in a really bad state and it all boils down to persistent thoughts in my head of, I don’t like what I’m currently doing, people aren’t moving fast enough, I’m not appreciated around here, I don’t like the direction that things are going in terms of what our team is responsible for.  Anxiety about looking for another job, thinking I don’t want to leave but I may have to due to financial pressures and personal issues.  All I do is worry worry worry.  It gets in the way of productivity, even me writing this out to get it out of my head gets in the way.

 

It is very well possible that I’m catastrophizing things way out of proportion, this has certainly been the case in the past and will again be in the future.  It’s only now after focusing consistently on meditation as much as I have, am I able to realize sometimes when I’m catastrophizing things.  Also when you have few friends it’s very easy to blow everything up in your head.  I’ve done it all my life.  Maybe the correct response is to continue to reflect and journal and push these thoughts out of your head so you can function.  Consider them lies or exaggerations you tell yourself in order to deal with overwhelming anxiety, it’s actually counterproductive because it saps your energy.  It’s not like worrying everything to death and working yourself up is the same thing as doing something about it.

 

Logic destroys anxiety.  If you break a problem down with questions and answers you eventually get to the source of the problem.

 

[Destiny]

I don’t like the obligation of having to write 3 pages every day, wondering how rigidly I want to stick with this routine of morning pages.  On the one hand, it’s very effective at helping me deal with anxiety because it allows me to get all these random thoughts out of my head.  On the other hand, once you run out of random thoughts, what do you write about?  You wind up repeating yourself a lot.  I think the answer is, get everything out, plans and all.  Revise plans.  Make sure to pay special attention to how you talk to yourself and the things that you think about, monitor how much of that is negative stuff and or whether or not you make sure that you are conscious of negativity and are trying to reframe negative thoughts.

 

When confronted by overwhelming anxiety and negative thoughts - conduct an exercise in reframing negative thoughts, analysis of problems. 

 

 Kids over this weekend, my damn anxiety and depression ruining everything everyone’s good time.  Is that true?  God damn my tendency to exaggerate and catastrophize.  I think being so isolated in my life has contributed to my tendency towards negativity.  Because you don’t have anyone to bounce ideas off of, your thoughts tend to amplify themselves.  The boy doesn’t mind or notice, he’s just always so excited to be with me.  I love that little kid, sucks he has a two day sleepover tonight. The little girl, I never know anymore, she’s just like her mom.

 

Related to feeling obligated to write - I used to feel the same about working out, low carb, and meditation - I’m ok with doing those things right now.  It took a while, a few months, to feel that way.  I’m a fast typist anyway.  The key is to take it easy on yourself and schedule it in.

 

Reviews at work this week, I’m not sure how I feel about this.  Honestly work has been the source of - I’d say 40.78% of my total anxiety at this point in time - it used to actually be something that helped my anxiety because I was doing so well.  Now I’m not so sure because of … everything that’s happened, and talking to the recruiter and now I have an interview next week.  I’ll use this opportunity during my review to get my supervisor’s opinion as I definitely have been going through a lot of personal stuff that may have been affecting my work, which contributes to all of the technical problems due to staffing changes and whatnot.  

 

But should  I be sharing my personal concerns?  Maybe it would put me in a bad light, maybe it would help.  Honestly I don’t know if I would have had that talk even with K.  Maybe I should post about this before my 1 on 1 this Wed.

 

==

 

2 guitar pedalboards, the first one is boutique, so why not just throw in the Strymon Timeline?

