The obstacle for real meditation

[Breakingthewall]

3 hours ago, Grateful Dead said:

That's why I think one must first break free from the shackles of the world in order to live freely in the real world. 

I believe it's not necessary to break down physically; it's enough to do it mentally. To truly live as if death or catastrophe (for example, a serious illness) could happen in a minute. Which is absolutely true.

3 hours ago, Grateful Dead said:

By the way, if you like Kali, you should read The Gospel of Ramakrishna if you don't already know it. He embodied Kali and surrendered himself completely to her. The openness in which he lived is beyond comprehension.

I didn't, I read some about Ramakrishna time ago and I didn't get it a lot but now thinking about it seems that he's the mystic that really understood the creative power, the positive affirmation that being implies, and the absolute beauty of the form.

About Kali, destruction has something like erotic, but I'm the sense of totally giving yourself, like from destruction the new emerges, the pure being in a clean form forged in the pain and fight. Kali steps Shiva because from the absolute, the dance of form always arises, creation without limit, absolutely wild, without control, unfathomable depth from the unlimited vitality of the unlimited abyss manifest itself. Kali is the absolute mystery taking forms, dancing with itself staring you with the face of a demon that hides a god. 

[Breakingthewall]

3 hours ago, Grateful Dead said:

For me, form is only here to help me learn how to free myself from it. Ultimately, I see it as a projection of the mind, and when the mind is completely pure, there is no more projection, only endless expanse without limits.

Probably this is the other side of the absolute, the purest, the unlimited without quality. For me it's always with quality, like the unlimited means all the qualities merged, the fact of being is affirmative, it's like brilliant, expansion, glory of being. But probably this could have a part of projection 

[Grateful Dead]

On 11.5.2026 at 0:45 AM, Breakingthewall said:

I believe it's not necessary to break down physically; it's enough to do it mentally.

Yes, that's what I mean. Deconstructing the mental construct of the world so that one perceives it as unfiltered as possible.

On 11.5.2026 at 0:45 AM, Breakingthewall said:

To truly live as if death or catastrophe (for example, a serious illness) could happen in a minute. Which is absolutely true.

That's exactly what I strive for. Living in the light. A fresh perception that slows everything down and honors it.

On 11.5.2026 at 0:45 AM, Breakingthewall said:

I didn't, I read some about Ramakrishna time ago and I didn't get it a lot but now thinking about it seems that he's the mystic that really understood the creative power, the positive affirmation that being implies, and the absolute beauty of the form.

The Gospel really gives a very good insight into his life. He truly worshipped all forms as Kali, in a way that even truly spiritual people considered insane.

His life is really interesting when you consider how open he was. For someone like him, it would be impossible to live in society. Small things were enough for him to shatter all boundaries, and he would be completely gone in Samadhi, often for hours, and his devotees had to care for him like for a child. He trurly lived as a child of Kali in complete innocence.

On 11.5.2026 at 0:49 AM, Breakingthewall said:

Probably this is the other side of the absolute, the purest, the unlimited without quality. For me it's always with quality, like the unlimited means all the qualities merged, the fact of being is affirmative, it's like brilliant, expansion, glory of being. But probably this could have a part of projection 

I have trained my mind to perceive the formless as the essence in everything. Often, for example, I look around and everything appears identical to me. Of course, I see different forms, like a table and a screen, but everything shares the same formless essence, that which never changes. And for me, the formless also has a quality; I don't see it as neutral in the sense of being without attributes, but simply neutral in the sense that there is no opposite to it, no polarity. Formless being is pure joy and imbued with the deepest peace.

I am aware that this path is not the only way to liberate the mind and open oneself up. It simply happens that this path best suits my experiences and inclinations. For a time, it might seem limited, but I believe that in the end, everything leads to the same goal: the complete opening of the mind.

[Breakingthewall]

On 12/5/2026 at 1:45 PM, Grateful Dead said:

His life is really interesting when you consider how open he was. For someone like him, it would be impossible to live in society. Small things were enough for him to shatter all boundaries, and he would be completely gone in Samadhi, often for hours, and his devotees had to care for him like for a child. He trurly lived as a child of Kali in complete innocence.

Thanks for the suggestion. Today I spent some time reading about the life and thought of Ramakrishna. He was a true mystic, vital, humble, joyful, who loved people and life. A man open to the absolute.

