C0RE

I am embarrassed by how much I still think about her. I am embarrassed by how solitary I have become. How empty my life has become. Tomorrow is the first day of my new life. New city. New crowd. New scene. Yet again. But this time I actually want to participate. I want to live. I want to be engaged. To discover, to be surprised, to create, to collaborate. And it's as if saying yes to life here, means I probably won't ever see her again. It's ridiculous how much I'm hurting over this. Fear, hope, uncertainty... It's a shitty cocktail.

Exhale... Exhale... Exhale

Well, here I am. Another leap of fate. Another attempt to bridge this ugly, scary gap. This bottomless pit. I've done it once before, albeit not in a very glamorous way. I know it can be done. But do I want to walk down that same old road again? I don't think so. I am tired and stressed out. I don't want to suffer unnecessarily anymore. I don't want another war, another fight. I don't want to keep moving with spite, rage and rebellion. It has all served its purpose. And it's all becoming a bit too heavy to carry around. I want to do my shit, for its own sake. Not to prove anything. Not to fill a void. But because that's just who I am and what I do. I don't want to struggle anymore. But it's like the habit is so deeply ingrained. Do I even know how to live without it? Would I still find meaning without all this suffering? Would I still want to keep moving forward? I don't know. I don't think I have spent enough time on the other side to know. Life has largely been a fight for survival so far. A struggle not to lose myself and forget what I am doing. It does feel like swimming against the current. But if you're coming from where I am coming from, that seems to be the only way. It's not going how I imagined it. But it is moving forward. Other, perhaps even better options are popping up. Still, it is all mostly up in the air. I need something concrete, tangible, stable. I want to stay here. I want to keep going. I want to build. To grow. To expand. I will endure meaningful struggle. I will overcome challenges and obstacles that are relevant. I just want to stop being consumed by the pain. Paralyzed with fear. Overwhelmed with grief. Shit happened, yes. But I keep reopening my wounds over and over again. I keep tormenting myself. I choose not to do that anymore.

For over a decade the buzzwords in my mind were: enlightenment, God, infinity, absolute Now the word is: regular

Full embodiment? Zero narrative.

Another near full reset. Embodied, connected, present, alive. Still some pressure in my head, but it's not too bothersome. Feeling about 85% myself. Started working on a new track. The benefits are obvious. If I can access this level of regulation at least once a week (hopefully more often) I should be just alright. I could stay here for the summer, grinding, knowing recovery is not too far out of my reach.

She just left. Today was probably the best since we started hooking up. I was not numbed out or dissociated, or floating above my body. I was fully immersed. Connected to feeling. Little to no intrusive thoughts. We fucked hard, we made love, ate sushi and ice cream in bed, cuddled a lot. It was lovely. Casual and easy. We still seem to be on the same page. No fantasies, no promises. Only two people occasionally getting together to enjoy each other's company. I can't say I do not feel attached at all anymore. But I'm definitely gripping a lot less.

Huh. Something very cool happened tonight. I sat down with a couple of coworkers and had a beer. And I genuinely enjoyed myself. Like, for real. It's been a very long time since I felt like this. Alive, animated, spontaneous. It was actually fun. But of course, I was quickly reminded why I don't do this very often. Why I stepped away in the first place. I became too aware of the social masks. The mismatch between my core values and our topics. The pain we're all in, pretending it's not there. I became aware how this, if it turns into a lifestyle, can become a distraction, a trap. An escape. Yes, it can be great and it can feel nice, but it can also take you to some dark places. Nothing new there, really. I was only reminded tonight. Feelig good right now. A bit tipsy, sedated, but very grounded. Grateful, even.

Maximum realization, minimum implementation. That's how I ended up here. That's the source of my frustration. Very aware, barely embodied.

2 days spent in survival mode. Just now I managed to calm down. Close to full regulation. Increasing the dose a bit. Work is getting more and more stressful. It's hotter and hotter outside everyday. Thoughts about my ex are still triggering the fuck out of me. My routine is shit. Joking. It's actually perfect. I am just not sticking to it. Like, at all. Am I too frozen to take the action I know I need to take? Or is not taking action what's making me freeze? I'll try my best to figure it out. But, just in case, I do have a solid emergency exit plan, if shit hits the fan. If it comes to it, I can start a rescue mission overnight. Everything is OK. It really is. I just wish I could feel like that's true, more often.

Got my medication. It's working. Half a tablet, twice a day. Takes the edge off, loosens attachment, obsessive thinking , etc. Puts me into my body. Access to emotions. Personality is not altered. No unwanted side effects as of now. It's not a magic pill. It won't do all the work that needs to be done for me. But it will allow me to be more comfortable in my skin while doing the work. So far so good.

Can something that used to be so heavy and tense become something light and casual? Somehow, it does not seem so difficult to imagine it now. Maybe I am actually letting go and releasing, finally. I am starting to see the dynamic in a different way now. My state of being though, is nothing new really. I've been dragging this shit along for most of my life. It's just that recently I became so aware of it that I cannot ignore it anymore. I must tame this somehow, asap. SSRI's are not an option. Benzos even less. But I do hear good things about Hydroxyzine and Propranolol. Seeing a specialist soon.

We met up twice more. Sex is amazing, probably even better than before, so that's great. But am I more in my body than before? I don't think so. I think I'm even further away nowadays, only occasionally entering a truly regulated and relaxed state of being. Which means, no matter how good the act itself may seem, I am not feeling it at full capacity. I am not as present and embodied as I could be. Yes, there is tension in between us and a million unspoken words. But it's as if there is genuine care and understanding underneath it all as well, not only lust. We both went through a lot since we've broken up. I think we're both on the same page. There is no reason to dig up the past, or add any kind of pressure on top of everything. Us meeting should be about feeling safe and at peace, relaxed and comfortable. It's about enjoying each other's company. No expectations, no false future narratives. And then... Who knows... We'll see as we go.

To be embodied and awake... Now that's bliss.

When I am regulated, grounded, embodied... I feel like my true self. I am confident, free, playful. But also sharp, precise, clever. I have a pretty bad anxiety disorder. No question about that. And I got so used to living with it, I started believing that's just how reality is. But turns out, life has been waiting for me on the other side of relaxation, all along. I have access. I always have had, to some extent. Now it's about making it my new baseline.