 

 

Strat

Ernie Ball MVP Volume Pedal

 

Boss TU-3 Tuner

Digitech Digiverb Reverb

Earthquaker Devices Westwood Overdrive

Earthquaker Devices Spires Fuzz

Boss CE-3 Chorus

MXR Carbon Copy Delay

Earthquake Devices Avalanche Run Delay/Reverb

 

or

 

Boss TU-3 Tuner

Fulltone OCD Overdrive

Digitech Digiverb Reverb

EHX Big Muff Distortion

Boss FZ-2 Hyper Fuzz

Boss CH-1 Chorus

MXR Carbon Copy Delay

Boss DD-7 Delay

Boss RV-6 Reverb

 

Boss RC-3 Looper

Fender Vibro Champ

 

 

[Destiny]

Ira Glass, host of This American Life, gave a great quote about creativity:

"Nobody tells this to people who are beginners, I wish someone told me. All of us who do creative work, we get into it because we have good taste. But there is this gap. For the first couple years you make stuff, it’s just not that good. It’s trying to be good, it has potential, but it’s not. But your taste, the thing that got you into the game, is still killer. And your taste is why your work disappoints you. A lot of people never get past this phase, they quit. Most people I know who do interesting, creative work went through years of this. We know our work doesn’t have this special thing that we want it to have. We all go through this. And if you are just starting out or you are still in this phase, you gotta know its normal and the most important thing you can do is do a lot of work. Put yourself on a deadline so that every week you will finish one story. It is only by going through a volume of work that you will close that gap, and your work will be as good as your ambitions. And I took longer to figure out how to do this than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s gonna take awhile. It’s normal to take awhile. You’ve just gotta fight your way through.”

==

"Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose  one’s own way." Viktor Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

==

I’ve just been so stressed out and on edge lately.  I know a lot of it has to do with this sense of anxiety about my job situation, which only developed quite recently.  Since I’ve been making daily efforts to take care of myself and get healthy, get my house in order so to speak, and do take productive action towards my various goals - this was in late September or early October I think - I started sort of coming out of a major depressive episode and started to - if not, recover a sense of hope for the future, at least begin to see a way through, and begin to stabilize myself.  Sometime in December I started realizing or changing my perspective about certain aspects of my current job and the business practices of my current company, which led me to conclude that it might be a good idea to at least entertain the idea of looking for a new job.  Which bums me out to no end, just totally depresses the hell out of me,  throws everything out of balance,  and raises my anxiety level to the point that it is now unmanageable.  Not to mention looking for a job is very time consuming and emotionally draining, and it will impact how much energy I’m able to devote to my personal goals and side business.

I used to think that I was doing an excellent job based on feedback and my general trajectory at work, I don’t feel that way anymore.  I mean I still feel like I’m doing an excellent job.  I just don’t know if my position will be around or not at the end of the year, and I don’t feel like my company treats their employees very well in terms of restaffing them at other positions if business priorities shift.  Throughout the past two years this job has really helped me in terms of providing a great place to work and a stable foundation for my life as I went through a horrible ugly divorce and now life as a single parent.  I really love this company in an abstract sense, probably more than any other job I’ve had, and I’ve given it my all.  I’m still sort of grappling with all of this.  Meanwhile, I’ve started to answer these calls I get all of the time from recruiters, sent out my resume upon request and now have some interviews lined up.  The process is starting.  I have one in a few minutes actually.

I’m grateful that I have a great resume and skillset and am a highly marketable job candidate.

I’m grateful I am a resilient strong person.

I’m grateful that despite all of my current worries and stress I can see a way through my current life situation.

[Destiny]

I’m grateful I got to see my son today in the morning, seeing his face always lights up my day.

 

I’m grateful I forced myself to finish that crappy song I was working on the past few days, after I finished it I immediately got an idea for a much better song and I laid the ideas down for it.  Sometimes you get ideas like this, after forcing yourself to explore other ideas.

 

I’m grateful interview went ok yesterday and I have some followup with the company in the Google building.  This one sounds like it might be a good opportunity.