On 12/5/2026 at 1:45 PM, Grateful Dead said:

have trained my mind to perceive the formless as the essence in everything. Often, for example, I look around and everything appears identical to me. Of course, I see different forms, like a table and a screen, but everything shares the same formless essence, that which never changes. And for me, the formless also has a quality; I don't see it as neutral in the sense of being without attributes, but simply neutral in the sense that there is no opposite to it, no polarity. Formless being is pure joy and imbued with the deepest peace.

I am aware that this path is not the only way to liberate the mind and open oneself up. It simply happens that this path best suits my experiences and inclinations. For a time, it might seem limited, but I believe that in the end, everything leads to the same goal: the complete opening of the mind.

That sounds like real openness and a serious path that has reached a point where things are no longer just a possibility, but a reality. I suspect that if you've gotten this far, it's because life has put you between a wall and a sword . We, the civilized, are not like those in Ramakrishna's time, when mystics sometimes flourished in environments where depth and the sacred were palpable in everyday life. Today, those of us who are drawn to mysticism do so because at some point life places us in a desert where there is absolutely nothing authentic, beautiful, or valuable. Like rats in a maze, we search for the way out.

On 12/5/2026 at 1:45 PM, Grateful Dead said:

Formless being is pure joy and imbued with the deepest peace.

In my case, more than form or formless, what I would say happens is that my system loses its contraction, and reality is perceived as alive, limitless, joyful, luminous. But I want to go further.

The thing is, I've managed to go from a, let's say, horrible state to an expansive, clean joyful stable state, without rumination, with a high capacity for connection, in something like 5 or 6 years of real focus on inner openness. But my intuition tells me there's more, that here and now reality is available to reveal its deepest face.

Last week I started using psychedelics again; it had been more than a year since I'd done so. Specifically, DMT. The experience with DMT for me is quite horrible: reality becomes an empty black hole. There is no hallucinations, no self, nothing at all, just emptiness, nothing, for 10 minutes. It's not a living nothingness; it's simply nothing in the sense that there is just black without limits a d without any form and without any life. Then at night I return to that state of total emptiness several times. I do this several days in a row.

Before, this was profoundly destabilizing, but now not so much. It seems to me a way of softening the perceptual field, of making the energy field more tenuous.

In the end (at least it used to be this way in the past), on one of those trips, the void opens and the totality is revealed. It's something that can't be thought or remembered; it's another frequency of perception or being that I can't evoke. 

Violating the gates of heaven seems somewhat arrogant and violent, but on the other hand, it's too tempting to don't try to do. Lets see if It can be useful to make easier the openess to the absolute or not. In the past my goal was over all breaking my sick structure because if felt bad. Now it's to open my self to what is, because I want to. 

Edited Wednesday at 07:36 PM by Breakingthewall

[Grateful Dead]

13 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

He was a true mystic, vital, humble, joyful, who loved people and life. A man open to the absolute.

Yes! He's a great inspiration to me. Once, when I was on psychedelics, I imitated him, just for fun. But that gave me a brief, spontaneous glimpse into his state of mind and his attitude. He had the innocence of a child combined with the wisdom of a mystic.

13 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

I suspect that if you've gotten this far, it's because life has put you between a wall and a sword .

Today, those of us who are drawn to mysticism do so because at some point life places us in a desert where there is absolutely nothing authentic, beautiful, or valuable. Like rats in a maze, we search for the way out.

That's right. The world wore me down at a fairly young age. For a long time, it felt like I was being tortured. Suffering and longing drove me. Now it's a natural surrender to reality.

13 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

In my case, more than form or formless, what I would say happens is that my system loses its contraction, and reality is perceived as alive, limitless, joyful, luminous. But I want to go further.

That happens to me too, but only on good days when I'm in an opening phase. The perception of the formless essence, as I described before, is relatively stable, even on the worst days. However, I view the perception of the formless in everything merely as a learning device.

13 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

But my intuition tells me there's more, that here and now reality is available to reveal its deepest face.

And what do you envision by that? A state of permanent revelation? I sometimes think that when I read your posts, but I believe that's extremely rare and not really achievable except under extraordinary circumstances.

What I want is a permanent shift in identity and perception. To turn everything upside down for good, so to speak. A perfect awareness of oneness. So far, these are just phases, but I know I can stabilize it, though it will take some years more.

13 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

Specifically, DMT. The experience with DMT for me is quite horrible: reality becomes an empty black hole. There is no hallucinations, no self, nothing at all, just emptiness, nothing, for 10 minutes. It's not a living nothingness; it's simply nothing in the sense that there is just black without limits a d without any form and without any life.

