C0RE

Gym helps. But even lifting can be done in a disassociated state of being. Just because you exercise, it does not necessarily mean you're embodied. Awareness alone does not do the trick either. You can be extremely aware of your condition, and it won't make it go away. The issue must be fixed at its core. Conscious breathing. Deep meditation. TRE. That seems to be the way. And the issue is the core. I am disassociated from the center of my body. As if it's not even there. And that creates tension that travels up to my neck, shoulders and head. Causing brain fog, disorientation, instability, insecurity, fear, terror, panic, etc. The core is what I want to access. It's where I want to be placed. Where I should be placed. From there, everything seems just OK. The world does not seem do threatening. There is a sense of safety and comfort. But accessing it is easier said than done. Especially after a series of traumatic experiences, or a lifetime of operating in survival mode. The diaphragm must release and the nervous system must stop bracing. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with trust.

My ex reached out in an email a few days ago. We met the same night and had sex. It was wild. It's been a year and a half since we've broken up. It was a very difficult and toxic relationship. Of course we should not be hooking up. Of course we should not be seeing each other. We are not compatible. But the attraction is just too strong. And there is this sticky question "what if?" that just won't let go of me. What if I don't see it the right way? What if I'm wrong? What if I'm throwing away something big and important? What if she's actually the one? I don't want to go into details, at least not now. I have been thinking about this relationship for too long. It's one of the if not the biggest stressor in my life right now. I need to find a way to just let it be and release it. No matter the outcome.

I don't even know where to start. The past is louder than ever and it's right in my face. One loop after another. If I look into it, I spiral. If I look away, I dissociate. Rarely am I truly relaxed and in my body these days. But when I am, it feels amazing. I crave nothing more than relief right now, yet I cannot shut down this alarm in my mind, that's signaling urgency, provoking panic. I have been thinking too much. I have not been taking enough action. I am not in denial about that. I am where I am, as I am, because of the choices I made. I wanted this. Why does it feel so bad now? Have I made a mistake? Is this the wrong path? I am 4 months away from potentially realizing all of my dreams. Everything I have been working towards my entire life. I could really pull it off this time. I have everything that I need, and more. But none of that matters or means anything if I continue feeling this way. Or worse, if I am unable to feel anything at all.