Journal

[Someone here]

A helpful thing to remember when you’re having suicidal thoughts is to pay closer attention to what your mind is actually telling you.

Your mind says, “I want to die.” But if you look at that thought more carefully, is that really what you want? Or is it more like, “I want to die right now. This moment fucking sucks, and I don’t know how to deal with it anymore”?

There’s a difference between the two. The second might be much closer to what you’re actually experiencing. Because maybe a day, a month, or a year ago, you didn’t want to die. Maybe you were happy with your life, or at least wanted to see what tomorrow would bring. Something has changed, and it’s worth asking yourself what it is.

So try to figure out what makes this particular moment so unbearable, and whether there’s something you can do to change it. And if you can’t figure it out on your own, or if everything just feels like too much, find someone you can cry in the arms of. Someone you can be completely honest with, without having to pretend you’re okay. Your mom, your partner, or anyone you trust enough to let yourself fall apart in front of.

And maybe you need to talk to a therapist, too. I know I’ve needed that myself, plenty of times. There’s no shame in it. It helps.

You don’t have to figure everything out right now. Sometimes, you just need to get through this moment. Important distinction when dealing with suicidal thoughts.

[Someone here]

In a very clear sense, I have come to see the apparent character I appear as in the world as something being moved by a force beyond its own understanding. It is as though I am watching a life unfold through this body, yet the ultimate source of the movement remains unknown to me. I experience myself as someone who thinks and makes decisions but beneath all of this , how much of what I call my life is actually authored by me? And how much of it is simply unfolding through me according to power I don’t fully comprehend?

 We call that unknown force God. I do not necessarily mean God in the conventional religious sense, with all the human interpretations that have accumulated around the word. I mean the unknown reality behind existence, the source or governing principle to which the entire movement of life ultimately belongs .I call it unknown and even unknowable. No body knows what that is. Because that’s its very nature . It can’t be known because knowing implies a distinction between the knower and the known but let’s put that aside for now .I do not claim to understand its nature or its intentions .In fact,  mystery is precisely what makes the question so profound. I am not pretending to know what this force is but rather I am questioning whether the individual human being has ever possessed the slightest little ounce of control over his or her own life. And strike it out NO. It’s all being done by god or the unknown force . 
people, me included , don’t like this idea and they will dance around it with million excuses for why we should not live our lives or act from that perspective because it’s impractical and a little bit nihilistic. But here is where we have to draw a distinction between truth and practicality.  It’s true but impractical. And realizing it as true won’t make our lives more or less functional because it is already the case whether we realize it or not .  But actually it will make us more relaxed and live life with such ease and peace because we are fully aware that our lives are like a dream where the unknown force is orchestrating our lives and we don’t know what is happening to us in a moment from now and that can help us live with less stress and anxiety.

i will add more but that’s what occurs to me at this moment. But this is an important topic to me .

Edited 5 hours ago by Someone here