I have experienced this on 5-MeO-DMT as well, and often on LSD. I had called it existential terror.

13 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

Violating the gates of heaven seems somewhat arrogant and violent, but on the other hand, it's too tempting to don't try to do. Lets see if It can be useful to make easier the openess to the absolute or not.

Why did you take a long break and why did you start again?

I'm asking because I'm no longer sure if psychedelics are still beneficial for me or if they're more of a hindrance. I've also been on a long break, and lately I've been thinking about them a lot again. I somehow don't see any reason to take them anymore. I'm no longer looking for experiences or insights. What I want is a lasting openness, and the work for that lies in everyday life. I find psychedelics distract you from that because the chemical alteration puts you in a state that doesn't correspond to actual reality, and then you can't work where you are. What do you think about that?

13 hours ago, Breakingthewall said:

In the past my goal was over all breaking my sick structure because if felt bad. Now it's to open my self to what is, because I want to. 

Same here. Before, I was driven. Now, it is simply what remains. The natural tendency of the mind to be completely free.

[Breakingthewall]

1 hour ago, Grateful Dead said:

have experienced this on 5-MeO-DMT as well, and often on LSD. I had called it existential terror.

I also experienced that with 5-MeO-DMT, exactly the same as with NNDMT, and also with marijuana and meditation. It's absolute emptiness, and it's perceived as if reality were a multicolored hologram, an appearance beneath which there is nothing. The first time I had this experience, it took me a year to dare to do psychedelics again. It's truly unsettling, sad. Later, I went back to doing 5-MeO, and it was always the same, so I thought: this is like advanced Buddhist meditation but with a booster; the point is to get used to the emptiness. It's extremely challenging because it truly is emptiness, and it feels like an absolute revelation. It's so horrible that the mind tries to erase it, searching for things to fill the void.

Once I did 5meo and I had that experience again, and I thought: again the horrible shit, well, seems that this is what reality has to show me again today. Automatically I put a lot of 5 meo in the pipe without weight it, I put flame and I absolutely true thought: show me the truth or kill me. Then reality opened up.  It was absolutely obvious, was what I am. Unlimited life, unlimited being, the absolute that is. It's not something that is possible to think, just being open to it 

This very moment started a real change, it's like something that was closed in more or less extent from my birth was totally opened for a while. That's everything, anything else is nothing, shadows. Being open is the only way. After that I did psychedelics sometimes but not high dose, over all small dose of THC for meditation, getting expanded states very often, absolutely empty of interpretation, free, but not totally absolutely open except in punctual occasions, maybe 8 times very short moments, maybe more in the middle of the night.

After that i perceive where are the closures and little by little I polish myself to be able to greater openess. It's something that happens naturally, like if anything attracts you and you just have to let it happens. 

1 hour ago, Grateful Dead said:

Why did you take a long break and why did you start again?

I started again because I feel that it's time to break some barriers and I find that DMT is a good tool and it doesn't feel unhealthy. Im not seeking realizations, just seeing my lack of surrender, perceive my fear. It's not like I want that psychedelic do the work for me but show where are the closures. Imo It's extremely useful. It's very important don't seek visions, realizations, etc, just a tool for openess .

1 hour ago, Grateful Dead said:

What I want is a lasting openness, and the work for that lies in everyday life

Yes but the point is that here and now the absolute is ready to be revealed in all it's glory. Before for me was a matter of self help. I wanted to stop suffering. Now it's a matter like, it's real, it's what I am, it's not something like a myth or a future possiblity, here and now the totality is being manifested as me and being veiled to it seems a mistake. Pursue anything else is pursuing shadows. Right now my state is like a miracle in comparison with 2 years ago, seems impossible, but anyway I want everything. Just because it's everything, it's what we are. If the doors of infinity can be opened, it's absolutely crazy don't do it.

Of course as we said the existential horror of the dead void is a frontier that has to be stared and accepted before . If you are not totally open it's always this thought: if it at the end , when everything is open, reality is just void and everything is an illusion, and me and all the mystics were wrong, just suggested, deceived, stupid, and I'm the one who will discover the absolute horror of the absolute nihilism of what reality is, without scape? That's what one have to accept before to go. I'd say that you understand how scary is this, even if you had openess before, if it's not happening now doubts arises immediately. Openess is not a matter of knowing , it's actual, right now. If not it's like it was just a deception

Edited 4 hours ago by Breakingthewall