Somatic therapy got me out of my OCD Loop

[Tistepiste]

Dear all,

I want to share experience with somatic therapy.

In August a friend of mine triggered my anxiety and consequently my OCD.

Two days later I started a 2 week meditation retreat.

I followed all instructions thoroughly. But during this retreat whatever I did, feeling of immense anxiety was produced by my body every few seconds.

I had interview with monk every 2 days who told me I was doing everything correctly and even saying I had a talent in meditation. I was meditating 14 hrs a day.

I stayed close to the fear. The deeper I went into meditation the closer I went to the fear.

When I went into deep meditative state I saw that I was getting impaled by a structure that felt like a tree that penetrated my body and anchored itself in my stomach area. I watched it. It disappeared only to reappear 5 seconds later.

I told this to the teacher but he said no need to worry because the form of the fear changed every day.

This was a mistake the form of the fear didn't change. I just become more subtle so of course it changed to my perception, I saw it more and more clear, but the fear itself didn't change form.

After 10 days something shifted when I went out of extreme meditation mode and talked to myself like an adult. Like wtf is going on.

This helped release part of the fear.

 

But when I went back home I was overwhelmed with panick attacks, dissociation and deep, deep fear response.

I had to fight the hardest to stop the OCD compulsions as a reaction to the fear but I was 95% succesfull in that.

Although stopping the compulsions didnt seem to help with dissipating the fear.

Fast forward 1.5 months later. Still in an immense fear system I started somatic therapy.

This is where things changed.

 

What I learned:

- My fear was stuck because it couldn't get released in a proper, healthy way.

- I hadn't talked about this specific trigger with friends because I didn't want to follow the road of anxiety and the urge of my OCD compulsion to talk about it.

Because:

I thought this would strengthen the loop ("don't give your OCD attention")

or re-trigger me (because this is a very very vulnerable state to express, and anything can enter deep in my body when exposed, or create a new obsession). 

But the result of that was that my fear didn't find a way out. So it was stuck like a bird in a cage, singing louder and louder because it got exhausted and hungry for being seen.

 

What helped me was moving into the fear and really actually really feel it together with a trained therapist. And let it all out. Let the emotions really flow.

There was anger, and sadness, and a little bit of grief that all came up.

But first a lot of resistance.

My body was moving in spasms. I felt like gollem from the Lord of the rings.

As if that creature was stuck inside me.

These spasms were my body locking the anxiety in its place.

I was told to make sounds. "Get out!"

I screamed louder and louder and angrily and angrily and then a deep feeling of sadness overcame me and then finally my body sensations starters to move inside me.

Finally it started to flow again instead of being stuck in this fear state.

My body is now largely out of the fear state although there's some remnants left. (Which I'm sure we can work on next session)

But a lot of blockage released. 

So lesson to myself

- you don't have to keep staying with the fear like that. If it stays longer then a few days then new means need to be looked into;

--Being vulnerable with people (this way the energy has a way out, in a safe space, it feels seen while at the same time possibly challenged)

--Focus purely on the sensations and actually follow the resistance. Don't just look at it from a distance but become the resistance itself. Become the emotion and actually move with it. Become it. And then leave it.

The last one is what didn't help in meditation. I was observing the fear. But this didn't help with getting out of its stuck position. 

Edited October 22 by Tistepiste

[TheCloud]

I recommend you to look into Internal Family Systems (IFS).  It's a psychotherapy that very closely follows with the process you describe yourself as spontaneously going through.  You forming the image of there being a tree representing your emotions anchored in your stomach would be the first step in a process called "unburdening", where emotions are visualized and associated with areas in the body or mind where they primarily reside.

The next step would be to ask the tree if it is protecting/blocking/imprisoning/etc something, or if it is being protected/blocked/imprisoned/etc itself.

If it is the former, it is what is called a Protector in IFS.  If it is the latter, it is what is called an Exile.  Exiles are parts of yourself that have been separated and blocked off from the rest of you, either for their safety or for yours.  Protectors are parts of you who form to maintain that separation, a purpose for which they do not count the costs and may go to extreme and harmful lengths to achieve.

If your tree is a Protector, you can ask what it is protecting.  If it is reluctant, find out what capabilities and consideration it needs you to show it to let you pass.  Forcing your way past a Protector without its acknowledgement can have extreme results, both psychological and somatic;  I expect the dysfunction you describe where your body was moving in spasms was a result of doing just that.  For that reason, if your tree is an Exile, you must find and communicate with its Protector before doing anything else with it.

Once you are in communication with both Protector and Exile, you can begin the unburdening process.  Generally the Exile unburdens first, since that removes the reason the Protector has to protect, but that's not a hard rule so long as you have the consent of your parts.

In the case of the tree, you take care of it until it is ready to let go of its fearful emotions.  When it's ready, you ask it how and where it wants to let its fear go.  Methods for this are limited only by your imagination, but it's common to release it to the elements;  letting the fear blow away in the wind, be consumed by fire, washed away in rain, etc.  Imagine your tree going through this process, then ask what it wants to do next.  It may change form, completely transform, or take on a totally new role.  You can do this for any part you encounter.

One hard rule for IFS is that there are no truly bad or evil parts of you.  Even Protectors and Exiles who are actively ruining your body or harming others have a desperate purpose or pain which they are trying to express.  Cooperation, consideration, and consent are needed when dealing with even the most outrageous parts of yourself, and killing or expunging any part of yourself is always a form of self-harm.

If you are in communication with your parts but are having trouble, I recommend researching and applying Non-Violent Communication (NVC).  It sounds as if you've made a lot of progress with your efforts and discovered much on your own, and I hope that with some research and/or guidance you can continue to build on that in a way that is reliable and consistently beneficial to you.

