Just getting some stuff off my chest....

[Mu_]

I say what I'm about to say with no desire to make a declaration or claim of any sort, just to put into word with the best of intentions and honesty to describe what troubles me as of late.

Nothing is constant anymore except perhaps the nature of color remaining with in its spectrums as the supposed inner and outer world are in constant flux, morphing ever so slightly into occasional explainable patterns.  The body has mostly disappeared, but occasionally shows up like a vague phantom of just experiencing a leg drifting in space or in proximity to what it may have once felt like to have a leg in a localized space.  Awareness and being seem to be a more consistent constant of life, in a world where the knowledge and experience of time are almost forgotten.  Discomfort and happiness come and go at regular intervals with no warning or knowledge of their arrival or departure.    The activities of my life occasionally just seem to do themselves.  I have no idea how I do my job or drive, it just seems to happen and get done effectively, despite really having no idea how.  Some how I still seem to express a relatively normal and more so than not positive personality, but feel regularly troubled in this strange space in which seemed to be "enlightenment" until it was not.  Hopefully this will finally pass one day.

For a while the best way I could describe what was happening was like the villain in Everything Everywhere All At Once. while not as extreme externally by any means, but the experience of the world at times felt very much like a constant morphing with varying degree's of intensity, feeling half solid, while half empty in the Buddhist sense. Like literally, half a body on what felt like one side, and like a line drawn down the middle of experience, half enternal, no boundaries expanding great lengths, with deep void and emptiness.  Not loneliness, I've forgotten what that feels like, but empty of distinction and quality.  The hardest and most difficult to explain is this weird quality of emptiness and fullness than grow and shrink in various intensities and simultaneous strange distortions of the two that happen throughout the day.  Thankfully not constant but enough to be troubled by it, like a storm out of no where.

There's all sorts of things maybe one day I'll have words for or science and humanity will catch up and be able to catalog such things with greater accuracy, but for now all I got is reference points grounded in a language and a world I know is not fundamentally as it seems to begin with and ultimately couldn't be fully understood or cataloged. 

Edited June 30 by Mu_