What does awakening feel like to you ?

[Breakingthewall]

For anyone interested, this is a process of awakening.

Four or five years ago, I decided to go through my psychological structure because it was extremely hard. I only felt peace when enveloped in intensity, which involved considerable risk. Self-help was impossible, and my intuition told me that beneath the emotional mud lay another reality. Spiritual readings seemed dissonant to me; something didn't fit, a certain deception, always a mistake. Krishnamurti, Tolle, Ramana, etc., grated on me; there was a flaw.

I once saw a video of some guys taking salvia and thought there was something interesting there. Breaking the control of the psyche, that was the key. I bought salvia, and well, it wasn't very fun, but it was exactly what I was looking for: a break. Then I read about 5-MeO, and I got it, I tried it, and it was extremely horrible. Then I found this forum and learned some basics about spirituality. I cut out all distractions, never read a novel or watched a movie again, and socialized as little as possible. I meditated for three hours every day minimum, even though it was extremely unpleasant, and I took mushrooms and 5-MeODMT hundreds of times, at least once a week but usually more.

I began to understand the structure of the psyche, the derivations of the emotional system, attachment, the need to be accepted, the twists and turns the psyche makes to avoid seeing the unspeakable: not having a clan, a group, a family, in base, all the absolute falsehood of society, all the pressure, and the death, the absolute nihilism. I let go of everything superfluous, everything false. Mystical experiences began to occur. Dissolution, infinity, the source, all of that. But the emotional system remained. Every so often, I was struck by hatred, nihilism, emptiness, the misery of human life.

At one point, the sensations became physical, overwhelming. I realized that my system was under constant tension, but that tension was being channeled through extremely efficient survival mechanisms. I realized that most of my internal activity was aimed at dissipating underlying tension. Things became unbearable; my ears were ringing at 100 dB. I'd walk down the street, and at one point, it felt like the pressure was going to crush me.

My stubbornness is considerable, so I kept pushing, doing things like taking four maximum doses of 5-MeO in a single day after taking LSD. At some point, a phase shift occurred. It wasn't a single moment; it was an internal movement that lasted about a month. Gradually, the flow state without contraction began to normalize, although sometimes the old pattern would return, but only briefly. Then, something settled into my internal state that can be described as an opening at the base. The psyche wasn't closed, but open at one end; therefore, the energy didn't bounce around creating a vortex, but flowed through that opening, creating straight, clean lines. At a certain point, my internal state was always open, devoid of contraction

Then a change of identity occurs. The basis of what I am is not form, but that openness of which form is an expression. That openness is not a thing, it is not definable, it is not love or joy, it is openness, period. That openness is everything, and there is nothing to hold onto there, you can only dissolve. You don't know if after death this or that, you know that death and life are equivalent in essence because both are in the openess and that the only possible attitude is total surrender.

Openness has no limits or boundaries; it is what the ego fears most because it cannot classify or manage it, it can only shut down, surrender. Then openness reveals itself as total. It is what it is now, the totality.

Pd: now I think, 🤔not bad intuition choose the name breakingthewall here so long ago before knowing about this topic and after doing psychedelic just a couple of times. Breaking the wall is exactly what awakening means. 

Edited Thursday at 02:23 PM by Breakingthewall

[Malkom]

47 minutes ago, Breakingthewall said:

For anyone interested, this is a process of awakening.

Four or five years ago, I decided to go through my psychological structure because it was extremely hard. I only felt peace when enveloped in intensity, which involved considerable risk. Self-help was impossible, and my intuition told me that beneath the emotional mud lay another reality. Spiritual readings seemed dissonant to me; something didn't fit, a certain deception, always a mistake. Krishnamurti, Tolle, Ramana, etc., grated on me; there was a flaw.

I once saw a video of some guys taking salvia and thought there was something interesting there. Breaking the control of the psyche, that was the key. I bought salvia, and well, it wasn't very fun, but it was exactly what I was looking for: a break. Then I read about 5-MeO, and I got it, I tried it, and it was extremely horrible. Then I found this forum and learned some basics about spirituality. I cut out all distractions, never read a novel or watched a movie again, and socialized as little as possible. I meditated for three hours every day minimum, even though it was extremely unpleasant, and I took mushrooms and 5-MeODMT hundreds of times, at least once a week but usually more.

I began to understand the structure of the psyche, the derivations of the emotional system, attachment, the need to be accepted, the twists and turns the psyche makes to avoid seeing the unspeakable: not having a clan, a group, a family, in base, all the absolute falsehood of society, all the pressure, and the death, the absolute nihilism. I let go of everything superfluous, everything false. Mystical experiences began to occur. Dissolution, infinity, the source, all of that. But the emotional system remained. Every so often, I was struck by hatred, nihilism, emptiness, the misery of human life.

At one point, the sensations became physical, overwhelming. I realized that my system was under constant tension, but that tension was being channeled through extremely efficient survival mechanisms. I realized that most of my internal activity was aimed at dissipating underlying tension. Things became unbearable; my ears were ringing at 100 dB. I'd walk down the street, and at one point, it felt like the pressure was going to crush me.

My stubbornness is considerable, so I kept pushing, doing things like taking four maximum doses of 5-MeO in a single day after taking LSD. At some point, a phase shift occurred. It wasn't a single moment; it was an internal movement that lasted about a month. Gradually, the flow state without contraction began to normalize, although sometimes the old pattern would return, but only briefly. Then, something settled into my internal state that can be described as an opening at the base. The psyche wasn't closed, but open at one end; therefore, the energy didn't bounce around creating a vortex, but flowed through that opening, creating straight, clean lines. At a certain point, my internal state was always open, devoid of contraction

Then a change of identity occurs. The basis of what I am is not form, but that openness of which form is an expression. That openness is not a thing, it is not definable, it is not love or joy, it is openness, period. That openness is everything, and there is nothing to hold onto there, you can only dissolve. You don't know if after death this or that, you know that death and life are equivalent in essence because both are in the openess and that the only possible attitude is total surrender.

Openness has no limits or boundaries; it is what the ego fears most because it cannot classify or manage it, it can only shut down, surrender. Then openness reveals itself as total. It is what it is now, the totality.

Pd: now I think, 🤔not bad intuition choose the name breakingthewall here so long ago before knowing about this topic and after doing psychedelic just a couple of times. Breaking the wall is exactly what awakening means.

Psychedelics won't help a monkey

[Breakingthewall]

14 hours ago, Malkom said:

Psychedelics won't help a monkey

Here we have another genius to bring  level to this forum. Sad .