The attached victim

[Ida]

This is going to be very victim oriented, because that's pretty much where I am. But also will I be shameful honest. So I just want to tell about my problems, not that I don't have any solutions, Im working on it all  

Today my biggest problems feels like being my social limitations, my weight and my fails on completing my projects. So when I got in puberty my social anxiety started. I slowly lost my childhood friends while I was dealing with sweating, shaking and heartbeating in social context. I also had some hyperventilation problems a few times. But to explain; it was something about getting up from my seat in the train to get off, that made my heart race. So I didn't really have friends at the time. But a guy, when I was 16years old, from my school (ehm and this is a school for all ages), he kind of liked me. But this got complicated as he too has his own problems; with insecurities but resulting in anger, he wasn't social shy. But I was veeeery shy against him, so it make sense we didn't became close. 

I guess the thing about being shy is very typical, but the thing that made me loose my weight(loosing 10 kg), making me underweight, was my sacrifice of own needs when I lived in a cabin with this guy. It was a mix of my insecurities and a scratch in my ass that did it. To talk about the scratch: Maybe you know what Im talking about, it hurts so freaking bad to shit with a scratch in your ass.. so I wanted to avoid that, so I controlled my food intake. I did visited the doctor with this, unfortunately they misdiagnosed me, so I lived with the issue for a year. But we had another "problem", the grocery was pretty long away from us, and we were lazy pot-smokers, so when he was talking about hoping to get some of the dinner with him at work next day, I wouldn't take another dish after the first. Im not blaming him anything though, this was my own responsibility, and I was not very old. Anyways. Also I was very in love with him, and we had SOOO bad communication. We had sex and played games and was alone, I loved it. But I was afraid to confront him with being a couple and I just missed intimacy in our communication. So I became more and more miserable because of that. This got me into a mild depression. 

Im still very much of a people pleaser, and still training to put myself first. But to continue: Time went on till I once got the courage to ask my friend if he wanted anything serious with our relationship. Very awkwardly he answered that he just saw it as a little fun. And I was more relieved of my own courage than disappointed of his answer. But even though this was what I thought would end my depression, to have his answer, my mood didn't change. I didn't stop seeing him, and we continued sex once in a while. Actually we saw each other every day. This was the time where I began searching up about depression, and found the video on why Im I depressed of Leo. Soo, time went on, I was feeling bad, I was watching videos, I began feeling better. This whole time I have been very unmotivated and blunt (also by not eating enough). Everyone knows it takes something to change lifestyle, and I've got used to not eating much. 

But I got better at telling my friend what's on my mind, and I got lesser and lesser shy in front of him. Im still prioritizing against my authenticity, which is where I am on that aspect. In the social context I have moved a lot, but Im still not outgoing. I have more contacts open even though non is actual my friends (yet). So this is where I am on the social scale and on my weight issue. To conclude on my relationship and on the not-completing-projects issue:

Not long ago me and my friend had a conversation where we got completely honest and I was talking about not feeling good enough but used, because he rejected me that time long ago. And his point of view was that we HAD become lovers/partners, that it wasn't something people agreed on, but something just happening. It blowed my mind a little, but I didn't agree, in my mind had we never been a couple, and actually would it also be a very bad idea to even consider it. So even though we are two very dependent persons with issues up over our ears, and I know people would say we should leave each other, and maybe it will happen, I also feel like becoming stronger in saying no to meeting up with him, and talking honestly about my thought (which is inspired from here). Even though I would get so much more out of my development if I made a clear cut now. And this was very nice to write, even though it's probably so obvious how much Im holding myself back. And I guess my motivation to get healthy and finish projects would also improve if I used more energy on my development. 

So this is where I am and a little of my story taking action over four years. I hope for all the best for you and myself. I got a lot of visions, interests and love for life, even though it sounded sad, but maybe just to my own mind, because I AM that victim who feels bad for myself, so of course do I think it's sad... lol - But that is also great motivation I think.

