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What Can't I Accept All Of This? What Should I Do?

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I discovered a year ago after I searched for the law of attraction. I watched Leo's video and it was cool, I guess, he said something I liked. I looked more into his channel and I found out that he had a lot of videos with a lot of topics and I was excited. I was interested in self-improvement. I watched a few more videos about how to deal with negative emotions and how to stop caring what other people think and another one. Liked these videos, I heard things that I didn't hear elsewhere. Then shit turned upside down.

I kept watching the videos and I got into more serious topics. Then I heard some thing that I didn't really want to hear, it was pretty tough to digest it. I dropped for a while and then after some time I realized that I was putting too much focus on stupid things. I always took things as the end goal, I never took things in a "grain of salt" or whatever. I started thinking that maybe I should just watch, get the tools I want, and drop the rest. I applied it on books, videos and other shit.

A few months ago I wanted to return to I thougth I was missing something. I started watching more videos and then I looked at first about self-actualization. I always had a goal in my mind to become the best version of myself. I thougth that self-actualization is the same as that but then I looked deeper and it felt awkward. 

I don't like it. Something just hold me back. I just can't get hooked the the videos. All this consciousness, growth, awarness, enlightment and whatever. It felt really emotionally hard, Why? Because it sounded like some bullshit (not bullshit as a lie, bullshit as a waste of time). I am currently trying to build the habit of meditation and I think it could change my life but taking it like Leo is so bizarre for me. I thougth about the reasons that I didn't feel right with it. I thougth that maybe the paid content is what made me skeptical and I am avoiding a deeper issure, but it turns out it's not it, I ended up buying the book list because I wanted some good recommendations for books, I don't have the course yet and I am having trouble with it, I am not sure if I should buy it, maybe the channel is not really for me and I'll end up wasting money (I'm 17, so I don't have much). I thougth that maybe it's hard to me to accept some topics (like in the tv video, where Leo said that we should stop reading fiction, stop watching tv etc. I knew that it bothered me) but then I thougth that maybe it's not it. I thougth that maybe this is a fraud and I should stay away from it but then I thougth that it's not possible because there are so many followers and so little negative reviews. I thougth that maybe I am too young to think about this, but then I realised that soon I am turning 18 and that I should start to worry about my life. I still don't know why I don't like this channel, site and self-actualization in general.

I also recently thougth about something that I didn't like in, I didn't like it that it feels like is the only way to self-actualize. No other ways. And I thougth that what if suddenly shuts down, then I will be stuck, nothing to follow, a complete waste of time and then I would probably return to the more simple life.

I really like Mark Manson's approach to life. I like the simple life. Of course I don't want to grow up and work 9-5 in a boring job, obviously I don't want it.

I don't know if the self-actualizaed life suits me. It hurts my head. I overthinking and it's really hard for me to drop it, I feel like I am missing something. I think that I will lose life if I don't follow this channel. Something just feels bad for me.

I am sorry if my English is not that good (tell me if it was fine or anything).

What do you think I should do? 

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@Ariel just continue watching the videos and establish a little practice, meditation for example and see where this takes you. 

A little meditation habit can't hurt right? :)

Breaking the laws of physical nature is spiritual process.
In this sense, we are outlaws, and Shiva is the ultimate outlaw.
You cannot worship Shiva, but you may join the Gang.

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