AL-LAD trip report - what is it all about?

[phoenix666]

100 mcg AL-LAD

 

I’m quite confused, I’m still trying to sort it all out. it feels like I’ve been through a lifetime of experience in the last couple of hours. no words live up to it. it really is so big, that whatever concept you create, it’s restricting it. as soon as you name it, you confine it! I really do struggle to articulate my journey rightnow. and not because of my not so glimmering English, it really is a lack of Truth in language itself! 

the whole journey felt like it was split into different chapters, I’ll just let my thoughts flow, in no particular order.

 

for quite some time I didn’t know whether I should keep my eyes closed or open. I wanted to close them, but was afraid to fall asleep because I was lying comfortably on my cushy bed. when I closed them, it was like the whole journey starting, different scenes playing out. I was worried to miss something: if I close my eyes, do I miss reality right in front of me? if I keep them open, do I miss reality inside of me? an insight came up: whether it happens in my head or ‚for real‘…does it really make a difference? like, really? how would I know? fact is, I don’t.

 

at some point I asked myself: how can we even communicate? we throw words at each other, it doesn’t feel like we even understand. like really, how can we? words don’t bring it, it’s something else, it’s the feeling we emit. are you sensitive enough to feel? or do you rely on the words? I want to listen to people. how? I think it’s not about hearing what they say. rather: how do I feel? what do I sense in my own body as they talk to me? that’s connecting.

 

connecting: how could I be so blind? for so long I thought humans to be hateful and ugly. I am no angel, hell, I am part of it all! am I ready to forgive myself? like fully? not just accept my past, but take it into my arms and love it? this is so powerful. I see the potential. it really is an inner game: if I love my ‚sins‘, I’ll be able to love humanity fully. I can see through all ‚evil‘ actions. what’s behind it? hurt souls, so much suffering lies underneath. 

and people addicted to mobile phones and internet (myself included)..that’s a desperate cry! they’re reaching out for each other!

 

I am afraid to miss something. took me a while to get what exactly. I am so afraid to miss life itself! do I? do I focus on the right things? 

again and again, a question (icy goosebumps and the feeling of the floor under my feet taken away): what is it actually about? what am I actually here for? 

not sure if I know the answer. my body came up with something: it’s feeling. 

 

when I looked into the mirror, the same thing as last time with AL-LAD happened: my face kept morphing into different people. I continued asking who are you? the answer: morphing. change. flux. nothing I could hold onto.

I suddenly was very unhappy with my body. I looked at it, it continued changing. I felt like doing some simple yoga. it helped. insight: I’m so tense! I’m so little aware of my body through out the day. yoga is helping though. I want to feel more into my body during daily life.

 

food. it started breathing, it was beautiful. the colors <3 the broccoli, a piece of art. so bright, full of energy. my body craved fruits most of all. I see it as a sign; let my body decide what to eat. I live so much in my thoughts, it’s incredible. thinking over thinking over thinking. and the best part: thinking my mind has it all figured out! how cute! what do things feel like? when you do something, when you eat something? how does your body feel? what emotions arise? deep inside, you already know. your body is so smart, there is inherent intelligence to it, let it guide you. trust yourself.

and then again, don’t trust yourself, thoughts are deceiving! love that paradox!

 

are you creating your own reality? it felt like the psychedelic asked me how I wanted my character to be. I honestly answered: I want to be loving, caring, humble, wise, mindful, helpful. I want to become a sage! maybe I’ll never become one, but I’d like to transform myself bit for bit towards being more loving.

then I had an insight: I’m limiting myself with my own beliefs! thinking that I am any less than pure divine creation! less than perfect! that I have to work so hard, change myself to become enlightened! (I can see the practicability of that mindset, and I’m back into it) for a bit, I just surrendered: that’s it! I’m it! I’m worthy! it was like one door opening after the other! one jackpot after the other, infinite winning. what changed? nothing, but absolutely everything. for the first time I got that it’ s already there, I’m already it. I’m just not aware of it. 

 

now some darker chapters: sometimes I felt fear creeping in. I continued forgetting who I was, I identified with some people I know. I can’t explain it: I just was them. and then a slightly panicky question arose: wait, what the hell? no. that’s not me. who? are you losing yourself? what does that even mean, losing myself? oh, so many things I don't know..

then I saw different versions of myself. I felt my personality splitting into different characters like I know from dissociative identity disorder. I also sensed something dark.. something that may have happened in my childhood. (I already had this feeling during my last trip). just a weird feeling in my body. I think that maybe something happened. something sexual.. and I think someone I know did something to me. this would also explain my rather strange sexuality..

 

I also saw some disturbing pictures about poverty. first everything was shiny, there were colors, music, clothes and fancy gadgets. suddenly distorted sounds, horrible cries. and I saw that contrast between my life in modern society and life in a third world country. it brought tears into my eyes. it humbled me, something in me broke and compassion shined through. 

I had to ask myself again: what is life actually about?

 

<3