Depression Update

[MiracleMan]

Doing better, I've healed a lot, I've resolved a lot family issues that were causing me great pain.  My practice is becoming more rewarding to me, and I'm starting a new chapter in my life situation.  My life itself  (totally apart from the situation) still suffers, but it's rapidly improving.  I feel a windfall, a change happening within me, but I still haven't fully rid myself of the pain body.

Music Loops stuck in the head 24/7.  People also call them earworms, because a song just gets trapped in your head and repeats.  I wake up to songs playing, it's happening in the background as I write this.  Lately it's gotten quieter in my mind, if I sit down and focus on the music as an observer it slowly fades to silence, but will return as soon as I turn my mind's eye away.  When I'm busy doing something, this is my default background noise.

Maybe it's the pain body, the brain loops drain me of a lot energy and I feel tired all the time even though I get plenty of sleep, I exercise and am in good shape, but still I'm tired all the time.  I still have a lot of internal rage and pain, I've been trying to address this.  I've also healed myself of a majority of my physical pain, I had severe lower back pain the last 2 years so badly I could barely sit in a chair for an hour without excruciating pain, I came home from work everyday and got into bed because of the pain.  It took a lot of work to lessen that pain, but the pain body is still strong within in, it still lashes out. I've been listening to "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle and it's really opened me up and really solidified my path in a sense.

A curse or a blessing, I don't know.  Lately I've been using it as a reminder to be present, whenever I hear the music playing I know I'm not fully present, so I've turned it from an annoying and maddening thing into a tool, but it's no less annoying or maddening.  I've tried making it light hearted by calling it my dance party, or the rock concert in my head.  I also ask, who is there?  Who is making all this noise?  Is it me?  It can't be me because if I was controlling it I could turn it off.  I'm starting to treat my addictions in the manner too, although I still use it's diminishing in power.  Before I smoke, I'll ask myself who is having this craving?  When I feel a craving or a voice say "let's smoke" I observe it, and I ask "who are you?  Or what is that voice?"  I'm separating the cravings from my identity in this way, severing the link between my thoughts and feelings.  When the porn monster rears its ugly head I try to turn the lights on in my mind, to see the monster, to ask what it wants, who are you, you can't be me because if you were I could dissolve you instantly.  I'm realizing these cravings and abusive voices are the pain body itself, not me, it can't be me.  I feel powerful, like I have some momentum.  But my ego is still boss, I still lash out, still prone to fits of rage, losing consciousness, judging others, getting into petty arguments with no purpose.

I felt the energy of a strangers smile today, never felt it like that, but if I did it was forgotten a long time ago, or it's just been unconscious.  It just made me happy for an instant, a quick smile passing by, and I felt a wave of warmth inside of me, deep in the chest and gut.  It felt like me.

 

[MiracleMan]

I met the pain body during my walking meditation today, I locked eyes with an older man as walked by and I could feel the rage, in my body I felt it too.  Other guys might know what I mean, it's the fighting look.  It's that look you give someone preceded by "what the fuck are you looking at?" or "what is your problem"

This is how pain stays alive?  His pain awoke my own, even though they are basically the same.  For about 5 seconds or so I wanted to fight.  I recognized the pain body immediately, I let it have it's moment, then it vanished.  It was crazy, just out of no where we locked eyes and I just felt like fighting.  It was almost like an "aha" moment rather than my usual reaction which was to bury it or tack onto the ego which feels like "less than" which is why it wants to prove its masculinity in any way possible.

I saw a hole in his neck, from smoking apparently.  I felt sorry for him, and myself at the same time.  I saw that we both are just in a lot of pain.  Again, it's amazing to see the laws of attraction here.  I realize how much angry people I'm around, disturbed people, unhappy people, and how much I attract them and how much I myself am also attracted to them.  It's like a magnet.  I've been avoiding romantic relationships (temporarily) for this very reason because I see the patterns.  I don't want to attract people into my life that have such a negative frequency.  I still love these people, but I don't have the momentum to get ahead because the group mentality is stuck in a huge gap of unhappiness, and repressed rage.  I can't help but empathize with my surrounding group, it's like I become that negative energy when I'm around it.  I absorb and fit into my tribe, even against my own wishes.  I think the best thing to do is move on and walk my own path, and love those people anyways.

Edited August 3, 2017 by MiracleMan