Problem Help: I'm A Bad Judge Of Character.

[eskwire]

I am a consistently poor judge of character.

Examples:

• Last 4 guys I dated spent some days in jail either while or right after we dated. 
• Last serious bf lied a lot and I still try to piece together what may have been true or false.
• I give *a lot* to my boss and he lies often and uses people.
• I defended the cleaning lady where I work about her hours being legit. I watched security camera footage of her cleaning last night and she has been lying about her hours for more $.

So...

How do I develop a clearer, more accurate perception of people? How do you spot and avoid dishonest people? Why am I particularly prone to giving people the benefit of the doubt and believing their little stories and arguments? Is this sourced somewhere in my psychology? 

Please help! I feel like a naive little child walking around. I am not technically naive - I have seen things I cannot unsee - but my perception is off.

[eskwire]

Just to clarify because this post was moved to the Dating subforum - this is a problem I have in all areas including business relationships where you have much less interaction with the people you are sizing up. 

[SFRL]

This is how I found out about Actualized.org

I was dating women and I got fascinated by this concept: "Why do women fall for assholes/Bad boys".

Because from my experience it's very true. You get a lot better results when you are a little bit of a dick sometimes. 

So I already understood this concept. But just because I find the concept fascinating I googled: "Why do women love Bad Boys". Just to find more information on it. 

And then I did come across this video:

And and that was the first of Leo's videos I did watch. And I was like: "This totally matches everything I know about it and have experienced, and this guy does an amazing job job summarizing and explaining all if it."

So you may want to watch this, or watch it again with a renewed interest.

Edited October 22, 2017 by SFRL

[eskwire]

@SFRL I've watched it multiple times and yes it makes perfect sense.

This is why I didn't want my post moved into the Dating section.

I have this problem with all kinds of people I meet, including other women or people at work. I suck at spotting deceit. I perhaps want so badly for others to be honest and noble that I make myself believe they are - and maybe that's just the problem right there and I answered my own question. 

[SFRL]

@eskwire yeah well of course the video directly addresses a dating topic. 

But I think those same asshole charactetistics that make men attractive to women is also what makes them often successful at work or in sports or in other areas in life. 

And you experience these character traits in dating with men, because you date men. But in other areas of your life you also notice them in women. 

I think those people have a pull on you (us, people react to that stuff). 

 

Another thing is even sociopaths, and criminal people they are not bad 100% of the time. Most of the time they can be really nice, and they are not even faking it. Some of the nicest behaviour in people I have noticed come from crimanally inclined people. 

Let's say they are 5% of the time bad/criminal behaviour, 25% of the time manipulating people, 70% of the time sincerairly nice. That still makes them the majority of the time nice people. It's just that during that 5% of the time that they are bad they do a lot of damage. 

On the flip side: Who is innocent, are you innocent? Am I innocent? Who is innocent? 

[eskwire]

2 minutes ago, SFRL said:

@eskwire yeah well of course the video directly addresses a dating topic. 

But I think those same asshole charactetistics that make men attractive to women is also what makes them often successful at work or in sports or in other areas in life. 

And you experience these character traits in dating with men, because you date men. But in other areas of your life you also notice them in women. 

I think those people have a pull on you (us, people react to that stuff). 

 

Another thing is even sociopaths, and criminal people they are not bad 100% of the time. Most of the time they can be really nice, and they are not even faking it. Some of the nicest behaviour in people I have noticed come from crimanally inclined people. 

Let's say they are 5% of the time bad/criminal behaviour, 25% of the time manipulating people, 70% of the time sincerairly nice. That still makes them the majority of the time nice people. It's just that during that 5% of the time that they are bad they do a lot of damage. 

On the flip side: Who is innocent, are you innocent? Am I innocent? Who is innocent? 

That's fair. Deceit is a skill for social success. And I often have a soft heart for the criminally inclined because they are fun.

I wouldn't say they are nicer than anyone else, though, and that hypothetical 25% of the time they spend manipulating people is damaging. They are playing god, altering people's reality, using people, wasting people's time, shattering trust.

I'm not innocent per se but there is a scale in the use of deceit to accomplish goals for one's personal benefit no? 

[SFRL]

@eskwire criminally inclined people often tend to be more stimulus seeking and edgy so that is why they are more fun yes. 

I think that's not only true in men. Often the type of women, 'Bad Bitches', as they call them in rap music who are more bitchy and morally not as sound tend to be more freaky in the bed. Not always, but more often then not. 

 

I actually wanted to make a thread about it sometime but I never did, but it seems like every possible character trait has another side to the same coin. So you always have to take the good with the bad. That also means that you can't have it all. So you will have to be willing to drop certain criteria like 'edgy', and 'confident' or find a happy medium. 

 

Of course 5%+25% =30% but that still makes a person like that 70% of the time a nice person. But that is exactly where I am going with that. You can't let that fool you. 

 

Of course there is a level of bad behaviour that is unacceptable. 

I like this scene from the movie "Natural Born Killers" tapping into innocence. 

 

Edited October 22, 2017 by SFRL

[eskwire]

1 hour ago, SFRL said:

Of course 5%+25% =30% but that still makes a person like that 70% of the time a nice person. But that is exactly where I am going with that. You can't let that fool you. 

There it is. That's the help I needed. I've been letting people get a moral C- and passing their asses in my class. No more!