Angels, swords, and involuntary neck jerks. Trying to understand what opened up in me

[toczix]

Some context before I get into it. I've been living with depression, gut issues, and dpdr for about four years now, and I think that matters for what I'm about to describe.

This happened back in February and I still haven't made sense of it:

 

I was out on my back deck meditating with a 5mg edible in me. Nothing heavy, nothing that would scramble my head -- 

Somewhere in there I found what I can only describe as a glitch in reality.

I found that when I reached for certain childhood memories, specifically the good ones, the ones that still feel untouched, my neck would jerk. Hard left or hard right, like a flash, the instant I hit the memory.

Completely involuntary. Nothing I was doing physically, only mentally.

Almost as if my body rejected that memory as actually ever being reality, like if my Ego has bought into a dark version of reality and refuses to believe the happy versions of reality ever existed.

And it wasn't just thinking about the memory that set it off -- I had to actually see it, sink into it, let myself feel what it felt like to be that kid again, and the second I did that my body would fire.

The more I did it, the harder it jerked.

I sat with that for a while before deciding to really go into it, so I brought it to a somatic experiencing therapist.

I walked in and told her straight out, this is what's been happening, I can show you right now if you want. So I showed her, and then I stopped holding any of it back and leaned in as far as I possibly could.

What opened up took an hour and a half and it was the most intense thing I have ever been through.

In my mind's eye I watched a hand come down through the ceiling. I reached up and grabbed it with my right hand, and it pulled me up out of that room.

Up past the atmosphere and out into the galaxies, until I ended up in this liminal space.

There were angels there and they were cleansing me with white light. Some of them were archetypal, straight out of the old imagery,

I saw one blow white light towards me out of his trumpet, and it absolutely obliterated me and sent me into tears. it was so bright.

and another one stabbed me with it's sword. It felt like the sword itself was the cleansing my soul.

I had black dots inside of me and the swords were bursting them open one by one.

Then came what I can only call symbolic downloads. Information about certain people in my life, including a friend I grew up with.

And I felt my uncle there with me. He died years ago and I felt he was was present in the space.

It wasn't abstract or symbolic to me while it was happening. It was visceral, it was happening to me, and I cried through most of it in a way I don't think I ever have.

I walked out of that office genuinely believing my life had changed that day.

And for a little while it felt like it had. Something in me was lighter, like I'd set down a weight I'd been carrying so long I stopped noticing it.

Then it faded, and I slid right back into the dpdr like nothing had happened.

That's the part I keep circling. I had this enormous thing crack open inside me and my actual day to day state didn't shift at all, and I don't have words for how frustrating that is.

The jerking never left either. If I sit down today and put my attention on it, my neck goes exactly as hard as it did in February.

What I see behind my eyes when I do it now is where it gets strange. Sometimes it's reptilian faces, or very weird images.

So I'm putting this here to see if any of it is familiar to anyone.

Has your body opened up like this in meditation, this involuntary movement tied to specific memories?

Did going further into it actually take you somewhere, or did you hit the same wall I did where the experience is enormous and your baseline doesn't move an inch?

And if anyone has a read on the imagery, I'd like to hear it. I'm not attached to any one interpretation. I just want to understand what I'm dealing with.