Edited February 7, 2016 by Ida

[LifeLife]

Fuck yeah Ida! The fact that you are even thinking about bettering yourself is such a huge step in itself. I went through depression and social anxiety, I know how much it sucks, but you will overcome it, sometimes its just a phase we're passing through even if it feels like its going to last forever  enjoy this beautiful experience called life ! You ARE beautiful!

Stay positive and keep going ! I believe in you!

Peace and love x

[Ida]

You are so very kind, thank you! Love and peace to you too

[Clayman]

Go strong girl, \m/ 

[DanoDMano]

On ‎2‎/‎7‎/‎2016 at 8:03 AM, Ida said:

This is going to be very victim oriented, because that's pretty much where I am. But also will I be shameful honest. So I just want to tell about my problems, not that I don't have any solutions, Im working on it all  

Today my biggest problems feels like being my social limitations, my weight and my fails on completing my projects. So when I got in puberty my social anxiety started. I slowly lost my childhood friends while I was dealing with sweating, shaking and heartbeating in social context. I also had some hyperventilation problems a few times. But to explain; it was something about getting up from my seat in the train to get off, that made my heart race. So I didn't really have friends at the time. But a guy, when I was 16years old, from my school (ehm and this is a school for all ages), he kind of liked me. But this got complicated as he too has his own problems; with insecurities but resulting in anger, he wasn't social shy. But I was veeeery shy against him, so it make sense we didn't became close. 

I guess the thing about being shy is very typical, but the thing that made me loose my weight(loosing 10 kg), making me underweight, was my sacrifice of own needs when I lived in a cabin with this guy. It was a mix of my insecurities and a scratch in my ass that did it. To talk about the scratch: Maybe you know what Im talking about, it hurts so freaking bad to shit with a scratch in your ass.. so I wanted to avoid that, so I controlled my food intake. I did visited the doctor with this, unfortunately they misdiagnosed me, so I lived with the issue for a year. But we had another "problem", the grocery was pretty long away from us, and we were lazy pot-smokers, so when he was talking about hoping to get some of the dinner with him at work next day, I wouldn't take another dish after the first. Im not blaming him anything though, this was my own responsibility, and I was not very old. Anyways. Also I was very in love with him, and we had SOOO bad communication. We had sex and played games and was alone, I loved it. But I was afraid to confront him with being a couple and I just missed intimacy in our communication. So I became more and more miserable because of that. This got me into a mild depression. 

Im still very much of a people pleaser, and still training to put myself first. But to continue: Time went on till I once got the courage to ask my friend if he wanted anything serious with our relationship. Very awkwardly he answered that he just saw it as a little fun. And I was more relieved of my own courage than disappointed of his answer. But even though this was what I thought would end my depression, to have his answer, my mood didn't change. I didn't stop seeing him, and we continued sex once in a while. Actually we saw each other every day. This was the time where I began searching up about depression, and found the video on why Im I depressed of Leo. Soo, time went on, I was feeling bad, I was watching videos, I began feeling better. This whole time I have been very unmotivated and blunt (also by not eating enough). Everyone knows it takes something to change lifestyle, and I've got used to not eating much. 

But I got better at telling my friend what's on my mind, and I got lesser and lesser shy in front of him. Im still prioritizing against my authenticity, which is where I am on that aspect. In the social context I have moved a lot, but Im still not outgoing. I have more contacts open even though non is actual my friends (yet). So this is where I am on the social scale and on my weight issue. To conclude on my relationship and on the not-completing-projects issue:

Not long ago me and my friend had a conversation where we got completely honest and I was talking about not feeling good enough but used, because he rejected me that time long ago. And his point of view was that we HAD become lovers/partners, that it wasn't something people agreed on, but something just happening. It blowed my mind a little, but I didn't agree, in my mind had we never been a couple, and actually would it also be a very bad idea to even consider it. So even though we are two very dependent persons with issues up over our ears, and I know people would say we should leave each other, and maybe it will happen, I also feel like becoming stronger in saying no to meeting up with him, and talking honestly about my thought (which is inspired from here). Even though I would get so much more out of my development if I made a clear cut now. And this was very nice to write, even though it's probably so obvious how much Im holding myself back. And I guess my motivation to get healthy and finish projects would also improve if I used more energy on my development. 

