Hello All,
Something’s got to give. I’ve been suffering from depression for about 6 months now. I just don’t know how to pinpoint my issue and where it stems from. At this point I feel like it’s EVERYTHING and in order to fix it, everything must change. There are surface vices like masturbation, binge-watching TV, to eating unhealthy, to over-caffination. But then there are some of the deeper issues like – am I happy with the decisions I’ve made in my life, are my relationships and career and life path fulfilling to me, or do I subconsciously yearn for something else and I’ve stuffed it down beyond recognition? It’s all very tricky and I have no idea where to begin with this self-examination. I’ve tried to pray, and to meditate. It helps, but I have this annoying inability to stick to any healthy routines/regiments. I always become so discouraged when I fail – even when I catch myself slipping from a healthy habit – I just push the thought away… always in search for that dopamine educing reward of the next unhealthy activity. I’ve been doing therapy, and attend a support group twice a week – I have a confidant, and others I talk to about various issues. I try to be in service to others whenever I can, but nothing ever lasts. I keep thinking that this wasn’t how I used to be in the past – I used to have goals, and dreams, and a vision for how I want my life to look. I used to bust my ass and celebrate my wins – however small they were. I feel like I achieved a lot for a 25 year old - I have a very high paying commission based job, I’m married to an amazing woman, we own our own home in the bay area CA, and are always being told that we are light years ahead of our peers. But one day, something inside me broke. I started to spiral downhill. Nowadays, I’m just struggling to cling on to some sliver of happiness and motivation to keep going. I’ve stopped working as hard at my job; my marriage is basically evenings on the couch in front of the TV. I’m under mounting pressures financially, economically, and spiritually. I’ve had lingering thoughts lately about ending my life – always fleeting and never serious, but the idea is there. It would be irresponsible and selfish to do, but at least the life insurance policy will take care of my loved ones and eliminate the financial burden. What a fucked up way to think about life. So here I am. Thanks for letting me share.
