Self cuss out during noticing thoughts

[Alex K]

Hi All,

Upfront, my question is: what would you say about such mind phenomenon? How to go about effectively resolving it? Or should I supress/ignore it somehow (I think this would be wrong) ? Thanks!

I've noticed quite a while ago that when I decide to practice auto think / noticing thoughts, after some days matters are "auto discussed", my inner talker proceeds to tell me to f*ck myself in dosens of differnet ways, lots of other degrading things.

My intuition/understanding is that it can be from stored decades of experiences of misery and "lower self" now needs to purge this all. Also I have a thought that this "lower self" was alone all this time and my "aware self" only started to grow couple years ago and now my "old more unconscious self" gives my "new self" some kind of a boot camp / stress test. Also it maybe "holds a grudge" against my "more aware self" that for it life is so much easier without negative emotions overwhelming it daily and also for that it wasn't there for that "older sef" through all that decades.

Anyhow, my understanding of mind suggests that this struggle goes even when I do not notice and consumes a large chunk of my mind vital energy so I think this needs to be resolved.

So, my simplest intuition is to let it naturally flow out like a pus. I've done very little noticing like this because it's rather straining and scary to me to hold through this waves, as I understand that thoughts can shape us and maybe it letting loose can contribute like some "negative affirmations". So I've done probably 3-10 hours of such noticing through the last year.

Today I did like a whole hour nonstop and this flood never stopped or diminished. Nonetheless, towards the end of it I felt emotions/belief that I'm no good for anything, which I've "emotional healed" right there couple of times with acknowledging/self love/breathing, there is a lot of it still in there thou I feel.

Finally, I'm posting a topic for this now because since the middle of December I started to notice that this kind of self cursing started to show up in my normal "Do Nothing" meditation, which it never did before.

 

Love

Edited January 10, 2018 by Alex K

[DoubleYou]

Ive had something like this before. When I started meditating, the mind would try to come up with all these horrible things to think about. 

Maybe instead of focussing on the content of the thought, try to notice the feelings that arise with it. And with that, try to separate the thought from it and fully experience the feeling in the body. This way you can use these thoughts as a way to become more conscious. The exact opposite of what the thought is trying to accomplish. And therefor, it might stop.

 

Edited January 10, 2018 by DoubleYou

[Alex K]

@DoubleYou Ok I'm trying that. In addition it means, it's time for me to start real work on mindfullness ;)).

Edited January 10, 2018 by Alex K

[FirstglimpseOMG]

Hi beautiful beings. That internal narrative that beats up on itself as it realizes it's being a limited, small-minded, reactive (as opposed to being 'responsive'), shitty-assed dickwad about the smallest things in it's day is an early aspect of conciousness-raising that I am thoroughly familiar with and I continue to struggle with. 

It's actually kind of cute when you begin to recognize that it's just the same ego-centric self-narrative voice in your head having a wee identity crisis while it interrogates or admonishing itself. It just snuck in the back door and joined with itself for a quick little conference when you weren't looking. (To paraphrase Eckart Tolle, I'm not that clever myself, lol).

To help you relate or to clarify context I will happily share a few awesome (eww) mini-convos I often entertain in my headspace, often out loud it seems (even more entertaining). BTW - it's fun when you are alone, doing dishes, but I might advice against the out-loud thing in the presence of others. Shinzen Young  might smile & wink if he overheard you but most folks will slowly shuffle away, avoiding eye-contact, maybe see if you have a cup so they can toss a few coins in to help you through your day, lol. D'oh! 

*** "Well that was a brilliant move, you half-wit dipshit, now look what you've done.. have fun undoing that while you deal with the fallout... REAL smooth, dummy." ***

*** "Oh that's real nice there, mister spirituality, maybe we can disparage or name-call, or play the blame game with anyone else we perceive to have slighted us in the past, today, or next week even, regardless of the crappy feeling-tone it produces - that I'm pretty much guaranteed to want to spread around a little.. it's download-day I guess, who can we existentially shit on next, do you think, mister 'I'm so on the path? Nice work, half-witticus-dipshiticus!" *** (Notice the voice talking to itself as if there's ANOTHER ego that's less-than the primary ego-mess. How many people are in there!??)

It really doesn't seem much different than unconscious religeous-based self-flagellation.

But there's a way out, a way to notice your 'small 's' self doing this and to turn it on it's own tail constructively...

Do the same thing, but treat your ego with loving kindness. Make it a conscious admonition, not an unconcious, reactive, old mold 'giving shit to yourself' kind of thing. See how it feels... (Big difference, superior outcome likely, in my experience.)