So this is where I am and a little of my story taking action over four years. I hope for all the best for you and myself. I got a lot of visions, interests and love for life, even though it sounded sad, but maybe just to my own mind, because I AM that victim who feels bad for myself, so of course do I think it's sad... lol - But that is also great motivation I think.

@Ida Hi Ida. Love the post and thanks for sharing.

Here's what you need to ask yourself. Is this relationship at a dead end? Is this relationship helping my personal growth or stalling it. If we stay together where do I hope to be in one year, three years, five years?

Are you simply procrastinating the inevitable outcome? Perhaps your not ready for the real answers. But that's ok as long as you've acknowledged it. Maybe there are things you need to get in order before you move forward in your life. That's ok too as long as you take action in doing so, then when your ready (self-confident) to do make the move. Just don't settle for anything that doesn't bring you happiness and contentment. You have a journey to fulfill. You just have to ask yourself if you want him along for the ride. Good luck.

[Ida]

Thank you for your answer. I do feel very mindfull about it. It's some good questions you suggest to me. At the moment Im reading The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida. I identify myself very much at page 123, as the one becoming happy in the "bad" circumstances. I can recommend the book if you haven't read it  

[ZenMonkey]

I too come from a background of depression and social anxiety. Actually this is was what brought me into personal development and spirituality. So today I am really grateful for both. Those experiences where like a wakeup call and taught me soooo much!

So even though you did't ask for advice I would like to share how I went through both. Maybe there is something beneficial for you in it.

So first depression: After four month in a clinic and half a year of therapy there was not really a brake through. That was when I came across Eckhart Tolle. I watched a lot of videos and read his book. Long story short: eventually I realised that my mind was creating my depression. I was lying in my bed thinking: "Everything is so bad", "I hate myself", "I am so sad" etc. But non of these thoughts were really true. They were just imaginary stories I was telling myself. As soon as I realised that my depression was gone. I even put off my medication what made my doctors go crazy. But nothing serious happend. There were still feelings of sadness left though. But I just felt them, accepted them and didn't judge them as bad. Because I didn't put any energy into them they couldn't last as well.

There is one guy on youtube who does a great job in explaining this. He is called Noah Elkrief and well worth watching.

 

Social anxiety: I still had my social anxiety. That was when I came across a video of Noah Elkrief for the first time. It was about social anxiety and he explains it very well. You believe in the opinions of other people. But in the end those opinions are just that. Opinions. They don't tell you anything about yourself. He uses this example: If somebody likes a song, is the song god or bad? Neither of them, it's just preference. Secondly you have a self image. And other people could disprove it. That's what we are afraid of. That we don't get proof for our self image. But in the end our self image also is just an imaginary story. Noah's example goes like this: if I ask you where is your nose, you can show it to me. But when I ask you where is intelligent, good, stupid, cool etc. you can't show it to me because it's just some story in you mind.

But he probably explains it a lot better. It's well worth watching. (As well as all his other videos):

 

 

And it's also about going out and "fake it till you make it."

[Ida]

Hmm. So today Im skipping school. I got on the bus and when I was supposed to get off, I didn't move. I had some weird pain in my body and I haven't had enough breakfast, I would be dizzy and not focused. But another reason is also my mood, maybe being the cause of the two other reasons. I will tell about my yesterday and some other thoughts. 

