Awake and embodied

[C0RE]

I don't even know where to start. 

The past is louder than ever and it's right in my face. One loop after another. If I look into it, I spiral. If I look away, I dissociate. Rarely am I truly relaxed and in my body these days. But when I am, it feels amazing. I crave nothing more than relief right now, yet I cannot shut down this alarm in my mind, that's signaling urgency, provoking panic. 

I have been thinking too much. I have not been taking enough action. I am not in denial about that. I am where I am, as I am, because of the choices I made. I wanted this. Why does it feel so bad now? Have I made a mistake? Is this the wrong path? 

I am 4 months away from potentially realizing all of my dreams. Everything I have been working towards my entire life. I could really pull it off this time. I have everything that I need, and more. But none of that matters or means anything if I continue feeling this way. Or worse, if I am unable to feel anything at all.

 

[C0RE]

My ex reached out in an email a few days ago. We met the same night and had sex. It was wild. It's been a year and a half since we've broken up. 

It was a very difficult and toxic relationship. Of course we should not be hooking up. Of course we should not be seeing each other. 

We are not compatible. But the attraction is just too strong. And there is this sticky question "what if?" that just won't let go of me. What if I don't see it the right way? What if I'm wrong? What if I'm throwing away something big and important? What if she's actually the one? 

I don't want to go into details, at least not now. I have been thinking about this relationship for too long. It's one of the if not the biggest stressor in my life right now. I need to find a way to just let it be and release it. 

No matter the outcome. 

[C0RE]

Gym helps. But even lifting can be done in a disassociated state of being. Just because you exercise, it does not necessarily mean you're embodied. 

Awareness alone does not do the trick either. You can be extremely aware of your condition, and it won't make it go away. 

The issue must be fixed at its core. Conscious breathing. Deep meditation. TRE. That seems to be the way. And the issue is the core. I am disassociated from the center of my body. As if it's not even there. And that creates tension that travels up to my neck, shoulders and head. Causing brain fog, disorientation, instability, insecurity, fear, terror, panic, etc. 

The core is what I want to access. It's where I want to be placed. Where I should be placed. From there, everything seems just OK. The world does not seem do threatening. There is a sense of safety and comfort. 

But accessing it is easier said than done. Especially after a series of traumatic experiences, or a lifetime of operating in survival mode. 

The diaphragm must release and the nervous system must stop bracing. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with trust. 

 

[C0RE]

When I am regulated, grounded, embodied... I feel like my true self. I am confident, free, playful. But also sharp, precise, clever. 

I have a pretty bad anxiety disorder. No question about that. And I got so used to living with it, I started believing that's just how reality is. 

But turns out, life has been waiting for me on the other side of relaxation, all along. 

I have access. I always have had, to some extent. Now it's about making it my new baseline. 

Edited May 23 by C0RE

[C0RE]

To be embodied and awake... 

Now that's bliss. 

[C0RE]

We met up twice more. Sex is amazing, probably even better than before, so that's great. But am I more in my body than before? I don't think so. I think I'm even further away nowadays, only occasionally entering a truly regulated and relaxed state of being. 

Which means, no matter how good the act itself may seem, I am not feeling it at full capacity. I am not as present and embodied as I could be. 

Yes, there is tension in between us and a million unspoken words. But it's as if there is genuine care and understanding underneath it all as well, not only lust. 

We both went through a lot since we've broken up. I think we're both on the same page. There is no reason to dig up the past, or add any kind of pressure on top of everything. Us meeting should be about feeling safe and at peace, relaxed and comfortable. It's about enjoying each other's company. No expectations, no false future narratives. 

And then... Who knows... We'll see as we go. 

[C0RE]

Can something that used to be so heavy and tense become something light and casual? Somehow, it does not seem so difficult to imagine it now. Maybe I am actually letting go and releasing, finally. I am starting to see the dynamic in a different way now. 

