No More Dreaming , Time To Build.

[misko55]

I dislike holidays, especially Christmas.

After a full year, I went home for Christmas and I failed at everything. All my development ground to a halt and I feel anxious right now, so anxious that I am returning to my roots and writing here.

In last 9 days, I gained 4 kg, did absolutely nothing, fought and lost in the department of downloading video games and got back to being fearful, indecisive and generally afraid if I will be ever able to have a great life.

My mind is all over the place and I can´t wait for tomorrow to sit on an airplane and go back... "home".

I have never felt more confused in my life like right now, feeling miserable, hopeless and beaten.

How did I manage feeling like this for years, I don´t know. My parents are here, but I have not much to talk with them, my friends are here, but it is the same. This weird energy, together with me feeling guilty for feeling like this.

I did write another story: https://medium.com/@danielcvjetianin/the-cramped-room-of-despair-and-a-fight-of-old-and-new-6664e324bf74  

I guess I always feel like this for Christmas, watching people doing things because it is expected of them, saying things that are expected from them and I always get sucked in, but I don´t know how to behave like them, I don´t know.

I also feel a bit frustrated right now. Damn, 9 days in Zagreb, 9 days home and I feel terrible. Am I addicted to change? Do I really need to do stuff to feel good, am I fooling myself? Is this self-development even working or am I living in a fairytale.

[Ivannnnn]

@misko55 Hey man! I just found you after I came to the idea of searching this forum for the keyword "leipzig" in an attempt to find likeminded people there (since I've never had any friends that are into personal development and it sucks not being understood). 

You can imagine my amazement when I read in your diaries you live in Leipzig and "Location: Croatia" on your profile. Why? Because I'm a fucking Croatian and live in Leipzig too! I skimmed over your diaries (skimmed because who would read that shit?! Lol, just kidding, I found your articles on Medium genuinely very good and entertaining) and found even more similarities and can relate to your struggles!

 

• I'm pretty much a veteran in the business of trying to change myself (a.k.a. self improvement), with ups and downs
• I didn't get along well with my parents (completely different world views and not happy with how they treated me) so I run away 4 years ago and never talked to them again (talking about breaking social norms...)
• Went abroad alone and without knowing anyone
• Since coming to Germany I changed jobs a lot making me think I have some "run away syndrome"
• Social anxiety, fucked up state (of mind)/depression are things I have a lot of experience in (not much now though)
• I completely ignore Christmas and Easter (and other stuff that people do just because "everyone" does it)
• I'm 27 (like you, I believe...)
• Identify myself as a lone wolf (although labeling yourself is not good and will only reinforce that behavior)

Etc., etc, etc...

We should definitely meet here in Leipzig. I'll send you a PM with my email. I live in Thekla in Leipzig BTW.

Take care,

Ivan

Edited May 26, 2018 by Ivannnnn