Easy to do fairly consistently? Not so much.. but I imagine if connecting with and benefitting from our higher selves was easy and didn't take all kinds of clear-seeing, patience and well-applied emotional labour, we'd all be doing it, Trump would be your car-wash guy, and that crazy little bugger in North Korea would be on Oprah's Super-Soul Sundays with an interpreter, apologizing profusely and begging to be shown a better way.. "Well 'Kimmy', it just so happens you're in luck, let's bring out our next guest; The Dalai Lamaaaaa!!"

Sorry, I digress. 

So, a better way of mindful self-admonishment may sound like this:

"*Deep sigh*... Okay, that didn't feel right, not with what I know now. I bet that person said or did those things because they were overwhelmed by their day or present circumstance and acted out unconsiouslyy towards me. Sheesh, it likely wasn't even personal, it could have been me or the next person they shit on, I don't need to take that to heart. With a little more practice I imagine that incoming lower-vibrational stuff will pass right through me anyway, my own frequencies have been higher and higher lately, with the work I'm doing. I'm surely not above this person, but I know I can transcend the whole mess with a little more consciousness. Shit, I betcha if I meet up with so-and-so again tomorrow and throw them a big warm smile and a 'what, me worry?' shrug things might change up in a nice way for us both. (And if not.. once again - I'll be less of a target next time, and even if I find myself in the middle of a directed shitstorm again... pfffffft, on with my day in my own awesome way. Fuck yeah, this feels better!!"

Like I said, it's work, but it sure helps.

[Alex K]

As an update - I yesterday sat through maybe 2-3 hours of this in total and as a result I had so much energy incoming that I was unable to sleep trough the night and I still have lot of energy today. It can only mean one thing - practice is working perfectly! I dream to go to a consistent 2-3-4 hours a day and I start being able to take it finally it seems. Yay!

@FirstglimpseOMG I hope I got you, some serious english in there) Thank you very much for such invigorating responce, myself is a happy proud ego) 

I think I experience a glimpse of what your convos convey, but only right after interval of practice. When I'm couple or more hours into maya, it vanishes - thanks for the heads up!

So loving kindness I believe means giving it continued "online", "backround" love - meaning - unjudging warm accepting focus - as in contrast to intenlty, doer-ingly giving love and acceptance during self love exercises - right?

There is so much growing for me to do, I want so much to be able to fully detach from talker and observe it, currently my awareness throughout talking feels like an intersection of two sets - a myself and a talker. I want that intersection gone

Thanks!

Edited January 11, 2018 by Alex K

[FirstglimpseOMG]

My pleasure bud, as I said, I freakin' struggle with it. In my experience, the more mindful you are, or aware, or whatever you call it, of the negative patterns as they occur, the better and better off you are and the easier and easier it gets. The being aware part I mean, not so much the changing of those patterns of negativity - I find that a little more 'worky' lol. But you're well on your way really just by watching those crappy patterns arise and any strivance to cut-down on the shitty, constricting feeling-tone that accompanies them. I was bad... I was clenching my gut & neck in the present when remembering shit from 10 or 15 years ago, (or last week), that I had never, ever un-clenched from back then!  

I find part of the un-clenching of it all is catching yourself as you admonish yourself with patterned harshness and disgust, stopping right there, heave a sigh, and go higher & lighter. The best of the deal is pretty soon you're radiating that back outward to the world (Metta lovingkindness meditation happening just by default lol).. lots of easier forgiving happens, sort of a natural result of understanding, it's win-win.

Less and less constriction is soooooo goooood.

[FirstglimpseOMG]

I guess we have the power to create our own little mini, personal strangeloops. Positive or negative. Any dipshit can create crappy loops to experience... Let's go higher.

[Alex K]

@FirstglimpseOMG I think without love part even awareness takes months and months to unwind this stores of negativity.

I started to "Feel in" during self cursing as @DoubleYousuggested and after couple hours unearthed such a deposit of rather abstract chunked grief for simple nice life "being too hard". I have stored grief/self pity from thinks like that I need to get up, go to work, carry those 40 kilos of extra weight, that my classmates, parents, people where rude to me my whole life, that I need to be ill with fewer, I need to have headaches, need to be stupid during learning, need to think about not going broke, need to shower, had to feel shame, unsure, guilt. etc. All that little stuff had been adding to this "miscellaneous (self pity!?)" monolith store of negativity throughout my whole life and now it seems to manifest as this cursing and I started to purge it bit by bit yesterday))) Dunno maybe it's not that or maybe I'm right on. Feels like it will take many days at least to purge, maybe weeks who knows.

Another cherry)))) My body rather energetically sways on it's own now practically all the extra time after 30-40 minutes of "Do Nothing" per day. And today it even swayed for 5-10 minutes after meditation sessions. For the reason of limited brain I haven't correlated this thing to that other thing (actually becuase swaying starts during Do Nothing and cursing During Mindfullness and crying during Feel In / Emotional Healing). Shit this is great!

I have yet to watch vids on strange loops...

Work on !

Edited January 12, 2018 by Alex K