[Ulax]

@TheCloud Any other things that helped you communicate with parts better? aside from nvc

[TheCloud]

1 minute ago, Ulax said:

@TheCloud Any other things that helped you communicate with parts better? aside from nvc

NVC is a great place to start.  You can also look up tactics for negotiating mutual solutions.  Anything that can improve your communication with or understanding of other people can also be applied to IFS.  The difference with Parts is that, sharing the same body and life as them, you can be 100% confident of a mutual solution.  There will never be a need for zero-sum solutions.  This is the most fundamental and critical part of IFS, that there is no difference between "Parts" and "You". Your Parts will never have knowledge you don't (except perhaps in extreme cases of DID or some such).  Everything inside you is you, every thought, word, and deed, no matter how hateful or demented, no matter how wonderful or surprising. 

(There is a highly fringe exception to this called Unattached Burdens, which is a Part that has no positive purpose in the system.  However, these are overwhelmingly rare, and cannot be identified by the harm a Part causes, as regular Parts are capable of causing tremendous damage even with their ultimately positive intent.)

It'll help to find your best in-road.  For me, direct conversation with my Parts is where I'm strongest, and I can have a literal back-and-forth conversation with and between my Parts.  Body-sensation is where I'm weakest;  I can't find many Parts in my body, and its usually a waste of my time for me to try.  You can also visualize your Parts, such as where the OP saw a tree rooted in his stomach, or focus on experiencing the Part's emotions or associated memories.  I've seen someone draw their Parts to make abstract art.  It depends on what you're good at, and as with anything, practice makes perfect.

Familiarize yourself with the concept of "blending".  Blending is when a Part takes over.  It's usually characterized by ranting, uncontrolled emotional expression, unilateral behavior, and other similar signs.  When you notice you're blending, that's a great time to get in touch with a clear Part.  What I find useful here is to change "I" to "this Part".  So, "I think everyone hates me", becomes, "This Part thinks everyone hates it."  "I will never allow that to happen!", becomes, "This Part will never allow that to happen."   This gives me enough distance from the Part to observe and communicate with it.  Even with this trick, unblending can be frustratingly challenging even if you notice you're blended;  all you can do is keep at it.

A problem I occasionally run into is getting overwhelmed with Parts.  Sometimes when I feel really chaotic and overwhelmed, it's because piles of Parts are trying to have their say all at the same time.  In these cases, I try to identify and write down as many of the Parts as I can before trying to go any deeper with any of them.  Just knowing that they've been seen can go a long way to calming a Part down.

The last thing I'll say for now is to try to determine a Part's general age as you work with it.  Parts believe they are still the age that they formed at, and will behave accordingly.  This can be important, such as when I'm dealing with infant Parts who haven't developed fight/flight response yet.  Infants can only fawn, attaching themselves even to people who harm them, with can lead to some very frustrating misunderstandings if its not accounted for.  Keep in mind that the Parts are ultimately still you, so they're just deluding themselves to be the age they think they are.  An important part of the work is showing them their real age.

I hope this helps somewhat, although if you have specific questions I'd be glad to offer my thoughts.

[Ulax]

@TheCloud Thanks bro

[Tistepiste]

11 hours ago, TheCloud said:

I recommend you to look into Internal Family Systems (IFS).  It's a psychotherapy that very closely follows with the process you describe yourself as spontaneously going through.  You forming the image of there being a tree representing your emotions anchored in your stomach would be the first step in a process called "unburdening", where emotions are visualized and associated with areas in the body or mind where they primarily reside.

The next step would be to ask the tree if it is protecting/blocking/imprisoning/etc something, or if it is being protected/blocked/imprisoned/etc itself.

If it is the former, it is what is called a Protector in IFS.  If it is the latter, it is what is called an Exile.  Exiles are parts of yourself that have been separated and blocked off from the rest of you, either for their safety or for yours.  Protectors are parts of you who form to maintain that separation, a purpose for which they do not count the costs and may go to extreme and harmful lengths to achieve.

If your tree is a Protector, you can ask what it is protecting.  If it is reluctant, find out what capabilities and consideration it needs you to show it to let you pass.  Forcing your way past a Protector without its acknowledgement can have extreme results, both psychological and somatic;  I expect the dysfunction you describe where your body was moving in spasms was a result of doing just that.  For that reason, if your tree is an Exile, you must find and communicate with its Protector before doing anything else with it.

Once you are in communication with both Protector and Exile, you can begin the unburdening process.  Generally the Exile unburdens first, since that removes the reason the Protector has to protect, but that's not a hard rule so long as you have the consent of your parts.

In the case of the tree, you take care of it until it is ready to let go of its fearful emotions.  When it's ready, you ask it how and where it wants to let its fear go.  Methods for this are limited only by your imagination, but it's common to release it to the elements;  letting the fear blow away in the wind, be consumed by fire, washed away in rain, etc.  Imagine your tree going through this process, then ask what it wants to do next.  It may change form, completely transform, or take on a totally new role.  You can do this for any part you encounter.

One hard rule for IFS is that there are no truly bad or evil parts of you.  Even Protectors and Exiles who are actively ruining your body or harming others have a desperate purpose or pain which they are trying to express.  Cooperation, consideration, and consent are needed when dealing with even the most outrageous parts of yourself, and killing or expunging any part of yourself is always a form of self-harm.

If you are in communication with your parts but are having trouble, I recommend researching and applying Non-Violent Communication (NVC).  It sounds as if you've made a lot of progress with your efforts and discovered much on your own, and I hope that with some research and/or guidance you can continue to build on that in a way that is reliable and consistently beneficial to you.

Hey

Thanks so much.

What a strange coincidence also, because what you're saying about IFS is something I stumbled on just a few days prior to your post, for the first time.

I'll look into it.