So my friend (the guy from the other story) had invited some of his family home, much because his mother wanted to see me again. So I had told him the day before that I would help with the cleaning of the kitchen in his appartment where there had become very messy (due to both of us). So I start at 13:00, it takes me two hours, and I continue with other cleaning in the appartment. He is stressed when he come home. He chose some complicated food to make and is busy, the guest will arrive at 18:00. Soo he is all over the place complaining, annoyed that he have to use all the things that had just been cleaned, because he will hate to do it again. I help him with the food, he complains as usual, and we get done maybe at 19:00. Sooo yeaah, the guests are talking about my friend's sister's boyfriend, how outgoing he is and how that is nice. Me and my friend heard it from the kitchen, and he comment that I should just talk... I say I don't like to feel pressed and I don't want to live up to others expectations. So it didn't start out good. I never said much, and his mother also commented that I should just interrupt. Well when the guest leaved, my friend was annoyed that I wasn't impressed of the food. I made the half of it, and he chose it. I have some eating problems, and in general do my own family make a little different food which I prefare, so I was honest and said I didn't really care much about it, it tasted fine though. Ahh! Problem. I don't remember how, but in ten minutes it ended out with that I should move my teapot and my menstrual bands(or what it's called). I got in bed early and felt like shit. Normally I can take his bad attitude, but it was too much right here. I felt people don't like me for who I am. I felt not accepted. I felt lonely. I thought about angry adults in my childhood. I thought about my innocence and willpower. I thought about how fake I feel we all are. I thought about how I don't want to be anywhere and maybe just not existing, at least as this person I am now. But also I have been visualizing and fearing too much on how people will kill me. I thought about how I could feel I was victimizing myself, and how I didn't like it. I thought about my whole situation and how everything would be if I stopped seeing him, because I really like some of his friends, and Im afraid that I will have no one. Even though I think I will manage, and I think some of them will see me anyway. I hate how he is annoyed inside and when his family come he seems turning the "trying to" niceguy outwards. It is a problem for me that he has that temper. For some time I have accepted it and roll eyes and ignored his comments. But last night I really saw that I can't deal with it. It takes on me, and I don't think it's worth much anymore. So my plan is to talk(write) with him this afternoon, and just tell him what I think. There is a lot to say.

It was funny his family talked about how inmates in prison in U.S get calls from danish girls who want to be their lovers/girlfriends. And they couldn't reason it. "Danish men didn't call the women in prison to hook up with them... hø hø" Until one said that girls have that mother instict where they want to save a guy. And I felt like a fool. 

My plan today is nothing but development. Im going to continue reading my book Radical Honesty, and I will do some more writing on my feelings and thoughts. I should add eating to that plan. 

I feel sad and tired, but I feel less attached right now. It's like it have gone too far. It was nice to hear my mothers smiling laugher when I got home this morning :b 

Edited March 9, 2016 by Ida

[Irina Irina]

@ZenMonkey I have the same issue. The thing is that I focus unconsciouslly so much on what I don't want, on lack, on limitations and that's creating all these problems. When I shift my thoughts on the things that I would like to experience, or the feelings I would like to experience then it becomes so clear that what you focus on, becomes true for you.

[Ida]

Positive update

I have just got taken blood tests today. I got a "proof" from my doctor so I can take to a professional gynecologist for free. I got an appointment with a therapist sunday. And I might get my first job (which is not about my previously atempt to become a gardenere) this thursday! So things are going pretty smooth today :'D

I'm being ambitious about my future and I love to make plans. Right now I'm thinking about buying some land in Sweden and get another dog to be with me in the forests <3 I will use the time in a house(hopefully homemade) where I can study some of the stuff I want. Something about contructing schoolsubjects and more. 

Aaaand I have signed up for studying dance for half a year at my school in Copenhagen. Dance provide exercise, but it's really a way of expressing my nature and excitement of majesty. Uuuh and the costumes I can make! Oh and I want to do more mental peacework to be even more grounded. 

And of course I am reading my books and watching Leo's videos, I really love the content!