 

Good news is that I think I’m getting back on a regular sleep schedule.  I forced myself to get about 7 hours the past few days, maybe less.  I’m not a person who requires a ton of sleep but I have to get at least 6-7 hours a night or at least be in bed trying to get to sleep.  Sometimes like last night I lay in bed for a long time, up to an hour or so, and I can’t fall asleep - but I already know myself and I force myself to just lay there, usually listening to ambient music or something and thinking about things until I fall asleep.  Starting to feel a lot better, the difference is pretty noticeable compared to the past couple of weeks.  I’m a lot less edgy and full of anxiety and racing thoughts about stuff like career insecurities, low self esteem, bad self talk, self recrimination, guilt, you get the idea.  Feels much better to just work and not have to struggle to stay focused.

 

Snowing like crazy, also pretty cold outside.  It’s really winter in Chicago now.  Wearing my big boots to work and heavy jacket.  

 

Don’t get me wrong, I definitely still have a ton of ups and downs, mostly downs.  Also my ups are not that ‘up’ and probably would be other people’s downs or ‘meh’.  I’m just happy I can function relatively well without driving myself crazy in the head.  I know everyone has their own problems that you don’t see, what was that quote - be kind to everyone, everyone’s going through their own internal dramas, etc.  I paraphrased that badly I think, but that’s the idea.  I know that everyone has their problems, but in order to pursue the goals I’ve defined for myself I need to be on top of my game as much as I can be.  Focused, able to function, full of energy, balanced, living in the present, staying positive as much as possible - or even when I notice myself thinking negatively I take steps to redirect my thoughts in a positive way.  I’ve always been sort of skeptical about pollyanna-ish type of stuff, but it’s just a fact that I’m not going to be able to achieve my goals until I am able to work my way out of this deep depression.

 

I’m in the middle of a really busy time at work, a lot of sort of beginning of the year planning and trainings.  Also in my personal life, I’ve been sort of swamped, and I’m a little out of balance, maybe a lot out of balance.  I have interviews now and they usually assign these two hour coding challenges that I have to do in my personal time.  It really eats into your free time after work and limits the time you can spend on side business and hobbies.  I guess I have to sort of power through them right now until I either get a job or arrive at a place where I’m comfortable with prospects for the future at my current position.  I’m kind of hoping maybe I’ll get some sign of positive progress and stability at my current job but I’m not holding my breath.  It would be great though, it would eliminate the need to go on interviews again which I hate, eliminate the need to spend all of this free time on interviewing, and make me feel better about devoting myself so much to the company for the past two years.

 

I’m feeling better today but today is going to be busy, I had to drop off my son’s gym shoes in the morning, I still have to clean the house and get groceries tonight and go to the gym, it’s going to be pretty busy.  I’m just going to sign off now, try to have a productive day cross everything off on my todo list.

[Destiny]

 

[Destiny]

You are scared of dying - and tell me, is the kind of life you lead any different than being dead?

-Seneca

 

==

 

Look at YouTube video for mixing levels,  all should max out at over -12db.

 

Look at YouTube video about clean tone in Fender amp simulation in Amplitube.  Dcomp is best compressor for this.

 

Start with input levels on guitar and affect of tone and volume knob on tone.

 

==

 

This is cool for me, full arrangement for a song that I consider worth keeping:

 

Nothing Makes Sense Anymore

EADGBE

Capo 4

 

Intro

Cadd9 F Am G

Cadd9 F Am G

 

Verse

Cadd9 F Am G

Cadd9 F Am G

Cadd9 F Am G

Cadd9 F Am G

 

Chorus

F G Am Cadd9

F G Am Cadd9

G Am 

G Am 

F

 

Verse

Cadd9 F Am G

Cadd9 F Am G

Cadd9 F Am G

Cadd9 F Am G

 

Solo

Cadd9 F Am G

Cadd9 F Am G

Cadd9 F Am G

Cadd9 F Am G

 

Chorus

F G Am Cadd9

F G Am Cadd9

G Am 

G Am 

F

Cadd9

 

Bridge

G Am

G Am

F

 

Verse

Cadd9 F Am G

Cadd9 F Am G

Cadd9 F Am G

Cadd9 F Am G

 

Chorus

F Am G Cadd9

F Am G Cadd9

G Am 

G Am 

F

Cadd9

 

Outro

G Am F

G Am F

G Am F

G Am F

Cadd9

 

==

 

I’m grateful I had that talk with my supervisor yesterday about promoting me in the near future and short term goals.  Made me feel a lot better about at least the current situation in my career.

