Dating for Men who Prefer something Slower

[trenton]

I have stepped into the realm of dating and was easily overwhelmed. In my case I have a combination of autism and childhood trauma I'm attempting to overcome somehow. I have been recommended dating by three different therapists, partially because they believe I am nothing like what my parents made me out to be. There is this constant fear that makes me not want to share my true feelings with others, leading me to being deeply intellectual in person. I tend to be more open online than in person. In person, I seem to come off as more guarded. Even if I believe I am fine, I still instinctively feel a sense of danger and uncertainty that makes intimacy slower for me.

In person, I usually open up in the following way. First, I ask who you are and what you like to do. I check for any areas of special interests or expertise which helps me to identify patterns in how you think and what you value. I don't speak emotionally immediately. Instead, I start by playing games with you such as Tic-Tac-Toe, or more complex games like chess. This throws people off, but at the same time I do get more of an opportunity to see how you think. I notice how you approach different kinds of problems and what kind of mindset you might apply. This oftentimes surfaces limiting beliefs such as "I'm not a genius, I could never be good at chess." I start to see the discomfort with deeply intellectual approaches and systematizing approaches. This doesn't mean there is something wrong with you, it just means that your specialty is outside of intellectual domains. Furthermore, I might notice personality traits in the mindset applied to a chess game, such as when I managed to detect a person's subtle aggressive mindset where it did not apply, implicating unresolved anger issues. This turned out to be true. In this sense, games are helpful for slowly mapping out how other people think while emotional talk tends to happen sideways or in smaller ways. I don't like rushing straight into intimacy.

Over time, I do extend this analysis from beyond abstract strategy games. Morality is a major topic I will watch you on. I will pay attention to your moral reasoning as this is where I start to catch red flags. I get especially concerned when it comes to the morality of deception. Those who have a more loose sense of morality around deception is where I start to feel less secure. Oftentimes, I can observe how the moral reasoning corresponds to different stages of development across various psychological models. Sometimes, they appear especially self-serving and flippant. I also tend to be bothered by low brow humor which frequently spills into sexual harassment. When it comes to religious reasoning, I feel somewhat mixed. On one hand, at least they take morality seriously on some level, but the problem is the lack of critical thinking. When I deviate too far from the expected position, sometimes I end up in uncomfortable positions in which I feel judged or ostracized by those who don't question the source material to see if it is true. I did encounter some Catholics when I was out on my walk who tried to convert me, and I saw so many problems with their arguments, especially when they conflated divine authority with the church and the Bible. They also didn't like Pantheism.

In terms of morality, I tend to prefer people who see value in contemplating these things. I notice that they tend to come off as warmer and more compassionate. They seem less judgmental by comparison and are able to see multiple perspectives. I have an easier time talking to and feeling safe with people who are at least at this level of moral development. This type appears to be more generally honest and open-minded. Love starts to seem more like a value they seek to embody, even by understanding those who do evil things. I still tend to come off as deeply intellectual to this type, possibly as overly logical or rational at the expense of a disconnect from my feelings. I see a mixed awareness of autism among this group, with some saying that it explains a lot, and others not recognizing why it would be significant. It might become a problem with communication if I intellectually outpace this group too much and I don't easily connect on an emotional level. For most people emotional connection and intellect are separate, but for me they are intertwined.

This gradually expands into discussions of spirituality, the nature of reality, and epistemology. These tend to be the most engaging conversations when we discuss how we know what is true. We tend to hit a hard wall when I tell them some of the problems with evidence and the fact that most true things cannot be proven. This is also connected to Godel's incompleteness theorem among other breakthroughs. From there we tend to freeze up because we don't know where to go once the limits of evidence itself is demonstrated. It opens up so many possibilities while simultaneously creating a deep mystery with no easy answer.

Beyond all of this, we could have shared activities as I get used to your presence. Once I get used to talking to you, I become more fluent and tend to communicate emotions more naturally. However, I struggle to lead with emotions because it feels dangerous. We need to first establish safety through repeated interactions. During this time, I tend to develop a map of your patterns so I know what to expect from you. I come off as guarded or emotionally flat, but it feels necessary in case of potential danger. Much of my intellect is designed for survival and safety such as by consciously assessing risk through the autistic mind rather than intuitively picking up on cues that neurotypicals expect me to notice. I also know that emotional warmth can be faked such that it can be used for manipulation to harm others. Hence, warmth alone isn't good enough to make me feel safe because I have been manipulated in exactly this way multiple times, including by my mother and father.

Finally, I start to see a woman as beautiful when I see her as a safe enough person for emotions to surface. I appreciate more the smile and eyes. Meanwhile, if you are cruel to me in some way, then it colors my perception of your outer beauty such that I now see you as physically hideous. However, it takes me a while to get to this point.

This is incompatible with the current dating environment. If I use online dating, those sites tend to be fast paced. It makes me extra uncomfortable. There is also the Leo method of cold approach which just seems straight up agonizing to me. I just feel like it would be humiliating to approach women and talk to them in that manner. I would have to abandon my identity entirely and then rapidly escalate to sexualized talk even though all of this has deeply harmed me already in childhood and it looks extremely dangerous knowing there are others who have been traumatized by this behavior. I struggle to embrace that kind of behavior with good conscience as I would be approaching women until I get laid rather than knowing them more deeply and forming a bond over time to check for relational compatibility. I can't glance at a woman, rate her between one and ten and then hit on her just like that. Attraction doesn't work like this for me.

How do I go about dating if I have these sorts of barriers to intimacy? I might even prefer written communication at times, but others get overwhelmed by my thought process in that case. I feel a sense of physical pain in my head when attempting to lead with emotions as the risk of attack is too high without trust first established. I feel like the entire dating environment has too many poor assumptions baked into it and it seems incompatible with how I operate.

[WonderSeeker]

@trenton Is it that you want something intellectual? Or is that just your defense, and once you get past that you find yourself craving something soft (life the soft touch on the cat's head in your profile photo).

I resonate with your situation, although I don't think it's as extreme for me. Honestly, when I dove beneath the surface, I found I was craving more feminine women in my life. I don't know where you live, but for me, in America, all the women are masculine these days and it's a huge turn-off for me. It makes approaching them in authentic because I don't even resonate with the vibes 99% of them are giving off. In Asia, the women are feminine, sweet, and open. I've easily had my best relationships here.

Places like China in Asia, or Colombia in South America might suit you. The former has for me.