Beans & Joy’s Journal 🐯🌈

[Yimpa]

7 hours ago, Beans said:

You put too much value on others’ opinion of you rather than caring about your own.

Fuck, you’re right. Thank you for giving me your autistic, no bulkshit observation about my blind spots.

Edited 11 hours ago by Yimpa

[Yimpa]

I figured out who I am while being a poor piece of shit. Without being part of a work culture. Without some academic fool forcing their beliefs down my throats. I dropped all the support groups I am a part of. I refuse to allow any social systems to water down or dilute me. I don’t give a fuck if you care about me or not. You don’t. You only care about me for selfish reasons.

Everyone has the wrong ideas or me, that I am just some woke idiot, that I am a good person, that I am part of their games. I am not. I’m not playing anymore. People will have their assumptions about me. And they’re all wrong. They don’t know me. They have perverted ideas of me based on my appearance. I refuse to give access to people or systems who will exploit me for money, sex, fame, ideology, validation.

Everyone is in a game of survival. I am no longer entertaining it. If the truth ends me, so be it. I’d rather figure out what is tru than delude myself with false comforts and rewards from a circle that I trapped myself in. 

[Yimpa]

I’ve seen hundreds of mental health professionals throughout my life, and only 0.5% truly understand how the mind works at a serious level. Everyone else was just an ideological pawn who treated me like a textbook.

[Yimpa]

The corruption is not limited to the mental health field. This corruption is festering in EVERY field.

Infinite Titanics and Icebergs FOR ALL!

Imagine investing your whole life building towards something only to realize that it was all imaginary. And yet still use their imagination so surface level, so conformist, so ugly, so predictable and domesticated like a factory animal. That is the game everyone is playing. Sleep walking and acting like everyone around them (the ones they approve, that is) is awake.

Edited 6 hours ago by Yimpa

[Yimpa]

The rage i spit is a violent bae of congratulating myself for making it this far 🖤🔥

[Yimpa]

all i wanted was connection 

masking helps me master survival, but it dosen’t help me break free of the social matrix

alien mind is giving biscuit trails everywhere. every interaction is a clue. it’s not that things are happening for a finite self, it is the universe nudging itself towards deeper understanding. 

Edited 3 hours ago by Yimpa

[Yimpa]

i cannot become fully autonomous of mind if i am conforming to others, even the ones closest to me

if i am not being honest with who or what I am, then we all fail. the best of “other” comes out when I am being 💯 with them!

i can meet others with where they’re at without sacrificing what i know to be true deep down. 

Edited 3 hours ago by Yimpa

[Yimpa]

we are all in this together, but that doesn’t mean we are all at the same level of readiness. discernment is key

fill your cup with what you need, and then deconstruct it when it no longer is serving you

the issue i faced was assuming everyone equally wanted to understand selflessness.
boundless does not equal allowing selfish minds to take advantage of you. 

Edited 3 hours ago by Yimpa

[Yimpa]

everyone else was being triggered, i wanted to join the fun in my own little bubble ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

The collective period of truth seeking has just begun.

I am reminding myself not to get too caught up in the details, who said what, and instead see how ALL of this is interconnecting with each other. 

Edited 2 hours ago by Yimpa

[Yimpa]

I told Beans the truth and it nearly ended the two of us.  Yet it did not, because our Intelligence has reached Titanic levels of wisdom, thanks to all this consciousness work.  Now that the truth has been revealed, there is no turning back. We will resolve the inner machinations of our fears in due time. 

F ICE, OCD, and PTSD. F IT all to HELL!

I see the patterns of deceit so clearly, yet the system is so enmeshed in its own self-sabotage that it knows no other way.  My blindspot is not wanting to engage in a broken system out of fear of being hurt again. 

Edited 3 hours ago by Yimpa

[Yimpa]

If my presence didn’ dosent end you with a taste of Love, then i have failed.

 Categorizing the expression of Love to be a certain way, dead end.

Readiness for multiple Infinities and Perspectives to co-exist, system not ready yet.

