Spiraling Down Hill

[Derp]

Hello All,

Something’s got to give. I’ve been suffering from depression for about 6 months now. I just don’t know how to pinpoint my issue and where it stems from. At this point I feel like it’s EVERYTHING and in order to fix it, everything must change. There are surface vices like masturbation, binge-watching TV, to eating unhealthy, to over-caffination. But then there are some of the deeper issues like – am I happy with the decisions I’ve made in my life, are my relationships and career and life path fulfilling to me, or do I subconsciously yearn for something else and I’ve stuffed it down beyond recognition? It’s all very tricky and I have no idea where to begin with this self-examination. I’ve tried to pray, and to meditate. It helps, but I have this annoying inability to stick to any healthy routines/regiments. I always become so discouraged when I fail – even when I catch myself slipping from a healthy habit – I just push the thought away… always in search for that dopamine educing reward of the next unhealthy activity. I’ve been doing therapy, and attend a support group twice a week – I have a confidant, and others I talk to about various issues. I try to be in service to others whenever I can, but nothing ever lasts. I keep thinking that this wasn’t how I used to be in the past – I used to have goals, and dreams, and a vision for how I want my life to look. I used to bust my ass and celebrate my wins – however small they were. I feel like I achieved a lot for a 25 year old - I have a very high paying commission based job, I’m married to an amazing woman, we own our own home in the bay area CA, and are always being told that we are light years ahead of our peers. But one day, something inside me broke. I started to spiral downhill. Nowadays, I’m just struggling to cling on to some sliver of happiness and motivation to keep going. I’ve stopped working as hard at my job; my marriage is basically evenings on the couch in front of the TV. I’m under mounting pressures financially, economically, and spiritually. I’ve had lingering thoughts lately about ending my life – always fleeting and never serious, but the idea is there. It would be irresponsible and selfish to do, but at least the life insurance policy will take care of my loved ones and eliminate the financial burden. What a fucked up way to think about life. So here I am. Thanks for letting me share.

[Guest]

And thank you for sharing!

I've been in your shoes. I'd like to give you some advice but I don't think it's wise to give you any while you are seeing your therapist.

Still, not sure if you're in therapy being treated for the depression, or did the depression come on after the engaging in the process?

If your situation is the latter then you might just be experiencing the therapy doing what it's supposed to be doing.

 

 

[Soumya]

@Derp

I was facing the same , and I had been in that stage for about one year until I decided to change things last week

 You already have achieved a lot in life. You have a brilliant career , you have an amazing wife. There's this vacuum created ahead of you because -you want to progress in life, there's nothing wrong in it. But may be you first need to find out what do you exactly want to do!

4 hours ago, Derp said:

But one day, something inside me broke. I started to spiral downhill. Nowadays, I’m just struggling to cling on to some sliver of happiness and motivation to keep going.

What exactly went wrong? Try questioning yourself , be aware of how you feel , what kind of emotions are generated.

*One week back I started writing a journal in the forum, before that I was sure that I was in depression. But while I wrote my thoughts, I could understand what exactly was wrong. Why do I feel anxious, why am I so disinterested in things, what do I exactly want from my life! Since, I have started following a disciplined life style , I am connected with many positive things around me. I fail at things but I take it easy. I love myself and the fact that I am slow at things doesn't hurt me anymore. *

4 hours ago, Derp said:

I’ve had lingering thoughts lately about ending my life – always fleeting and never serious, but the idea is there. It would be irresponsible and selfish to do, but at least the life insurance policy will take care of my loved ones and eliminate the financial burden.

*I had tried to end my life thrice, but I got a second chance. A brilliant second chance! Not everyone gets that. *

You need to give yourself a second chance. You loved ones need you, not the insurance policy. Put yourself in their shoes. I am sure you know it all.

