Is there really a homecoming? (serious question)

[gengar]

It just dawned upon me that even the existence of a place or state of being where there is no stress, pain or fear is becoming questionable to me.
My life is so void of positive experience and involuntary inertia that even the idea of it existing or happening to me, even after I die seems more strange and fantasy like every day. My life is filled with suffering of physical and mental health conditions, failures, dissapointments, being a dissapointment, failure and a burden on my loved ones, being incel for forever, being loveless from the opposite sex for 9 years now, and it feels like everything is just constantly worsening. I see friends and other people advance in life and I am stuck in inertia and getting order without development. It makes me hate myself that there is something wrong with me. My prime mission in life for a few years now has been to not kill myself before I bury my parents so they don't have to go through that suffering. If they died already I'm pretty sure I'd kill myself. 

But even the thought of death bringing relief is now becoming more strange and unbelievable to me. My experience of life is so paradoxical because I am very sensitive in seeing the beauty in everything, the perfect design of the universe, the beauty in nature, art, beautiful women, just their existence sometimes makes my eyes water. But that makes it all the more absurd and painful to be looking at it from a distance, forever on the bench, forever locked away, and knowing this body is basically a genetic failure. If I could return to this earth in a healthy and genetically better form I would play the game of life over and over again. I'm not against going through pain but right now I am just in inertia and meaningless suffering without rhyme or reason. I am entering pure nihilism where even the self created meaning is becoming totally absurd. 

But I know at least one thing for sure, that Consciousness is immortal. I am just getting more and more paranoid about it never coming to a resolution even after death. Even though this life feels like an absolute prison, I am afraid death is not release. There is no rationality behind this because all I know is Consciousness is eternal, nothing more. What happens after death is a complete mystery.

Is it a good idea to have faith in a state of resolution? that one day the prison doors will open? Am I really God and did I create this dream for myself? Or is the dreamfield God and is there no rhyme or reason behind the next dream? Will I ever wrap around and understand what is happening to me? Will God ever understand all the dreams or is even God oblivious to what happens and exist in them?

Edited 8 hours ago by gengar

[Hojo]

We are equivalent to pressure. Your body under alot of pressure you feel it. when you die pressure is released you go thank God and realize there was none. Or you go the other way and early pressurize yourself even more.

Its up to you.

You can be a pressure cooker with your lid stuck to the rest of the container or you can let go of the pressure.

Right now you feel pressures of life and say thats me but its the air pushing against itself.

The homecoming is when all pressure is released and you float to heaven.

Spirituality is like brining the release of deep sleep into your real life.

 

Like the pressure of a fart in Gods intestine the farting is the awakening.

Edited 1 hour ago by Hojo