 

I’m grateful I noticed how much of my anxieties are triggered by hypothetical possibilities, like this whole job and interviewing situation.

 

I’m grateful I get to see my kids today and that I have a good dinner and plans to watch Anime with them possibly tonight.

 

==

 

Oh yeah, grateful that we have a 3 day weekend, and I’m feeling pretty well rested, energetic, and motivated.  Grateful I have a song I don’t feel is worthless that I can keep working on and develop.

 

==

 

Feeling good (feline good, private joke).  Had a good and productive conversation with my supervisor that made me feel a lot better, alleviated a lot of the horrible persistent anxieties that have been plaguing me since last month when we had our end of the year company meeting and I learned of some coworkers that I was friends with getting laid off.  All of the rhetoric from the higher ups at my company and they did not do a good job of convincing me that the series of reorgs and layoffs of entire departments was planned and part of a larger strategy, because it still seems sort of like chaos to me now that entire teams that I considered essential are gone, and it all seemed driven by money.  Like we were going to great lengths to cut costs, all while our executive team keeps bragging about our 9 figure bank balance.  Basically translates to this resentment and feeling that my company does not value its employees.  I’ve been writing about the same issues for weeks now.

 

Anyways I sort of recommitted myself to my current job because they’re talking about promoting me soon.  I don’t think I have the bandwidth to interview and conduct an extensive job search, and at the same time double down my efforts at my current job to put myself in the best position for promotion.  There’s just not enough time in the day and I don’t have the energy to do those things at once.  I’m actually sort of relieved, I wrote about this earlier.  I’d much rather be working hard at my current job than going on interviews to change jobs and be essentially in a similar situation at another place.

 

Busy time, working out, meditating, working on music.  I have a busy night tonight, kids are over and there’s some paperwork with my apartment that I have to file.  Not much day trading going on this week yet, and my new friend I met in the trading view over the weekend has been writing me about our project together.  I do have the long weekend.  

[Destiny]

I’ve been writing and recording music for several years, I have an EP up on Bandcamp of mainly electronic music. For this new project I’m working on I wanted to switch it up and do more guitar based Indie dreampop music. Think stuff like Beach Fossils or Wild nothing first albums. My hope is to put together an EP worth of this style of music on Bandcamp just for fun and or maybe get a band together and play shows.

I have a Fender strat and P bass and a small solid state Fender champ, no pedals. I do most of my arranging and mixing in Ableton, I program the drums and synths and record guitar and bass DI through my Scarlet 2i2 using Amplitube in Ableton. My guitar sound is basic clean sounding Fender with light OD delay and Reverb. The songs are starting to come together but starting to question my approach.

The mixes are sounding decent but pretty demoish in quality. I’m not the best producer and I don’t know if it’s me or my equipment. A lot of the music I hear on BC seems higher quality in terms of production. Then again I wasn’t satisfied w the sound of my first EP til I had it properly mastered. I was thinking of bringing in some high end guitar mixing plugins like Waves CLA to give the guitars a more high quality sheen.

Then I thought maybe my problem is I’m recording guitars w amp sims and maybe I should upgrade my equipment and use a mic to record me playing through a quality amp. I was thinking maybe use a good tube combo amp and some pedals instead running everything through Amplitube. Then I priced everything out and new amp and pedals can get pricey depending on what you get. I also live in an apartment and can’t really treat the walls.

Wondering if anyone had opinions on this. I want the EP to sound good, not sure if I can get the sound I want if I just up my mixing game. Should I just make do w what I’ve got or do I need to upgrade from Amplitube if this is going to be an EP that sounds good compared to stuff on Bandcamp?

Edited January 19, 2019 by Destiny