Life requires more than knowledge. It needs intense feeling and constant energy, to make that knowledge come alive right action is needed. Like a young child ,freshly respond to each moment , without expectations!The truth is bitter ,but the truth is- everyone will advice you, you would love their advices , ponder over it for a moment, feel temporarily motivated, but again you will fall back in the emotional trap. Start taking some serious actions. If you lack clarity , reach out for help ! But keep it in mind, you have to do it all yourself. Start small , but start! If you can't run , then walk, if you can't walk then crawl but don't stop. The day you stop - life will happen to you ,and you won't make life happen to you!

Believe in your self first, with courage and commitment every thing is possible. If your beliefs don't match with your habits then try to find out why! If your habits don't match with your strategies , make them coherent. Your vision->goal-> strategies-> plans->habits->beliefs all need to be in complete harmony with each other.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world"- Mahatma Gandhi

Take care!

[Nathalie]

@Derp

11 hours ago, Derp said:

eliminate the financial burden.

??

Didn't you wrote a few lines abow this:

11 hours ago, Derp said:

I achieved a lot for a 25 year old - I have a very high paying commission based job, I’m married to an amazing woman, we own our own home in the bay area CA, and are always being told that we are light years ahead of our peers

Are you possibly overburdened? 

It's so difficult to give a good advice when you don't really know the person and his life situation.. Maybe it's always difficult..

You could, for example, watch some videos from Eckhart Tolle, he was depressed for years before he became a spiritual teacher and his statements are so profound..

He uses to say that the mind needs stories in order to feel bad. The idea is to tell yourself no stories but stay present with what really happens in the moment(even if it's for just for a while) and appreciate what is.

It means, use your senses, look around you, hear the sounds, feel the air, your body.

When a thought comes up, look at it but don't follow it, it's only a story.. it isn't true! Go back to the present (not to what you think about the present)

Step by step you may recognize by coming what your real goals are and come back to a vital life.

Because when you start to listen to the  voice of your needs it becomes louder so that you can hear it much better after a while.

I wish you the best

 

 

[JimmySmalls]

Eckhart tolle is good advice. I recommend you get the book 'Feeling good' By Dr David Burns. It's self-done cognitive behaviour therapy with some great insights and real practical helpful advice. Our suffering is caused by our thoughts, and there are ways we can work with them to lessen suffering / improve happiness. It talks about a shit load of great topics from do-nothingism to self-esteem, approval seeking, perfectionism, love addiction and more. A huge number of our thoughts are illogical / inflated / distorted without us even realising until we disengage from them. I think this book will help you out, its cheap on Amazon.

On 11/03/2016 at 1:46 AM, Derp said:

but I have this annoying inability to stick to any healthy routines/regiments

We all still have a very active primitive part of the brain in a modern world. It can't see past the short-term so positive habits that will help us in the future are a no go when we're identified with this part of our brains impulses. The key is to be able to recognise the impulse to put things off as the primitive mechanism to minimise effort and also probably a habit conditioned from the past. This then gives us a choice to follow the impulse or choose a different option from a different place of mind. Meditation helps with this by building awareness.

Also it helps to reframe the situation (or any situation) as something you want to do rather than something you order yourself to do. This takes away the pressured slave mentality mindset and the procrastination that comes with it. Here's a great video on it. You can skip to 22mins if you want the main point, but he puts it well.

Our brains are luckily highly adaptable (brain plasticity). Over time they get re-wired so any habit you carry out for a few weeks gets ingrained deeper and deeper in our subconscious. This makes positive habits way easier and more automatic to carry out in the future, often all that's needed is the initial momentum.

I think its good to feed your mind some positive knowledge / inspirational stuff every day to give it something to play with instead of over-analysis and negativity building up and looping around. It's a good idea to start each morning with an inspirational video or a good audiobook loaded up on your phone, often I find it helps align my actions right. Maybe even addict yourself to positive information intake instead of negative intake. 

RSDtyler relevant video about downward & upward spirals

Elliot hulses older videos

great video

If there's one thing to take away from this post it's to read Feeling good. It's as effective if not more effective than taking antidepressents proven by studies. It also lasts longer as anti-depressants are usually just a temporary fix where this helps to create real changes in daily living.

Edited March 12, 2016 by JimmySmalls