My First Self-inquiry, A Bit About Me And A Few Questions

[phokas]

I would like to start by presenting some seemingly random facts about me, but I believe will be relevant to the post: I'm your typical logical/rational guy, having a materialistic view of the universe, I don't believe in god (s) and I think all (most?) religions are just silly mythology packaged in a clever way and sold as life meaning and wisdom (my direct experience only includes Christianity though, eastern religions seem to have interesting ideas).

Nevertheless, I'm not closed minded enough to believe that matter is all there is, and that science/rationality can explain everything, I fully embrace the mystery that is existence, and consciousness. I am really intrigued by the idea of enlightenment and ego-loss, and I wholeheartedly want to find out more. So, I read 'Leo's Practical Guide To Enlightenment' post and I'm really determined to do it.

Recently I've been struggling to setup a daily meditation habit. I work the typical 8 hours a day BS, plus transport and lunch, when I get home I'm unmotivated, so far have been unable to sustain a daily habit. Today I decided to do the self-inquiry meditation while in the train, so I setup my timer and started. The session lasted 46 min.

So, here is what I really wanted to say, its about the meditation session itself: it is so hard, and frustrating. As I ask many times "who am I, what am I?", this "voice" inside tells me "I am I! How can it be that I'm not me?", then another one will pop up and say "No, you're not, you're here to discover who/what you are!". Then, another thought comes in, "try to remember the steps from Leo, ah yes, Do not philosophize! Do not theorize". So after some frustration with feeling I'm getting nowhere by asking, I try to keep silence, keep it quiet, no thoughts. Of course that state doesn't last much, probably a few seconds, I guess I should expect that, since I'm a noob. 

Another thought came, which was the idea to create this post here. This thought in particular kept coming back multiple times, very insistent.

So I felt it was a little bit overwhelmed, I felt really bored multiple times, and I can see that doing that everyday for months/years will be very challenging. 

I would like to ask a few questions:
    - Is it too much to jump from almost never doing it, to daily 40 min (possibly 2 times in a day, in my to/from commute)
    - Is it a really bad idea doing it in the train? Maybe doing in a more comfortable setting will be better?
    - Should I really only keep asking? Or should I also keep it quiet like in meditation?
    
Thanks a lot for reading all of this stuff I had to write, really appreciated!

Edited May 31, 2017 by phokas
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[Dodo]

I would say try to just be aware of the I thought that is your religion. Where does it come from? Who is aware even of it?

Do conceptual asking,  but also try to just ask the question experientially. Just try to find yourself with your attention, who's attention?  And the game begins.

I don't do separate time for self enquiry, I do it in my normal daily life experience.

 

[Danielle]

I would recommend doing some form of mindfulness  practice first, because you don't yet understand the difference between awareness and thought. Raise your awareness first and then start asking the real questions. 

You can do self inquiry first, but it won't be as powerful. 

It depends, people who have been doing inquiry for years can do it in any situation with a lot of people around them, but in your case, because you're starting out,  best option would be to do it alone in silence.

And yeaah keep asking, ask as much as you want, I ask myself from the moment I wake up until I fall asleep(when I remember). The mind has to exhaust itself somehow 

[phokas]

Thanks for the answers!

 

20 hours ago, Danielle said:

It depends, people who have been doing inquiry for years can do it in any situation with a lot of people around them

Strangely, all the noises and people around me didn't distract me much (at least I think so), the real struggle comes from within.