Guys, I'll tell you in the morning

[trenton]

Okay, I remember that the forum said it didn't want me posting while I am high. Therefore, I am texting this reminder to tell me to wait until later so I don't forget to tell you about what I experienced while I was high.

I hope you can be understanding. See you soon. Sorry for technically posting while high, but I want to make sure I don't forget to tell you.

Love and Peace

[Xonas Pitfall]

Excited! 

[trenton]

I took notes while it was happening but I need to get a hold of my aunt first. She didn't intend for me to get high off of a weed gummy. I want to make sure she is okay first. She might not want me using these anymore and I want to respect her autonomy before I continue using the psychologically addicting drug that could in her eyes become a problem. I want to talk with her first before I say everything here.

[trenton]

Alright, my Aunt is fine with the situation. I told her that I was having a freak out moment and mental health problem because of the nightmare about my Uncle molesting me and my sister. I took the gummy and it helped me relax and feel better. She told me that she wanted me to take the other two pills, but not the gummies on most nights. She was happy that the gummies helped me, but wanted me to use them in the best way. She said that if I am having extreme emotional problems like those then I may use them, but don't mix them with other medications if I don't need to or I am not having that kind of moment.

I still have things to do before I give the full story though. This is part of the story. I genuinely felt like I had an impossible weight being lifted off of me and it was very helpful because of the distress I was in. I just didn't want it to turn into a psychological addiction and wanted to make sure she was comfortable.

[trenton]

I have my notes here. I took one cannabis based gummy and I seem to be sensitive to them, triggering these kinds of experiences. From this state I was contemplating things like God and the nature of reality. However, I was also going through a hard time because I recently had a difficult with my sister regarding sexual abuse in our early childhood that has serious legal implications for the family depending on what evidence is put together.

The first insight was infinite relativism. It was like reality was structured such that all realities were simultaneously both real and imaginary. This included even God being so omnipotent that God could structure reality such that God both exists and does not exist simultaneously. This is a paradox with ego as well because in a sense I do exist and in a sense I don't exist. It happens this way because reality is perspectival, thus allowing for wild paradoxes and contradictions. The possibilities are infinite, yet they all cancel out. This seems to correspond to what Leo says about things like reality being deeply relativistic. What I found was that asking "what is not relativistic" is a trap because it assumes Absolute is not relativistic and it is an assumption about the nature of truth. Absolute could simply mean that reality is such that everything is relative. I don't think this is really a contradiction and it seems to make perfect sense to me.

During the trip I explored the limits of my capacity for love. My capacity for love reached to a lot of different people, but I ended up getting stuck at Nazis because I think they are bastards. This seems to be one of the limits of my capacity for love, but God's capacity for love would be greater and include even them. Perhaps love does not have to mean accepting someone for who they are. Maybe I could accept that they are bastards and that I hate them. That seems to be the most love I could offer people like that. I don't like cruelty and I have a hard time enjoying people who would be cruel to others especially when it involves sexually abusing children. However, I can accept the reality of cruelty without it needing to be pleasant. It seems that I try to process my trauma through maintaining as much love and compassion as I can while trying to understand people who seem incomprehensible so that I can apply it to people who might harm me, thus reducing how much pain I feel. My main reason for maintaining love is because I try to distinguish myself from people who clearly lack love of others, but this implies a duality such that love cannot be complete to the point of me being one with such monsters. This is the limit of things like compassion as it is often used to distinguish ourselves from bad people and be unlike them rather than one with them because I don't want to be a monster myself which I feared due to my exposure to sexual predators in childhood.

I noted that I recently ended up in the hospital. I ended up withdrawing from medication that caused me chest pain and it caused mental instability. Others feared that I would kill myself, so the police took me to the hospital even though I did everything I could to avoid going because of the fear of getting more bad pills that hurt me. I wanted to include that my state of mind was like this prior to taking the gummy. I felt that this particular state was helping me to process things that happened to me, but I was worried that it could turn into some kind of psychological addiction because of how good it felt to have some of these weights lifted off of me. Part of me may have feared going back into a suicidal state in which I was unable to cope with existing.

I noticed that I was constantly doubting myself, but then I started to seriously doubt doubt. I noticed that doubt was happening instinctively as if it were programmed rather than being a function of truth seeking. I noticed that I was not choosing to doubt, which made me realize that this behavior was deeply unconscious. This casts a lot of doubt on doubt if I don't even control the process of doubting and it just happens to me. How do I know it is getting me closer to truth rather than leaving me in endless analysis paralysis? I noted that doubt is often a survival tool that can get as further from truth through selective doubt based on our biases against ideas or worldviews we don't like. I would have to know why I am doubting and I would need to do so very consciously in order to make sure doubt isn't being used to fool myself.

I have many more notes. I'll fill in more details later. This may not have been some mind blowing awakening, but as I integrated these insights it helped stabilize me and it made me feel much more grounded rather than panicked. This is likely part of how this cannabis based gummy was designed for relaxation and sleep aid, but because of my sensitivity I get a little high off of it. I previously got a much higher hit off of it the first time I tried it, but I am not concerned about chasing a previous high. I am more concerned with the insights I gain and how I integrate them from this heightened sensitivity when it happens.

 

[trenton]

I think what I am discovering is that my body is just very sensitive to drug treatment. This is not just with cannabis, but also with all kinds of drugs used by the hospitals. They pretty much always have these adverse affects that don't solve the problem. I frequently have the opposite of the intended reaction to all kinds of pills. My body might not be cut out for this kind of treatment that the medical industry is using all the time. Not to mention that the pills and diagnosis are often rushed, leading to many errors.

[vibv]

On 5.10.2025 at 2:48 AM, trenton said:

During the trip I explored the limits of my capacity for love. My capacity for love reached to a lot of different people, but I ended up getting stuck at Nazis because I think they are bastards. This seems to be one of the limits of my capacity for love, but God's capacity for love would be greater and include even them.

Anger is Love, too. The coup-de-grâce lies in finding out that your anger is the same as theirs.

To awaken means to stop projecting that anger onto anyone. In that moment--it opens up and reveals a portal to LOVE. But only in the moment you become hopeless in that that anger will always be a part of who you are—of LOVE.

In LOVING it changes shape.

Edited October 6 by vibv