Edited 2 hours ago by Yimpa

[Beans]

I don’t enjoy your truth when it’s rooted in  anger, frustration or a lack of understanding wholeness. 
and honestly there are definitely parts where we aren’t compatible at all. 
 

just as you speak your truth I will do the same thing too. 
 

just as I’ve told you in the beginning I continue to tell you now.

if you are ever unhappy with me or our relationship we don’t need to be together. 
 

if you feel so happy by yourself then our relationship doesn’t have to continue. 
 

I don’t force things or friendships

if I know it’s going to be explosive, or difficult on my other relationships. And you’re right when I’m out doing my own things I’m having fun and I’m so glad to hear you also have fun by yourself. 
 

it use to really really hurt when things like this happen. 
I use to cry so much. I use to desperately search for comfort anywhere. 
 

And that’s why I’m so grateful I found an online community, friends, etc. 

it gets to a point to where you become numb from all the hurt. To where you learn to protect yourself and distance yourself. I’m not being cold or malicious. I cannot allow it. 
 

im so glad that 

i now have the strength and understanding to be like “no. I don’t feel safe with this. I’m not ready for this, etc.”

because before I couldn’t. 
I do everything I can to respect you, understand you, be patient with you, but when it comes to me or difficult situations between us I really do feel their is a lack of the same energy. 

[Yimpa]

@Beans We can always deescalate to just being family members, no hard feelings.

Edited 2 hours ago by Yimpa

[Beans]

I care about you. A whole lot. And I always want the best for you. And I’ll always forever be grateful for what you and your family has for me. 
 

you really have changed my life, and our family. 
for the better. And for that I will always love you and respect you. Of course the same thing for them. I will always love them. They’ve treated me so much more better than my biological family. 
 

for the first time in a very long time I got to celebrate Christmas. Valentines, etc.

 

and I miss these holidays so bad. Not for the material things, but for the memories my grandparents have created with me. 
to be able to relive these memories in a different way. Means a lot to me, but sometimes I don’t think your brain realizes or sees what I try to show. 

[Beans]

1 minute ago, Yimpa said:

@Beans We can always deescalate to just being family members, no hard feelings.

I definitely need time to process things and right now isn’t an appropriate time. 
I just felt like I really needed to be honest with how things are right now. And get some things off my chest. 

[Yimpa]

Setting boundaries has always been a challenge for me. I was always punished or forced to conform, even when i felt uncomfortable. So i masked comfort with a smile on my face.

Exposing myself to a myriad of examples of  boundary being disrespected in the past week, both from a distance and at home has been hella traumatic for me. But in a healthy way.  I am learning not to take it personally. We all unconsciously do it. The difference now is I don’t have to be a slave to the old scrips of “conform to what I need you to do or else”… no! I can distance myself from spaces and people that clearly have no interest in respecting boundaries. 

There will even be times where I know in my heart something is the right thing to do, and my mind will sneakily try to push me away from that experience. Supposedly to protect myself? Haha! A sneaky trap my own mind is playing. So i cannot even escape this problem even if I avoided every human and system on the planet.

So in conclusion, it’s my ultimately my own responsibility to right this wrong. Clear the Devil out of my system. Feel into when something is off, and immediately say “this is making me uncomfortable”.  No need to rationalize or explain why. No need to comfort THEM when it is actually THEM that makes me uncomfortable. Thats the people pleasing in me fucking me over.

 I have a more wisdom in how I use my voice and present myself now, unlike even just a a month ago. I am continuously learning how  to utilize it in ways that are aligned to my values and truth as a whole. 

Edited 2 hours ago by Yimpa

[Yimpa]

49 minutes ago, Beans said:

im so glad that 

i now have the strength and understanding to be like “no. I don’t feel safe with this. I’m not ready for this, etc.”

because before I couldn’t. 
I do everything I can to respect you, understand you, be patient with you, but when it comes to me or difficult situations between us I really do feel their is a lack of the same energy. 

Not all parts of me should be trusted. It’s good that you’re starting to make distinctions between which parts of me are safe and which ones aren’t. 

There are parts of me that want you gone. So please don’t be fooled that I am always Good for you.

You are doing a great job setting boundaries against those parts of me that want us to hit an iceberg. Let’s get them off the driver’s seat.

[Yimpa]

On 2/19/2026 at 6:43 PM, Beans said:

then suddenly joy accidentally knocks into my cup which had my coffee. Joy’s fear to this felt like as if a house was on fire. I felt bad.