My state of being though, is nothing new really. I've been dragging this shit along for most of my life. It's just that recently I became so aware of it that I cannot ignore it anymore. I must tame this somehow, asap. 

SSRI's are not an option. Benzos even less. But I do hear good things about Hydroxyzine and Propranolol.

Seeing a specialist soon.

[C0RE]

Got my medication. It's working. Half a tablet, twice a day. Takes the edge off, loosens attachment, obsessive thinking , etc. Puts me into my body. Access to emotions. Personality is not altered. No unwanted side effects as of now. 

It's not a magic pill. It won't do all the work that needs to be done for me. But it will allow me to be more comfortable in my skin while doing the work. 

So far so good. 

[C0RE]

2 days spent in survival mode. Just now I managed to calm down. Close to full regulation.

Increasing the dose a bit. 

Work is getting more and more stressful. It's hotter and hotter outside everyday. Thoughts about my ex are still triggering the fuck out of me. 

My routine is shit. 

Joking. It's actually perfect. I am just not sticking to it. Like, at all. 

Am I too frozen to take the action I know I need to take? Or is not taking action what's making me freeze? 

I'll try my best to figure it out. 

But, just in case, I do have a solid emergency exit plan, if shit hits the fan. If it comes to it, I can start a rescue mission overnight. 

Everything is OK. It really is. I just wish I could feel like that's true, more often. 

 

[C0RE]

Maximum realization, minimum implementation. That's how I ended up here. That's the source of my frustration. 

Very aware, barely embodied. 

 

[C0RE]

Huh. 

Something very cool happened tonight. 

I sat down with a couple of coworkers and had a beer. And I genuinely enjoyed myself. Like, for real. 

It's been a very long time since I felt like this. Alive, animated, spontaneous. It was actually fun. 

But of course, I was quickly reminded why I don't do this very often. Why I stepped away in the first place. I became too aware of the social masks. The mismatch between my core values and our topics. The pain we're all in, pretending it's not there. 

I became aware how this, if it turns into a lifestyle, can become a distraction, a trap. An escape. Yes, it can be great and it can feel nice, but it can also take you to some dark places. 

Nothing new there, really. I was only reminded tonight. 

Feelig good right now. A bit tipsy, sedated, but very grounded. Grateful, even. 

Edited June 8 by C0RE

[C0RE]

She just left. 

Today was probably the best since we started hooking up. I was not numbed out or dissociated, or floating above my body. I was fully immersed. Connected to feeling. Little to no intrusive thoughts. 

We fucked hard, we made love, ate sushi and ice cream in bed, cuddled a lot. It was lovely. Casual and easy. 

We still seem to be on the same page. No fantasies, no promises. Only two people occasionally getting together to enjoy each other's company. 

I can't say I do not feel attached at all anymore. But I'm definitely gripping a lot less. 

 

Edited June 10 by C0RE

[C0RE]

Another near full reset. Embodied, connected, present, alive. Still some pressure in my head, but it's not too bothersome. Feeling about 85% myself. 

Started working on a new track. The benefits are obvious. 

If I can access this level of regulation at least once a week (hopefully more often) I should be just alright. I could stay here for the summer, grinding, knowing recovery is not too far out of my reach. 

 

[C0RE]

Full embodiment? 

Zero narrative. 

 

[C0RE]

For over a decade the buzzwords in my mind were: enlightenment, God, infinity, absolute

Now the word is: regular 

[C0RE]

Well, here I am. Another leap of fate. Another attempt to bridge this ugly, scary gap. This bottomless pit. 

I've done it once before, albeit not in a very glamorous way. I know it can be done. But do I want to walk down that same old road again? I don't think so. 

I am tired and stressed out. I don't want to suffer unnecessarily anymore. I don't want another war, another fight. I don't want to keep moving with spite, rage and rebellion. It has all served its purpose. And it's all becoming a bit too heavy to carry around. 

I want to do my shit, for its own sake. Not to prove anything. Not to fill a void. But because that's just who I am and what I do. 

I don't want to struggle anymore. But it's like the habit is so deeply ingrained. Do I even know how to live without it? Would I still find meaning without all this suffering? Would I still want to keep moving forward? 

I don't know. I don't think I have spent enough time on the other side to know. Life has largely been a fight for survival so far. A struggle not to lose myself and forget what I am doing. 

It does feel like swimming against the current. But if you're coming from where I am coming from, that seems to be the only way. 

It's not going how I imagined it. But it is moving forward. Other, perhaps even better options are popping up. Still, it is all mostly up in the air. I need something concrete, tangible, stable.

I want to stay here. I want to keep going. I want to build. To grow. To expand. I will endure meaningful struggle. I will overcome challenges and obstacles that are relevant. I just want to stop being consumed by the pain. Paralyzed with fear. Overwhelmed with grief. 

Shit happened, yes. But I keep reopening my wounds over and over again. I keep tormenting myself. 

I choose not to do that anymore. 

[C0RE]

Exhale... Exhale... Exhale 

[C0RE]

I am embarrassed by how much I still think about her. I am embarrassed by how solitary I have become. How empty my life has become. 

Tomorrow is the first day of my new life. New city. New crowd. New scene. 

Yet again. 

But this time I actually want to participate. I want to live. I want to be engaged. To discover, to be surprised, to create, to collaborate. 

And it's as if saying yes to life here, means I probably won't ever see her again. It's ridiculous how much I'm hurting over this. 

Fear, hope, uncertainty... It's a shitty cocktail. 

[C0RE]

It's like an involuntary loss of identity. Although I remember choosing this. I remember cutting the last few remaining ties. I remember wanting a completely blank canvas. I was excited about it. I was empowered. Confident. 

Delusional. 

I ditched my old identity without having a new one lined up. Raw, vulnerable, exposed. And then life kicked me in the balls, hard. As if to welcome me to the next level of my evolution. 

Oh how I miss the fire, the strength, the will of that old self. I remember I really stood for something. I really meant it. I was ready to go above and beyond, no matter how crazy it seemed. I was part of a larger movement. A frontier. I was a leader of a resistance. A revolution. A rebellion. An awakening. 

I had a powerful message and I believed in it. I believed it was necessary to spread that message, using the tools, methods and skills I have. It was my calling. My purpose. My mission. My duty. 

I don't feel that anymore. I don't feel myself. It's like I'm a ghost in my own life. It's like I'm in spectator mode. Sometimes refusing to participate, other times not being able to. 

Everything sick and twisted is normalized. If you try to point it out or go against it, you will be silenced quickly. The system is too big, too powerful and it has too many of us. People are barely holding it together. One tiny little push away from lashing out or having a meltdown. It's in the air. These are crazy times we live in. 

Work in silence. In solitude. Move without big announcements. Don't even do what you do as a form of rebellion. Simply just do it. Simply just be. That alone is an act of resistance. 

I look through the window and I still see a prison. I still feel trapped. I am still not truly my own. And it hurts now more than ever. 

I know the way, I see the way, but walking this path has become unbelievably difficult. 

The harder I try to free myself, the deeper I sink. I don't trust anyone to pull me out, no one really cares, and actually I want to do it myself. 

I am not ok. I am beyond fucking pissed and sad and heartbroken. But I buried it all so deep I cannot even connect to it anymore.

I refuse to settle for a life like this. I refuse to eat the shit everyone is eating. I refuse to pretend everything is fine. I cannot tolerate or accept it. 

I am not against life. I want to live, very much so. It's just that I never had the chance to truly live. 

 

 

[C0RE]

Punching bag! Yes! 

It's so good, on so many levels. Instant, full embodiment. Massive discharge. Core engagement. Breathing better. Thinking clearer. 

I'm loving it.